because it pleases YOU, I come

OK, so I'm grading papers. I HATE grading papers! Although occasionally it's quite humorous and entertaining, more often, it's just tedious. So I'm totally not feeling like grading, but I'm SO behind. Usually, that's a result of me being a slacker and procrastinator, but that's actually not true this time. Life's just been busy...good, but busy.

Today, however, I find myself with several hours of "down time." As one might imagine, grading is not what my heart is longing for, yet it calls to me. I feel like I have cabin fever, but I just started working! I keep pausing to consider all the other things I could be doing, but the guilt ties me down. The temptation was beginning to win... And then God spoke...

I come tonight to yield my right. I give YOU my life, as a gift of offering...

Now, that wasn't Moi's intended message, but God spoke pretty clearly to me...right when I needed to hear it. That sucks! He's spoken to me so much about learning discipline and learning to focus, yet I sit here like a victim of severe ADD.

I'm not here to serve my comfort or my desires. I'm here to give it all to YOU, to pour myself out until there is nothing left, to give and not hold back, to serve others selflessly, to do my best...even in the seemingly mundane. God, help me to give everything I've got to the tasks to which YOU've called me. Remind me that it's not about me.


For those of you who are interested, Moi's song is rad. It's called Te Agrada a Ti or It Pleases You. Here's the rest:

I come tonight to yield my right. I give You my life as a gift of offering like the one that You gave me. It may not make a difference. It may not change a single life. It may not move a single stone. But it pleases You... Because it pleases You, I come...

It's so not about me.

for the record...

It is 10:42pm and I am about to hit the hay! Everyone who knows me knows that this is quite miraculous. I honestly don't recall the last time I went to bed and it was still P.M. This is another issue I am working on. In order to care for my body, to be at my best, and to avoid any further facial blows, I need sleep!! The goal is to at least be in bed (although it may be followed with some reading) in the P.M. My motivation today is increased, however, as I must get up at 5:30am!! So, off to bed I go. I know you're excited!

a new priority

I have not blogged in a long time. I hope you don't mind. I have been spending less time on the computer and more time with the Father and His Word. That is always something I say is important to me, yet it is something that I never seem to have time for. I know I need it, I'm hungry for it, yet other priorities stand in the way. Although I have said for some time that He is more important to me than anything, my life has not reflected that for quite some time. I try to fit Him in, but only with what I have left after all the other responsibilities and things I choose to give my time to.

Through Christmas, I did a lot of reflecting. It started back at Thanksgiving, actually. I thought a lot about the fact that I want my life's purpose to be whatever His purpose is. I want my life, my words, my work, my attitude, my accomplishments all to reflect Him. I want to live a life that encourages and challenges others to pursue Him more passionately. I desire these things more than anything else. These convictions fill my thoughts daily, along with the frustration and disappointment because I constantly fail to make that a reality. But how can I when I simply try to squeeze Him in? As He grew the conviction in my heart to strive for those things, as He increased those passions and desires in me, I resolved to place Him first, to give myself to Him before anything else, to make Him a priority above everything else. I suppose this could be considered my New Year's resolution. I shy away from those because I hate failing, and I don't know aobut you, but for me, failure is inevitable whenever I resolve to do anything. This resolution though, is far more important than anything else I could ever determine to do in my life, and it is far more essential. So, humbly, I have commited to make this year His, giving Him my firsts each day, and ending each day with Him as well. For me, doing these two things brings me to a point where I walk and converse with Him constantly throughout the day. This is my desire. That I would "pray without ceasing," that I would never stop seeking His face.

For those of you who know me, I'm sure you could guess that I have already failed. Yet, in this indeavor, I am trying to place my failures in His hands, simply accept His grace rather than my own shame, and continue striving after Him rather than giving up out of fear or disappointment in failure. So as I fail, I strive harder. It is always so refreshing to me to realize that each mandate set for us was not simply another rule to follow, but rather a guideline to help us to live life to its fullest as He desires for us. As I learn to discipline myself and sacrifice time once spent on other activities, I am beginning to see His face again as I did long ago. I am beginning to hear His voice. I am beginning to see with His eyes. I am beginning to know His purposes more clearly and can see His fruit in my life. This is life. I'm excited.

As I seek to know Him more intimately, I have also resolved to be more disciplined in scripture memory. See, I can paraphrase with the best of 'em! But I want to know His Word, I want it buried in my heart. Too bad I can't keep up with all His precious words that He has been laying on my heart! But step by step, I hope to carve them into my heart. As I have been failing lately at unconditional love, at mercy, one of my first verses is Psalm 103:8-12:

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with
unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry
forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal with us
harshly, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed
our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

Yes, that was without looking! The challenge will be to remember it tomorrow, then next week, then next month. But He blesses our efforts, and I believe, with discipline, He will help me to engrain His truths within me. And since He calls us to reflect Him, I've got some work to do on living out those words! Compassionate, merciful, not accusing, letting go of anger, not holding grudges or keeping score...showing grace and forgiveness. Cake, right!? Right... But hey, the life He's called us to is not supposed to be easy, but it is supposed to be amazing!

Love you guys.

obsession

Ok, for those of you who were so anxious to find out, I am being intentional about the computer thing. Saturday night, midnight, I shut it down. It was quite tempting to just do "one more thing," but I'm getting sick of living in a world of exceptions. Sunday was such a blessing, and it just overflowed into yesterday. Now, when the heart finally becomes silent after running full speed ahead in whatever direction will fill time, it can be painful. Emotions, thoughts, and whatever else makes the stomach turn suddenly appear out of nowhere. So it was a little rough. However, I have not spent so much time with Him in far too long. Sunday, I was just hungry to be with Him because for once, I wasn't overwhelmed with distractions, yet my heart remained unsettled. Monday, something began stirring inside me, and I'm still not certain what it was, but it didn't feel good. What it did though, was drive me to Him...over and over and over. Good grief, my journal got warn out yesterday! But, by the time 4am came around (ya, that's when I actually finished my school prep after taking multiple breaks to pour myself out to Him because my stomach and my mind were running every which way!), I was filled with an awesome peace...finally. Today reflected that. Although I was functioning on a mere 4 hours of sleep, still had an impossible amount of stuff to finish before my classes, had an extra appointment before my classes (ya, those of you who know me know that I have a hard time getting anywhere on time, let alone earlier than on time!), and was planning to do classroom observations until 9pm, today was great and I just felt free. You know those moments where you finally feel like you can sing at the top of your lungs in your car? Ok, maybe you don't, but for me, that's what happens when my heart feels free. Is there a lot yet to be uncovered? Definitely, but man it feels good working my way back into His arms (Note: By working, I don't mean "works," but rather, making Him the priority that He should be and soaking in all the joys that come with acknowledging His constant presence.). Pray as that journey/battle continues and I attempt, once again, to learn some level of discipline and self-control.