a new priority

I have not blogged in a long time. I hope you don't mind. I have been spending less time on the computer and more time with the Father and His Word. That is always something I say is important to me, yet it is something that I never seem to have time for. I know I need it, I'm hungry for it, yet other priorities stand in the way. Although I have said for some time that He is more important to me than anything, my life has not reflected that for quite some time. I try to fit Him in, but only with what I have left after all the other responsibilities and things I choose to give my time to.

Through Christmas, I did a lot of reflecting. It started back at Thanksgiving, actually. I thought a lot about the fact that I want my life's purpose to be whatever His purpose is. I want my life, my words, my work, my attitude, my accomplishments all to reflect Him. I want to live a life that encourages and challenges others to pursue Him more passionately. I desire these things more than anything else. These convictions fill my thoughts daily, along with the frustration and disappointment because I constantly fail to make that a reality. But how can I when I simply try to squeeze Him in? As He grew the conviction in my heart to strive for those things, as He increased those passions and desires in me, I resolved to place Him first, to give myself to Him before anything else, to make Him a priority above everything else. I suppose this could be considered my New Year's resolution. I shy away from those because I hate failing, and I don't know aobut you, but for me, failure is inevitable whenever I resolve to do anything. This resolution though, is far more important than anything else I could ever determine to do in my life, and it is far more essential. So, humbly, I have commited to make this year His, giving Him my firsts each day, and ending each day with Him as well. For me, doing these two things brings me to a point where I walk and converse with Him constantly throughout the day. This is my desire. That I would "pray without ceasing," that I would never stop seeking His face.

For those of you who know me, I'm sure you could guess that I have already failed. Yet, in this indeavor, I am trying to place my failures in His hands, simply accept His grace rather than my own shame, and continue striving after Him rather than giving up out of fear or disappointment in failure. So as I fail, I strive harder. It is always so refreshing to me to realize that each mandate set for us was not simply another rule to follow, but rather a guideline to help us to live life to its fullest as He desires for us. As I learn to discipline myself and sacrifice time once spent on other activities, I am beginning to see His face again as I did long ago. I am beginning to hear His voice. I am beginning to see with His eyes. I am beginning to know His purposes more clearly and can see His fruit in my life. This is life. I'm excited.

As I seek to know Him more intimately, I have also resolved to be more disciplined in scripture memory. See, I can paraphrase with the best of 'em! But I want to know His Word, I want it buried in my heart. Too bad I can't keep up with all His precious words that He has been laying on my heart! But step by step, I hope to carve them into my heart. As I have been failing lately at unconditional love, at mercy, one of my first verses is Psalm 103:8-12:

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with
unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry
forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal with us
harshly, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed
our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

Yes, that was without looking! The challenge will be to remember it tomorrow, then next week, then next month. But He blesses our efforts, and I believe, with discipline, He will help me to engrain His truths within me. And since He calls us to reflect Him, I've got some work to do on living out those words! Compassionate, merciful, not accusing, letting go of anger, not holding grudges or keeping score...showing grace and forgiveness. Cake, right!? Right... But hey, the life He's called us to is not supposed to be easy, but it is supposed to be amazing!

Love you guys.

angels gettin' crazy

Ok, so I was talking with a friend today about how I sometimes struggle with teaching ESL because there are more important things in the world than getting your commas in the right place, knowing the difference between an adjective and an adverb, and understanding subject-verb agreement. I love that I get to be surrounded by people from around the world nearly everyday of the week. I love that they love learning (most of them). I love that I get to challenge, inspire, motivate, and equip them, and who knows what they'll do with those skills later. But really, in the grand scheme of things, who really cares if they can write a good paragraph!? Sometimes I struggle to motivate myself to "waste" time learning the grammar or figuring out creative ways to teach it when I am constantly thinking about the bigger picture. I want to live for more. I want to give people hope. I want to see people come alive. So, my friend who was totally digging what I said, gave me a great pep talk on how I'm making a difference. Ooh yay, somebody thinks it matters...but still... It's not that what I do doesn't matter or isn't important, but I want more!

Well, apparently, God was listening to my plea for greater purpose. One really cool conversation (the listening ear from above), was followed by another, and yet another. With a few friends, we spoke of all the craziness in the world (namely Uganda and Sudan), why it matters to care about all that, and how we could make a difference. I'd say that's inspiring. I leave that office and crash into a couple other friends. We got to talk about Ramadan and fasting. Again, a conversation that made a couple of the individuals really think about some things...myself included. Then, trying to go home once again (those of you who have ever tried to leave somewhere with me know how ineffective that can be when I run into people!), I encountered some long, lost Vietnamese friends. I stopped to catch up for a moment, which turned into almost a two-hour conversation. It went all over the place, but we talked about God, Christianity, and Buddhism for quite awhile. Wow, wasn't even trying. But get this, none of that even compares to what's coming...

I get home and Chris Chris comes to visit. See, God's been tugging at her heart for awhile now. She has all but given herself to Him for a couple months. She adjusted her life's path in order to follow Him and serve people for Him. She started letting go of things that were not of Him. He has been rearranging her way of thinking, doing incredible work in her heart...telling her daily, "I want you. I'm waiting for you." She's told me countless times in the last few weeks, "I want to live for Him. I want to be His." Yet something was holding her back. Today, she finally said she couldn't even figure out what her excuse was. What it came down to was the fear of 'no turning back.' She knows He won't let go. After some time, some thinking, some praying, some more time, some more praying...she said, "I want to jump." So jump I did...on Riss and Six who were sleeping. They came in to join us during the first minute (12:01 a.m.) of Wednesday, October 25, as Chris prayed and handed her life over to Christ...completely..."marked in Him with a seal" and now "God's possession" (Ephesians 1:13-14). Freedom...finally, freedom... Beauty, righteousness, purpose, identity, unconditional love, worthiness, no more shame...all through Him. Praise God!

"You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed."
(Psalm 139:16)

Happy Birthday Chris Chris!!
Wednesday, October 25, 12:01 a.m.

P.S. I was trying to find a picture of angels celebrating. The picture up top was the best I could do! But hey, it might look something like that up there!!

have I ever told you that I'm sorry?

It sucks when you screw up badly and it doesn't just hurt you, but it hurts the people around you. It sucks when you think if you just try hard enough, you can make it ok, but you can't. I heard this song this morning...and have been listening to it over and over since. I've heard it many times before, but it just hit me this time. There are a few people in my life that need to hear these words from me. We all have junk inside of us that gets in the way even when we try our best to love people. I hope God will change what's inside of me...because I can't. I hope I'll be humble enough to let Him do that.

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry it didn't work out
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I walked out
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I didn't think about
How it was gonna make you feel

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry I wasn't honest
We don't know how these lies are gonna come back to haunt us
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I broke my promise
That I made to you

But I believed it was right for me (for you)
Or at least it seemed so at the time
But reality got the best of me
And I guess (know) I lost my mind

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I forgot
Just how hard I said I'd try I thought I did but I guess not
Have I ever told you that I I've been thinkin' about this
Quite an awful lot

But I believed it was right for me (and you)
Or at least it seemed so at the time
But reality got the best of me
And I guess (know) I lost my mind

Have I ever told you that I love the way you've turned out
Have I ever told you that I've been watching and
I'm so proud Have I ever told you that I'm still trying to figure out
What's inside of me

But I believe there is hope for me
And it's gonna take some time
There's a God who sees what's inside of me
And I know He can change my mind

(Lyrics by FFH)

stumbling along

This gets me every time. "A thousand times," doesn't even begin to capture it, and I am I will most certainly "stumble again." I need that "grace" in large supply. And if there is any hope at all, I need to master "the art of losing myself" in Him.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains

And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

In my heart and my soul
Lord, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

(Lyrics by Hillsong United)