I'm coming coming...back back...to blogging blogging

It's been on my heart lately that I need to get back into blogging a little more consistently. Not that I was ever too consistent, but once in three months is a little too inconsistent.

Anyways, I've gotten so carried away with life that I rarely sit back and reflect. In fact, I rarely sit still at all! I believe that's a tragedy. In fact, I was reminded today as Socrates said that, "The unexamined life is not worth living." It's interesting that my greatest fear is that I'll arrive at the end of my life, look back and realize that I have wasted it, yet I spend so little time evaluating whether I'm spending my days on the things that truly matter. I just keep moving, so fast, doing everything I can to keep up and failing daily, yet not reflecting on whether those things that consume me really even matter at all.

All this to say, I need to spend more time reflecting, evaluating, praying, and being intentional about how I spend the moments of my life, pulling away from the emergencies and the urgency even if just for a few minutes each day. Writing helps me to do that. Attempting to write with purpose helps even more. Writing causes me to stop and look at my life, and as I pause, I often gain a new perspective, and when I'm lucky, that perspective is one God's been trying to show me but I've been too busy to see.

So I'm going to attempt to re-enter the blogging world. Accountability would be great. If anyone's still out there reading this thing, stay on me, respond, ask questions, engage in dialogue, share your insights, nag me when you see me...whatever, just hold me to being real and sharing my thoughts.

Love you guys. Peace!

for the record...

It is 10:42pm and I am about to hit the hay! Everyone who knows me knows that this is quite miraculous. I honestly don't recall the last time I went to bed and it was still P.M. This is another issue I am working on. In order to care for my body, to be at my best, and to avoid any further facial blows, I need sleep!! The goal is to at least be in bed (although it may be followed with some reading) in the P.M. My motivation today is increased, however, as I must get up at 5:30am!! So, off to bed I go. I know you're excited!

I'm in a very mellow and reflective mood right now. It's the first time I've felt somewhat caught up with my teaching stuff and instead of filling my mind and time with people, TV, movies, internet...uhhh...or any other distractions, I'm just being still...trying to hear God. I've been looking through some of my journaling from several years back. I fell upon this paraphrase of Philippians 3:8. I loved it so much that I memorized it (along with the real verse, of course!). Check this out:

I eagerly give up all my prized possessions, I unhesitatingly forego the pleasure of my most intimate friendships, and without reservation, void all my greatest achievements for the amazing and priceless opportunity to intimately know, love, and serve my heavenly prince, Jesus Christ.

Wow...it looks like I need to set that one to memory again. I used to go over that in my mind over and over. He is all that I need. Do I believe that? If so, everything else pales in comparison. A couple years ago, I began to live like I believed that. I want to live like that again.

"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Philippians 3:7-9 NLT

another long, but good day

I was gone all day teaching, observing, and Triple 7-ing. I got home around 10 and for the first time in...uhhh, maybe never...I didn't have any prep or grading to do...for tomorrow's class anyways. So I played around on my guitar for awhile and caught up with a couple friends, emails, and blogs. Now, I want to sleep...because I can and it's not 2...or 3...or 4am yet! But first (for Leah's sake ;), let me note a few highlights from today.

1. I accidentally discovered Dad had no lunch plans, so we both dropped everything for a quick, unexpected lunch date. Always a blessing.
2. I finally have time (2 weeks before the end of the semester!) to observe some of the full-time teachers and try to learn some new tricks. I got to observe/participate in two classes today, both of which I'll be teaching soon. I learned things in both, and even got a few laughs.
3. Somehow, I've become popular amongst the students of one of the classes I'm observing, so the teacher and I stuck around for awhile after class chatting with some of our faithful fans. It was fun, and I even learned more about grammar in the process! Did I ever mention that I love foreigners!? When it all comes down, I love that I get to spend my time with them everyday. What a blessing.
4. 777. What is Triple 7, you ask? It started as a group of crazy guys, and now, there is also a group of crazy girls, and they're all learning to lay down everything to live for their Savior. Pretty awesome stuff. Bonnie just had to ask once and now, I get to spend every Thursday hanging with a handful of these women, and they're even willing to suffer through my guitar playing! I feel blessed and refreshed every week. I am so thankful that God lets me love on those women, be a part of their lives, and learn from them.

So now, it's almost 1am, an hour earlier than my normal bedtime, and I'm fixin' to hit the sack (sorry, got a spurt of southern flowin' through me!). I hope you all are having a great week. I'm looking forward to an awesome Friday. I hope my eyes are open to what He wants me to see tomorrow.

Much love! Peace.

long time, no blog

For my few faithful readers, I apologize for the lag in blogs. This is the first time in...well, I don't know if it's happened yet...that I've finished preparing for the next day's class(es) before midnight! I debated for a moment over writing or going to bed, but I couldn't help myself. Today was fun.

First, my students made me happy. I got to congratulate them today. I've been struggling with them. They haven't been where they should be. I've debated over whether it's me or them, or maybe something else. So I've been pushing them, challenging them, and motivating them with pop quizzes. But this week, they impressed me. We're finishing up what was supposed to be the most difficult chapter for students at this level, and they have done better than I've ever seen them do. They are getting it!! It's amazing. It's exciting. I told them I wasn't sure if it's because they're actually studying like they're supposed to now or if they just became brilliant all of a sudden. Or perhaps I'm figuring out a thing or two about how to teach them more effectively. My mom thinks it's a combination. Nonetheless, it's fun to see them doing well and understanding in a way that will allow them to actually use the language they're supposed to be learning. It was fun to see their smiles when I told them I was proud too. After class, a quick visit with mom turned into lunch with her and Tracy...also enjoyable.

When I arrived home, the stress was lighter than usual. Tomorrow's our first in-class write, so I didn't need to prepare a lecture, a quiz, activities, a PowerPoint, overheads...blah blah blah. I felt FREE!! It was nice. So I was excited when Chris Chris called and wanted to take me (well, technically, I guess I took her since she doesn't have a car!) to watch the sunset from the top of Mt. Rubidoux. This doesn't seem like a huge thing, but in all my years here, I've only been up the mountain once, and that was for sunrise...very, very early in the morning! Chris was excited because it was so windy today, which means the sky was nice and clear (plus, I think she knows how much I love being outside and probably knew a break in God's beauty would do me some good). So it was exciting to actually be able to say yes because I wasn't overwhelmed with school!

Being my normal self, of course we were late. We got to see the sunset as we walked up the mountain! But we had fun at the top for a moment, looking out over the city and enjoying the fresh air. I think Chris almost got blown off the mountain at one point, but we survived, and even made our way back down in the dark. I think Chris even saw her first star in Riverside. ;) It was a nice "get-away." Thanks, Chris.

on the way up


keep walkin' (Can you guess who's who?)

I told you the wind almost blew her off! (Look closely; she's holding onto the cross!)


hmm...(um, I guess you can check out the lip. Several of you have been asking about its progress. Not too shabby, huh!?)


Riverside...the good 'ole 951 (RCC's just to the right)


God's cool colors (no, it's not blurry; it was windy!)

Then, as if I hadn't had enough fun, Six let me attack her (with love, of course) when we got home. Isn't she cute!?

Phase 1 of the attack (no worries; it appears that Sixy is A-OK!)


Phase...I dunno, maybe, uhhh...6? The Not So Great Escape


Phase...The End...she still seems to be doing OK


Phase...Really The End...I think she's chet roi (yes, that's my floor she's sleeping on!). Good night, Sixy.

I am frequently reminded of how blessed I am to have people in my life that truly love me - when I'm up, when I'm down, when I'm not all I should be, when they see what I could be.

emptied

So over the last year or so, I've been doing a lot of cool things for God. He's surrounded me with a lot of precious people, and I've been stretched in so many ways as I tried to learn to love them more deeply. I've poured myself out until there was nothing left. I've given all that I had, and still, I failed in so many ways. It wasn't enough; I didn't have enough to give. And this is the problem.

My intentions were good and my motives pure. My longing was to be a light, to bring them closer to Him, to show them unconditional love and compassion. I was thrilled with the chance to teach, to equip, to be a big sister to many, and simply a friend to others. All great things, yes. But the more I did them, the heavier the burden became.

While I was doing so many things for Him, I wasn't doing them with Him; I wasn't living by His strength, His wisdom, or His love, but rather, by my own, which is incredibly insufficient for all the passions inside of me. A few years ago, He was my source of all those things. At that time, the life I knew fell apart before my eyes and the ground was taken from beneath me. I knew without doubt that I had nothing left. There was nothing left in me to fix myself, to repair things, to bring any kind of happiness, to achieve things that mattered, or even to start over. I had to hand everything over to Him because, for the first time, I realized that He was all I really had; He was my only hope for feeling alive, for feeling that my life had any purpose, for becomming anything. Everything I had was insufficient. When I gave all I had, when I gave my best, it sucked. I could produce nothing worthwhile on my own, even with my best intentions and all my gifts in full swing, still, the fruit was worthless. The best I could give just created a mess. I finally discovered my desperation for Him to make me more than what I was, for I was nothing. For the first time in my life, I sought not simply to know about Him, but finally, I longed to know Him deeply, to be immersed in Him, to give Him absolutely all of me and let Him do whatever He wanted, to let go of myself completely (or as much as my selfish, stubborn nature would allow).

It was an incredible thing. All that nonsense about your joy being full, about Him pouring out of you...it was real! Not as a result of trying to become something or do something for Him, but simply as a result of chasing after Him and longing to be in His presence, I became so full. I was bubbling over and pouring into the people around me. For the first time, I had the ability to love unselfishly because He was filling me up and giving me more love than I could ever need. I had wisdom that certainly didn't come from me. And the smile...even in the middle of craziness, I had a hard time containing the joy. At moments when circumstances or individuals tore into me, still I saw Him teaching me; I felt Him wrapping His arms around me; I watched as He stretched and molded me. Even in those times, I was thankful. I could see Him moving, and it made me excited. This was what He had created me for: to know Him, to be used by Him. I was full, I was alive, my life mattered and I was able to love people in a way that changed them.

But somewhere along the way, I started carrying things in my own hands again. Life got busy, people around me had needs that blew my mind. As the burden grew, I found less time to seek His face. I wasn't seeking the Source of all that I needed; I wasn't being filled by Him, and thus, I became more and more empty, having less and less of myself to give. (In reality, there wasn't much of myself to give in the first place; what spilled out of me was all that He filled me with.)

I watched myself being emptied and felt helpless to stop it. I was terrified to let go of all I was holding. What if He didn't pick up the slack? What if He let these people that needed so much fall? What if they were broken? What if He didn't pick up the pieces? What if they lost hope? And so the weight grew heavier and the burden greater...along with the distance between me and my Source of all that I so desperately needed. My desire to give it all to Him again also grew, but how? I couldn't figure it out.

I think I knew this all along, but what it really came down to is that I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust how He would take care of people, how He would love and nurture them. I didn't trust His purposes or how He would go about them. As a result, I was trying to be in control of so many things that I had absolutely no control of. And all the while, I was losing sight of His perfect will. My vision of Him became so clouded. But the desire to give it back was still there.

A couple weeks ago, my longing to see Him again was compounded as I realized how much I wanted to trust Him again. Once again, I looked at what I had created, what I had accomplished when I gave everything I had in me. I held it up to what He had accomplished when He had everything in me. What I had was nothing. What I had was destroying me and hurting those around me...even as I gave all that I had and wanted so desperately to make a difference for Him. I needed to place at His feet what little I had left and allow Him to pick it up, to mold it, to rearrange it, to do as He would with it. I couldn't carry it any longer - this I had known for awhile. But I was to the point where I realized I didn't want to carry it any longer. I didn't want what I could produce; I only wanted what He could produce in and through me. Finally, a chance to see His face clearly again.

The last few weeks have been interesting as I learn to seek Him again. It's been awesome to walk with Him, to talk with Him, although sometimes a little awkward, like a friend you haven't seen for awhile. But He has shown me some amazing things. After trying for so long to see all the mess inside of me, in a day, He began to make the picture clearer. I began to understand things that had baffled me for some time. And as He built up my courage to let go, He encouraged me as He began to use me. Me! All the mess that I am...He wants to use me! That still baffles me. But that is the God that I serve, the God that I want to know and love deeply again.

And so the journey continues... I don't want to ask where is God in it all; I want God to be all. It's amazing when He is. I want to be emptied, not because I'm trying to bear the weight of the world on my shoulders and have nothing left, but because I'm laying it all in His hands everyday. I want to be emptied of myself, I want to be out of the way, so that He can fill me up, so that I may truly be full. I pray that we would all learn to trust Him and lay it all in His hands so we would know His fullness and never truly be empty.

Beauty & Grace

DISCLAIMER: Graphic photos at the bottom of this post. Proceed with caution.*

Ok, so many of you have heard about my recent adventures, but for those of you who haven't (and for those of you who just want pictures!), here are the details.

Sunday, I believe a couple people told me I needed to take some time to rest. Monday evening, my friend Paula and I were sitting at my desk (a.k.a. lying on the floor since I have no furniture) looking through pictures on my laptop. Mina knocked at the door, so I jumped up to answer it. Approaching the end of the hall, my usual blackout occurred. I rested my hand on the wall and waited for my vision to return...usually a few second process.

This is when things get fuzzy... Since nobody actually witnessed the catastrophe, let me share with you my theory (Disclaimer: Although not scientific, this theory is based on my extensive experience with CSI and on each bruise that presented itself throughout last week)...

I took another step, thinking I was ok. Then realizing I wasn't quite stable, I leaned on one of the chairs around our dining room table. I vaguely remember this, but then all consciousness momentarily ceased and my body began to fall rapidly.

First, my chin bounced off the top of the chair (this was probably the most painful collision...it's just now bruising!). Apparently, my bottom lip was between my teeth at this point. FYI, teeth and skin don't live in harmony together under such pressure (hence the inch-wide, teeth-shaped hole in the front of my lip). As a result of the bounce, my head flopped to the side, off the cute little knobby on the top of the chair back (there's a very tender knobby-shaped spot on the right side of my head).

With nothing left to bounce off at that elevation, my body continued its decent to the floor... First off my right knee (nice big bruise there), then flat onto my face. Now, this was an interesting predicament. Apparently, my top teeth went directly into the floor (judging by the tooth-sized chip we found there later), along with my nose and my right eyebrow (pretty bruises in those places too). Fortunately, my bottom lip acted as a cushion between my bottom teeth and the floor. However, it's not a very good cushion and, again, the harmony here was not so great (as evidenced by the blood gushing out of my lip...and the hole from which it flowed).

To top it all off, or as we might say, "the cherry on top," the chair, which assaulted me previously, was obviously a little shaken up by the whole experience and, as a result, lost it's footing and fell on my head (explaining the tender spot on the back of my head).

So this explains the injuries. However, the commotion wasn't over. Paula, wondering why I hadn't yet answered the door, emerged from the room to find me on the kitchen floor, under the chair, with blood everywhere. She immediately rescued me from the chair and I quickly regained consciousness. Slightly panicked and unsure of what to do, she decided it would be to my benefit to let Mina in so that she could rescue me. It is not common for most people to be calm in such situations, so Mina was equally frantic. Eventually, I was able to guide them to some paper towels and we slowed down the bleeding. I managed to get to the bathroom to clean up some of the blood, then quickly decided it would be wise to sit down...no, lie down and rest. Precious Mina held a fan over me while Paula called Six to come rescue me. Unfortunately, all Six gained from that conversation was, "Jenelle" and "fall". So I took over, and told Six it might be wise for her to come home.

After I rested for awhile and my body cooled off and calmed down, I got up to assess the damage. As I attempted to wipe the rest of the blood off of my face, I realized that, in fact, I had a hole, not just blood, and that wouldn't as easily wipe off. Hmm...perhaps this was a problem and would not just take care of itself. So I called Mom and Dad...they know everything, right? "Dad, I just passed out and I think I bit all the way through my lip. Do you think I need to go to the ER?" "All the way through? Ya, you probably ought to go in. Do you have a ride? Ok, we'll meet you there."

Lots of blood tests, an EKG, three nurses, a doctor, and 14 stitches later, we all got to go home for some much needed sleep. Now, judging by the fact that my lip was still it's normal size before the ER and was about 4 times that when we left, my dad and I think the doctor mistakingly injected Collagen instead of that spiffy numbing stuff when he did my stitches. It's almost back to its normal size now. Anyways, here are some pictures.

*STOP SCROLLING NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THE PICTURES!


**No, really...stop!!


***This is your last warning!!!

1-3 were taken after we got home from the ER. 4 and 5 were taken a few days later.
1) Tracy's favorite pic; 2) the full blow; 3) pitiful me and my poor pants (they got caught in the crossfire); 4) 6 stitches inside; 5) 8 stitches outside

Ok, I'll share more on the progress over the last week for those of you who aren't here to see how much better I look now.