a startling realization

Those who know me well, no doubt know these two things:

1. I love meaningful time spent with people. It is not uncommon for me to give up hours a day to conversations. In fact, meaningful conversations that challenge, inspire, enlighten, or develop authenticity probably drive me more than much else in life.
2. I hate grading, planning, and other tedious tasks. I love going deeper with people. These tasks do not line up with that passion. On the contrary, they force me to neglect #1.
   

This morning, I was in the midst of planning out some of these dreaded tasks - scanning papers, creating a grading rubric, trying to narrow down to the minute how long it would take to grade these darned narrative paragraphs - when the Lord thankfully took my mind captive for a moment.

I have always struggled with consistently setting aside time fully focused and devoted to God. I've used the fact that I am a night person to justify not having a quiet time in the morning. Yet by the time I finish my tasks in the evening (or early morning, whatever you want to call it), my eyelids are rarely willing to go along with these intended quiet times. I lost hope for that years ago. So I've fought for mornings. Unfortunately, I wake up with so many things on my mind - the unfinished tasks from the previous night, all the ungraded papers, the unplanned classes that lay just hours ahead of me, the day's meetings that I'm not prepared for, the disaster that I call my room, small group and worship leading that I need to get my heart and mind prepared for - and suddenly, the thought of being still with the Lord causes a great deal of tension in my mind. To fight this, I try to set a small goal for that time - find a verse that will help me or someone else through the day, pray for someone I've committed to pray for, learn something I didn't know before, etc. Hmm...I don't think this is how God desires for me to spend time with Him.

The question He raised in my mind this morning was this: When I talk to people, do I set goals? Or do I just share my heart, hoping to see more of theirs, and seeking means of mutual encouragement? I just talk! When a conversation presents itself, I immediately set aside all the tasks of the day, all my preoccupation, and I throw my whole heart into seeing the other person's heart and letting them see mine. Nearly every time I do so, I walk away feeling encouraged, I've discovered new insights, I've been challenged, and I believe that the other person often feels the same. Only after I walk away (usually an hour or more later) do I remember all the responsibilities on my shoulders. I may feel slightly more stressed, but I feel refreshed and inspired and I'm ready to leap into that task.

On the contrary, when I must deal with one of the many tedious tasks of life, I have to prepare myself for it. I lay each piece of the project out before me. I evaluate what must be done and how to do it most effectively. I even try to calculate how much time it should take. Then I drudgingly begin, chasing after every distraction or less daunting task that presents itself along the way, inevitably lengthening my time calculations and causing the task to span over endless days, weeks, and sometimes months.

Sadly, when I consider those two distinct functions in my life, if I had to put my time with the Lord in one of those categories, it would be the latter, not the former. Why is that? I crave relationship with Him, not knowledge, not goals. Have I been programmed to seek accomplishments rather than just Him? No wonder it has been so difficult to seek after Him each day.

Lord, I pray that I would truly recognize that you are not a task, not a goal, not something to be checked off the to-do list, not even something to add knowledge, insight or purpose to my life. You are the ultimate in relationships. Lord, help me to invest myself in knowing you with a passion that far outweighs my passion for people. Help me to sit down with you just to hear Your heart and share mine. I know that I know how; I do it with people everyday. Lord, teach me to do it with you.

undivided

"Train me, God, to walk straight;
then I'll follow your true path.
Put me together, one heart and mind;
then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear."
~Psalm 86:11

Even David, a man after God's own heart, had to ask God to give him an undivided heart. Why do I believe that if I just strive hard enough, I can remain fully committed to God? I don't have the capacity. Regardless of how hard I try, I am incapable. But that is not the end... He can give me an undivided heart, a heart fully His, if I seek Him, if I trust Him, and not my own strength. Lord, I want an undivided heart. I do not want be torn between myself and You...I just want You.

a new priority

I have not blogged in a long time. I hope you don't mind. I have been spending less time on the computer and more time with the Father and His Word. That is always something I say is important to me, yet it is something that I never seem to have time for. I know I need it, I'm hungry for it, yet other priorities stand in the way. Although I have said for some time that He is more important to me than anything, my life has not reflected that for quite some time. I try to fit Him in, but only with what I have left after all the other responsibilities and things I choose to give my time to.

Through Christmas, I did a lot of reflecting. It started back at Thanksgiving, actually. I thought a lot about the fact that I want my life's purpose to be whatever His purpose is. I want my life, my words, my work, my attitude, my accomplishments all to reflect Him. I want to live a life that encourages and challenges others to pursue Him more passionately. I desire these things more than anything else. These convictions fill my thoughts daily, along with the frustration and disappointment because I constantly fail to make that a reality. But how can I when I simply try to squeeze Him in? As He grew the conviction in my heart to strive for those things, as He increased those passions and desires in me, I resolved to place Him first, to give myself to Him before anything else, to make Him a priority above everything else. I suppose this could be considered my New Year's resolution. I shy away from those because I hate failing, and I don't know aobut you, but for me, failure is inevitable whenever I resolve to do anything. This resolution though, is far more important than anything else I could ever determine to do in my life, and it is far more essential. So, humbly, I have commited to make this year His, giving Him my firsts each day, and ending each day with Him as well. For me, doing these two things brings me to a point where I walk and converse with Him constantly throughout the day. This is my desire. That I would "pray without ceasing," that I would never stop seeking His face.

For those of you who know me, I'm sure you could guess that I have already failed. Yet, in this indeavor, I am trying to place my failures in His hands, simply accept His grace rather than my own shame, and continue striving after Him rather than giving up out of fear or disappointment in failure. So as I fail, I strive harder. It is always so refreshing to me to realize that each mandate set for us was not simply another rule to follow, but rather a guideline to help us to live life to its fullest as He desires for us. As I learn to discipline myself and sacrifice time once spent on other activities, I am beginning to see His face again as I did long ago. I am beginning to hear His voice. I am beginning to see with His eyes. I am beginning to know His purposes more clearly and can see His fruit in my life. This is life. I'm excited.

As I seek to know Him more intimately, I have also resolved to be more disciplined in scripture memory. See, I can paraphrase with the best of 'em! But I want to know His Word, I want it buried in my heart. Too bad I can't keep up with all His precious words that He has been laying on my heart! But step by step, I hope to carve them into my heart. As I have been failing lately at unconditional love, at mercy, one of my first verses is Psalm 103:8-12:

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with
unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry
forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal with us
harshly, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed
our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

Yes, that was without looking! The challenge will be to remember it tomorrow, then next week, then next month. But He blesses our efforts, and I believe, with discipline, He will help me to engrain His truths within me. And since He calls us to reflect Him, I've got some work to do on living out those words! Compassionate, merciful, not accusing, letting go of anger, not holding grudges or keeping score...showing grace and forgiveness. Cake, right!? Right... But hey, the life He's called us to is not supposed to be easy, but it is supposed to be amazing!

Love you guys.

advent

I'm doing some research on Advent. It's an interesting thing from what I can tell. Although it is a long-standing tradition, it wears many different faces depending on the cultural and religious strand in which it is found. However, the bottom line is that it is a time of waiting and anticipation for the coming of the Lord (typically beginning 4 Sundays before Christmas Day). The focus is on two (and some say three) comings: 1) Jesus birth, 2) His second coming, and 3) His coming into our hearts and lives. While see this anticipation as a time for penance and self-sacrifice in order to make ourselves right for the second coming of Christ, many choose instead to focus on the hope that comes through Christ. In both traditions, Advent is a time of reflection, patience, and a refocusing of our attention on Christ. While Advent has never been a tradition in my family (aside from our candy countdowns that we started on December 1st each year and let us know when Santa would be coming), it is something I'm finding myself quite intrigued by, for I know that I need to dig deep into my own heart and see myself and Christ more clearly. So, I will continue to dig into this thing called Advent as I seek to find and live out the true meaning and purpose of this Christmas celebration.

Check out this suggested prayer for the first day of Advent:

Lord God, I sense your power, your might and I stand in awe, painfully aware of how poor and weak I am before you. As I begin this Advent journey, teach me to turn to you in my fear and sorrow. I don't want to keep making my heart hard against you, turning a deaf ear to your invitation. Only you can help me to soften, to be like the clay in your gentle potter's hands.

"Why do you let us wanter, O Lord, from your ways, and harden our hearts so that we fear you not?" Isaiah 63

"Lord, make us turn to you; let us see your face and we shall be saved." Psalm 80

That I may see myself as I truly am and recognize my desperate need for Him. Blessings to you in this Christmas season...

I'm in a very mellow and reflective mood right now. It's the first time I've felt somewhat caught up with my teaching stuff and instead of filling my mind and time with people, TV, movies, internet...uhhh...or any other distractions, I'm just being still...trying to hear God. I've been looking through some of my journaling from several years back. I fell upon this paraphrase of Philippians 3:8. I loved it so much that I memorized it (along with the real verse, of course!). Check this out:

I eagerly give up all my prized possessions, I unhesitatingly forego the pleasure of my most intimate friendships, and without reservation, void all my greatest achievements for the amazing and priceless opportunity to intimately know, love, and serve my heavenly prince, Jesus Christ.

Wow...it looks like I need to set that one to memory again. I used to go over that in my mind over and over. He is all that I need. Do I believe that? If so, everything else pales in comparison. A couple years ago, I began to live like I believed that. I want to live like that again.

"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Philippians 3:7-9 NLT

obsession

Ok, for those of you who were so anxious to find out, I am being intentional about the computer thing. Saturday night, midnight, I shut it down. It was quite tempting to just do "one more thing," but I'm getting sick of living in a world of exceptions. Sunday was such a blessing, and it just overflowed into yesterday. Now, when the heart finally becomes silent after running full speed ahead in whatever direction will fill time, it can be painful. Emotions, thoughts, and whatever else makes the stomach turn suddenly appear out of nowhere. So it was a little rough. However, I have not spent so much time with Him in far too long. Sunday, I was just hungry to be with Him because for once, I wasn't overwhelmed with distractions, yet my heart remained unsettled. Monday, something began stirring inside me, and I'm still not certain what it was, but it didn't feel good. What it did though, was drive me to Him...over and over and over. Good grief, my journal got warn out yesterday! But, by the time 4am came around (ya, that's when I actually finished my school prep after taking multiple breaks to pour myself out to Him because my stomach and my mind were running every which way!), I was filled with an awesome peace...finally. Today reflected that. Although I was functioning on a mere 4 hours of sleep, still had an impossible amount of stuff to finish before my classes, had an extra appointment before my classes (ya, those of you who know me know that I have a hard time getting anywhere on time, let alone earlier than on time!), and was planning to do classroom observations until 9pm, today was great and I just felt free. You know those moments where you finally feel like you can sing at the top of your lungs in your car? Ok, maybe you don't, but for me, that's what happens when my heart feels free. Is there a lot yet to be uncovered? Definitely, but man it feels good working my way back into His arms (Note: By working, I don't mean "works," but rather, making Him the priority that He should be and soaking in all the joys that come with acknowledging His constant presence.). Pray as that journey/battle continues and I attempt, once again, to learn some level of discipline and self-control.

two convictions and a plea for accountability

Today made me pooped. It wasn't bad, but it wore me out. Had fun with my 'kids' though. Then I got to go to my regular Friday deal and be challenged and encouraged. Sometimes I close my heart because I'm exhausted or I just don't want to deal with it, but tonight, I let God in. I listened and tried to respond as He led. I don't know that I heard everything He tried to say, weariness, laziness and distractions still interfered. Nonetheless, I met Him there and was both challenged to think about and change a few things, and encouraged by some listening ears that understood. One thing God challenged me with (and has been challenging me with) was the use of my (or should I say "His") time. Two things weighed really heavy on my heart.

First, quiet times, a.k.a. private worship, devotions, and many other things, I'm sure. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and longing for my time with Him to be more consistent and more authentic. This has not been a conviction of guilt, but rather a realization of need. I am hungry for Him, I want to be filled by Him, I am desperate for intimacy with Him. Yet I struggle. Other responsibilities sometimes tug at my time and attention, and other times, I'm just plain lazy. Why? I don't know. But I thought a lot tonight about those times with God - how to make them a priority (not just when there's time, but always), when I would be able to focus best, and what those times would/could consist of. I spend time with God...when I can, which for a procrastinator, is much less frequent than my heart and mind needs. So, I am going to fight for this. I want to start my day with Him. I want Him to be the center of my thoughts and my outlook for the day. I want to see His face and hear His voice as I cross paths with people and make choices with my time and other resources throughout each day. I want to have a constant conversation with Him, when I wake up, when I drive, when I walk, and even as I interact with others. I've been there before. I want to be there again.

So, God, it's You and me...every morning. Sometimes, I'll be late, and sometimes, I'll brush You off, but I know You'll still be waiting. Help me to show up too!

Second, I was very convicted about this darned computer. Computers and the internet are an incredible blessing. They open doors to information, to communication, and even to community and relationship. They are not the terrible monster that some make them out to be. They do, however, consume far too much of my time. Every time I hit the power switch, the rabbit chase begins. It's like going to WalMart! I go with one specific purpose, then I click on one thing that leads to another that leads to another. Or there's the moments where I have no need to be on it, but it's like it's calling out to me. What if there's a good email I haven't seen yet? What if someone posted something on their blog and I'm not totally caught up on their life when I see them? Or it gets worse... the times when I use the computer purely as a distraction, perhaps from a responsibility (as the procrastination sets in), or even worse, as a tool to numb the senses and avoid thought, reflection, introspection, and the accompanying emotions. Ok, so with the confession aside, what was the conclusion God set in my heart? Well, I have attempted a couple things to limit, or perhaps control, my overuse. First of all (and I have attempted this before, but I'm putting it out there so those of you who care enough can ask and hold me accountable), the computer is not to be touched before I've spent time with God. Again, not because I feel obligated or trapped by a rule or law, but because I know how desperately I need that time. Second, while I want to attempt to turn the computer off (ya, not standby so I can check it again before bed!) by 10 or 11pm, I want to draw the line at midnight (except on weekends! That's why now is ok!). So, again, if you want to hold me accountable, look at what time I post! (Dang, I'm getting myself into a heap of mess by telling all of you this! But I guess that's where I need to be, because holding myself accountable hasn't been working out too well.) Ok, finally, and I think this is huge, I need to take the Sabbath more seriously (thanks, Leah); therefore, there will be NO computer on Sundays. Whoa! That's crazy. Get this though, that means that all my prep for classes has to be done by Saturday night, or I've got to get up early (ya right!) on Mondays to finish it up. That's a hardcore commitment for me, but I've got to draw the line. What matters more - walking in intimacy with Him and having time to hear Him and be used by Him to serve others, or the benefits and joy I get from my computer? Ya, I'm drawing the line. When I fall on my face though, please love me, but don't let me get away with it! I fight hard, but don't let me be arrogant and self-righteous.

Ok, this was going to be brief (I say that with far too much frequency!), but I can't just share a line, I've got to give you the gory details! Thanks for walking with me. Thanks for letting me be real. And now on to my humble battle. Praise God He always wins, because if anything was based on my ability to do so, I'd be in sad shape. Much love! Peace.

angels gettin' crazy

Ok, so I was talking with a friend today about how I sometimes struggle with teaching ESL because there are more important things in the world than getting your commas in the right place, knowing the difference between an adjective and an adverb, and understanding subject-verb agreement. I love that I get to be surrounded by people from around the world nearly everyday of the week. I love that they love learning (most of them). I love that I get to challenge, inspire, motivate, and equip them, and who knows what they'll do with those skills later. But really, in the grand scheme of things, who really cares if they can write a good paragraph!? Sometimes I struggle to motivate myself to "waste" time learning the grammar or figuring out creative ways to teach it when I am constantly thinking about the bigger picture. I want to live for more. I want to give people hope. I want to see people come alive. So, my friend who was totally digging what I said, gave me a great pep talk on how I'm making a difference. Ooh yay, somebody thinks it matters...but still... It's not that what I do doesn't matter or isn't important, but I want more!

Well, apparently, God was listening to my plea for greater purpose. One really cool conversation (the listening ear from above), was followed by another, and yet another. With a few friends, we spoke of all the craziness in the world (namely Uganda and Sudan), why it matters to care about all that, and how we could make a difference. I'd say that's inspiring. I leave that office and crash into a couple other friends. We got to talk about Ramadan and fasting. Again, a conversation that made a couple of the individuals really think about some things...myself included. Then, trying to go home once again (those of you who have ever tried to leave somewhere with me know how ineffective that can be when I run into people!), I encountered some long, lost Vietnamese friends. I stopped to catch up for a moment, which turned into almost a two-hour conversation. It went all over the place, but we talked about God, Christianity, and Buddhism for quite awhile. Wow, wasn't even trying. But get this, none of that even compares to what's coming...

I get home and Chris Chris comes to visit. See, God's been tugging at her heart for awhile now. She has all but given herself to Him for a couple months. She adjusted her life's path in order to follow Him and serve people for Him. She started letting go of things that were not of Him. He has been rearranging her way of thinking, doing incredible work in her heart...telling her daily, "I want you. I'm waiting for you." She's told me countless times in the last few weeks, "I want to live for Him. I want to be His." Yet something was holding her back. Today, she finally said she couldn't even figure out what her excuse was. What it came down to was the fear of 'no turning back.' She knows He won't let go. After some time, some thinking, some praying, some more time, some more praying...she said, "I want to jump." So jump I did...on Riss and Six who were sleeping. They came in to join us during the first minute (12:01 a.m.) of Wednesday, October 25, as Chris prayed and handed her life over to Christ...completely..."marked in Him with a seal" and now "God's possession" (Ephesians 1:13-14). Freedom...finally, freedom... Beauty, righteousness, purpose, identity, unconditional love, worthiness, no more shame...all through Him. Praise God!

"You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed."
(Psalm 139:16)

Happy Birthday Chris Chris!!
Wednesday, October 25, 12:01 a.m.

P.S. I was trying to find a picture of angels celebrating. The picture up top was the best I could do! But hey, it might look something like that up there!!

living a little more or dying a little bit

Each moment of our existence, we are either growing into more or retreating into less. We are either living a little more or dying a little bit. ( Brennan Manning - The Ragamuffin Gospel)

It's interesting that the word "retreating" is used. I checked out dictionary.com, one of my new favorite websites, and found these definitions:

re·treat /riˈtrit/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ree-treet]

1. The act or process of withdrawing into safety or privacy, especially from something hazardous, formidable, or unpleasant.
2. The process of going backward or receding from a position of condition gained.
3. A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude.
4. An asylum, as for the insane
5. Pull back or move away or backward
6. Move back
7. Make a retreat from an earlier commitment or activity

I especially like #4, but somehow feel its relevance here is lacking. So we'll focus on the others. When I think of retreating, I think of running away or moving backwards, especially within the context of this quote and how I live my life. Now, there is a positive form of retreat. It is necessary to step back from life, to enjoy solitude, to withdraw...sometimes. There are healthy ways of doing this. In fact, it is commanded that we do it...once a week, take a day of rest.

I fail to do this most of the time. I retreat, but not good retreat. I spend so much of my time from day-to-day retreating (a.k.a. running away, hiding, moving back from responsibilities). Then all of those responsibilities still remain when it comes time to truly retreat. So, I think I accurately fit the mold for retreating into less.

This has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I finish so many days and feel it's been wasted. A little time doing this, a little time doing that, adds up to a whole bunch of time doing nothing that matters. Guilt over that weighs on me almost daily, but I've never been able to state it so precisely. I have spent far too much time retreating into less. I want to spend each moment of my existence growing into more. I want to be intentional with each moment. I want my little things - little choices about my time, about my priorities, etc. - to be edifying, to cause growth, in myself and others.

God, help me to be intentional. Teach me to grow into more...to live a little more each moment of my life. Help me not to be dead although I live.

have I ever told you that I'm sorry?

It sucks when you screw up badly and it doesn't just hurt you, but it hurts the people around you. It sucks when you think if you just try hard enough, you can make it ok, but you can't. I heard this song this morning...and have been listening to it over and over since. I've heard it many times before, but it just hit me this time. There are a few people in my life that need to hear these words from me. We all have junk inside of us that gets in the way even when we try our best to love people. I hope God will change what's inside of me...because I can't. I hope I'll be humble enough to let Him do that.

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry it didn't work out
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I walked out
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I didn't think about
How it was gonna make you feel

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry I wasn't honest
We don't know how these lies are gonna come back to haunt us
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I broke my promise
That I made to you

But I believed it was right for me (for you)
Or at least it seemed so at the time
But reality got the best of me
And I guess (know) I lost my mind

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I forgot
Just how hard I said I'd try I thought I did but I guess not
Have I ever told you that I I've been thinkin' about this
Quite an awful lot

But I believed it was right for me (and you)
Or at least it seemed so at the time
But reality got the best of me
And I guess (know) I lost my mind

Have I ever told you that I love the way you've turned out
Have I ever told you that I've been watching and
I'm so proud Have I ever told you that I'm still trying to figure out
What's inside of me

But I believe there is hope for me
And it's gonna take some time
There's a God who sees what's inside of me
And I know He can change my mind

(Lyrics by FFH)

tick, tick, tick

I read this this morning: "When the wheels of a clock move within, the hands on the dial will move without." (William Secker) When God is working on the inside, that will be visible in our service and love on the outside. I knew that. It's nothing new. But it's a cool picture. It's like I keep trying to make the hands on the clock go around just right...tick to the right beat, tell the right time. But the whole time, the devices on the inside aren't working right. So I spend all my time correcting the hands, moving them to the right place, trying to keep them moving because they're just not doing what they're supposed to. No wonder I don't have time to let God be my source of everything...to run to Him, to be filled by Him, to know Him deeply. I spend so much of my time trying to be a repairman (woman?), then the little that's left just trying to take care of responsibilities...all of which I would handle much more effectively and efficiently if I was paying more attention to my insides and less attention to my oustides. Hmmm... Tick, tick, tick...

Hurray for Lois!

This is an email Shannon worte this morning. It encouraged me, and brought some tears.

Dear Friends,

Lois arrived at the finish line last night (Sunday) at 11:47 PM, and is now rejoicing with the angels in the presence of the Lord. In true Lois fashion her last words to us were, "OK you guys, I'll see you later. Jesus is calling...tenderly calling." Trav's response was, "Go mom!"

All the kids and my twin brother Brian were gathered around when she made that announcement. Then she smiled really big, and started laughing softly just as if she could see the finish line with Jesus waiting there for her. A few hours later she was gone, and those were her last words to us.

The kids and I are genuinely excited for Lois, and clapped when we knew her time among us was finished. With big sighs of relief all around we talked about how in heaven there are no more tears, no more pain, no more sorrow, no more medications, IV's,. wheel chairs or canes.

And we could only imagine the reunion Lois was having at that moment with our first daughter Erin who's been there waiting for Mom for over 20 years now.

It's been the most joyous and sorrowful day we've known as the M-gang - but the joys of having Mom home far outweigh any sorrows we might feel. We'll be getting back to everyone with details about the memorial service later this week.

More later as the situation develops,

Shannon for the M-gang

Please continue to pray for this family.

on to glory

I don't really have any idea who reads this, but I want to share with whomever is listening. I just got news today that a precious woman is on her way to glory. Her name is Lois Murray. She has been battling for years against cancer, trying to honor Him in it all. He has brought blessing after blessing, but has also allowed some very difficult and painful times. She has struggled, as any of us would, but she has clung to His grace like only a warrior could. His grace is what has brought her this far. I praise Him for the testimony I've watched in her.

On one hand, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that she is soon to be free from pain for the first time in a long time. I'm grateful that she will soon be gazing into the eyes of the One who has held her close to His heart throughout it all. I'm grateful that, as she and her family know well, "To live is Christ, and to die is gain," and that she is moving ever closer to "the God of all comfort." She is so close to the glory, the freedom, the peace, the joy, and the awe that she has dreamed of and lived her life for.

On the other hand, my heart breaks. By His grace, and through His story, she has been a testimony to many. She will be loved and missed by many. There will be a huge hole in the Murray home and in many hearts. Pray with me that God would wrap His arms around that family even more tightly than He has already done throughout the trials of the last several years. Pray that the lessons, love, service, and words of wisdom that she has poured into her family would radiate in each of them as they learn to better serve each other in the coming years. Pray that the seeds of her trust and reliance on her Father that have been planted in those who have been touched by her, particularly her children, would grow and blossom and glorify Him even after she is with Him. Pray for her in her last moments. Pray for her husband, Shannon, and her children, Cara, Travis, and Alisa, as they trust Him for so much.

my portion

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~Psalm 73:26

How long have I been watching my flesh and my heart fail, and yet I lean on my own strength. It is not my intent, nor my desire. But it seems almost out of necessity, I cling to my own strength. But how absurd is that!? God knocked me on my face (or rather, quit holding me up while I thought I was doing the holding) to remind me that my strength is not enough. I rested for a few days, and jumped right back into it.

And physical weariness is nothing compared to the emotional burdens my heart has been carrying. For so many nights, I've finally laid down to rest, and I realize I'm breathing so fast and my heart is just pounding. So many emotions running through me, regret, pain, frustration, longing...and all because of choices I've made when I was foolish enough to live as though my own strength was enough.

God places incredible blessings in our lives, and I don't know about you, but I feel so responsible to give all that I've got to give, to pour myself out until I'm empty so that I do not disappoint God, so that I make the most of those things, so that I take the best care possible of the things He's placed in my hands. But in doing so, I'm running on empty and I struggle to find time for Him. I become very aware of how desperately I need His strength and guidance, and yet I don't know how to add that to my plate.

Is that His desire? Not at all. He wants us to seek Him, to rest in Him, to run to Him, to hide in Him, so that HE can be the strength of our heart and our portion forever. Oh that I would learn to trust that again.

Is it me, or has there been a pattern with these heart-felt posts?? Ya, this is something I struggle with constantly!

humility

"A truly humble man is sensible of his natural distance from God; of his dependence on Him; of the insufficiency of his own power and wisdom; and that it is by God's power that he is upheld and provided for, and that he needs God's wisdom to lead and guide him, and His might to enable him to do what he ought to do for Him."

~Jonathan Edwards

That about sums it up. We are nothing without His power, His wisdom, and His might. We are simply that lump of clay...useless to the world. We have nothing to offer in and of ourselves. But in Him, the possibilities never cease. Only in Him can we truly live for Him. Only when we submit ourselves completely to His hands can we become something beautiful...and He is faithful to mold us, to form us, and to grow us. Pretty amazing if you ask me.

emptied

So over the last year or so, I've been doing a lot of cool things for God. He's surrounded me with a lot of precious people, and I've been stretched in so many ways as I tried to learn to love them more deeply. I've poured myself out until there was nothing left. I've given all that I had, and still, I failed in so many ways. It wasn't enough; I didn't have enough to give. And this is the problem.

My intentions were good and my motives pure. My longing was to be a light, to bring them closer to Him, to show them unconditional love and compassion. I was thrilled with the chance to teach, to equip, to be a big sister to many, and simply a friend to others. All great things, yes. But the more I did them, the heavier the burden became.

While I was doing so many things for Him, I wasn't doing them with Him; I wasn't living by His strength, His wisdom, or His love, but rather, by my own, which is incredibly insufficient for all the passions inside of me. A few years ago, He was my source of all those things. At that time, the life I knew fell apart before my eyes and the ground was taken from beneath me. I knew without doubt that I had nothing left. There was nothing left in me to fix myself, to repair things, to bring any kind of happiness, to achieve things that mattered, or even to start over. I had to hand everything over to Him because, for the first time, I realized that He was all I really had; He was my only hope for feeling alive, for feeling that my life had any purpose, for becomming anything. Everything I had was insufficient. When I gave all I had, when I gave my best, it sucked. I could produce nothing worthwhile on my own, even with my best intentions and all my gifts in full swing, still, the fruit was worthless. The best I could give just created a mess. I finally discovered my desperation for Him to make me more than what I was, for I was nothing. For the first time in my life, I sought not simply to know about Him, but finally, I longed to know Him deeply, to be immersed in Him, to give Him absolutely all of me and let Him do whatever He wanted, to let go of myself completely (or as much as my selfish, stubborn nature would allow).

It was an incredible thing. All that nonsense about your joy being full, about Him pouring out of you...it was real! Not as a result of trying to become something or do something for Him, but simply as a result of chasing after Him and longing to be in His presence, I became so full. I was bubbling over and pouring into the people around me. For the first time, I had the ability to love unselfishly because He was filling me up and giving me more love than I could ever need. I had wisdom that certainly didn't come from me. And the smile...even in the middle of craziness, I had a hard time containing the joy. At moments when circumstances or individuals tore into me, still I saw Him teaching me; I felt Him wrapping His arms around me; I watched as He stretched and molded me. Even in those times, I was thankful. I could see Him moving, and it made me excited. This was what He had created me for: to know Him, to be used by Him. I was full, I was alive, my life mattered and I was able to love people in a way that changed them.

But somewhere along the way, I started carrying things in my own hands again. Life got busy, people around me had needs that blew my mind. As the burden grew, I found less time to seek His face. I wasn't seeking the Source of all that I needed; I wasn't being filled by Him, and thus, I became more and more empty, having less and less of myself to give. (In reality, there wasn't much of myself to give in the first place; what spilled out of me was all that He filled me with.)

I watched myself being emptied and felt helpless to stop it. I was terrified to let go of all I was holding. What if He didn't pick up the slack? What if He let these people that needed so much fall? What if they were broken? What if He didn't pick up the pieces? What if they lost hope? And so the weight grew heavier and the burden greater...along with the distance between me and my Source of all that I so desperately needed. My desire to give it all to Him again also grew, but how? I couldn't figure it out.

I think I knew this all along, but what it really came down to is that I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust how He would take care of people, how He would love and nurture them. I didn't trust His purposes or how He would go about them. As a result, I was trying to be in control of so many things that I had absolutely no control of. And all the while, I was losing sight of His perfect will. My vision of Him became so clouded. But the desire to give it back was still there.

A couple weeks ago, my longing to see Him again was compounded as I realized how much I wanted to trust Him again. Once again, I looked at what I had created, what I had accomplished when I gave everything I had in me. I held it up to what He had accomplished when He had everything in me. What I had was nothing. What I had was destroying me and hurting those around me...even as I gave all that I had and wanted so desperately to make a difference for Him. I needed to place at His feet what little I had left and allow Him to pick it up, to mold it, to rearrange it, to do as He would with it. I couldn't carry it any longer - this I had known for awhile. But I was to the point where I realized I didn't want to carry it any longer. I didn't want what I could produce; I only wanted what He could produce in and through me. Finally, a chance to see His face clearly again.

The last few weeks have been interesting as I learn to seek Him again. It's been awesome to walk with Him, to talk with Him, although sometimes a little awkward, like a friend you haven't seen for awhile. But He has shown me some amazing things. After trying for so long to see all the mess inside of me, in a day, He began to make the picture clearer. I began to understand things that had baffled me for some time. And as He built up my courage to let go, He encouraged me as He began to use me. Me! All the mess that I am...He wants to use me! That still baffles me. But that is the God that I serve, the God that I want to know and love deeply again.

And so the journey continues... I don't want to ask where is God in it all; I want God to be all. It's amazing when He is. I want to be emptied, not because I'm trying to bear the weight of the world on my shoulders and have nothing left, but because I'm laying it all in His hands everyday. I want to be emptied of myself, I want to be out of the way, so that He can fill me up, so that I may truly be full. I pray that we would all learn to trust Him and lay it all in His hands so we would know His fullness and never truly be empty.