two convictions and a plea for accountability
Today made me pooped. It wasn't bad, but it wore me out. Had fun with my 'kids' though. Then I got to go to my regular Friday deal and be challenged and encouraged. Sometimes I close my heart because I'm exhausted or I just don't want to deal with it, but tonight, I let God in. I listened and tried to respond as He led. I don't know that I heard everything He tried to say, weariness, laziness and distractions still interfered. Nonetheless, I met Him there and was both challenged to think about and change a few things, and encouraged by some listening ears that understood. One thing God challenged me with (and has been challenging me with) was the use of my (or should I say "His") time. Two things weighed really heavy on my heart.
First, quiet times, a.k.a. private worship, devotions, and many other things, I'm sure. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and longing for my time with Him to be more consistent and more authentic. This has not been a conviction of guilt, but rather a realization of need. I am hungry for Him, I want to be filled by Him, I am desperate for intimacy with Him. Yet I struggle. Other responsibilities sometimes tug at my time and attention, and other times, I'm just plain lazy. Why? I don't know. But I thought a lot tonight about those times with God - how to make them a priority (not just when there's time, but always), when I would be able to focus best, and what those times would/could consist of. I spend time with God...when I can, which for a procrastinator, is much less frequent than my heart and mind needs. So, I am going to fight for this. I want to start my day with Him. I want Him to be the center of my thoughts and my outlook for the day. I want to see His face and hear His voice as I cross paths with people and make choices with my time and other resources throughout each day. I want to have a constant conversation with Him, when I wake up, when I drive, when I walk, and even as I interact with others. I've been there before. I want to be there again.
So, God, it's You and me...every morning. Sometimes, I'll be late, and sometimes, I'll brush You off, but I know You'll still be waiting. Help me to show up too!
Second, I was very convicted about this darned computer. Computers and the internet are an incredible blessing. They open doors to information, to communication, and even to community and relationship. They are not the terrible monster that some make them out to be. They do, however, consume far too much of my time. Every time I hit the power switch, the rabbit chase begins. It's like going to WalMart! I go with one specific purpose, then I click on one thing that leads to another that leads to another. Or there's the moments where I have no need to be on it, but it's like it's calling out to me. What if there's a good email I haven't seen yet? What if someone posted something on their blog and I'm not totally caught up on their life when I see them? Or it gets worse... the times when I use the computer purely as a distraction, perhaps from a responsibility (as the procrastination sets in), or even worse, as a tool to numb the senses and avoid thought, reflection, introspection, and the accompanying emotions. Ok, so with the confession aside, what was the conclusion God set in my heart? Well, I have attempted a couple things to limit, or perhaps control, my overuse. First of all (and I have attempted this before, but I'm putting it out there so those of you who care enough can ask and hold me accountable), the computer is not to be touched before I've spent time with God. Again, not because I feel obligated or trapped by a rule or law, but because I know how desperately I need that time. Second, while I want to attempt to turn the computer off (ya, not standby so I can check it again before bed!) by 10 or 11pm, I want to draw the line at midnight (except on weekends! That's why now is ok!). So, again, if you want to hold me accountable, look at what time I post! (Dang, I'm getting myself into a heap of mess by telling all of you this! But I guess that's where I need to be, because holding myself accountable hasn't been working out too well.) Ok, finally, and I think this is huge, I need to take the Sabbath more seriously (thanks, Leah); therefore, there will be NO computer on Sundays. Whoa! That's crazy. Get this though, that means that all my prep for classes has to be done by Saturday night, or I've got to get up early (ya right!) on Mondays to finish it up. That's a hardcore commitment for me, but I've got to draw the line. What matters more - walking in intimacy with Him and having time to hear Him and be used by Him to serve others, or the benefits and joy I get from my computer? Ya, I'm drawing the line. When I fall on my face though, please love me, but don't let me get away with it! I fight hard, but don't let me be arrogant and self-righteous.
Ok, this was going to be brief (I say that with far too much frequency!), but I can't just share a line, I've got to give you the gory details! Thanks for walking with me. Thanks for letting me be real. And now on to my humble battle. Praise God He always wins, because if anything was based on my ability to do so, I'd be in sad shape. Much love! Peace.
First, quiet times, a.k.a. private worship, devotions, and many other things, I'm sure. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and longing for my time with Him to be more consistent and more authentic. This has not been a conviction of guilt, but rather a realization of need. I am hungry for Him, I want to be filled by Him, I am desperate for intimacy with Him. Yet I struggle. Other responsibilities sometimes tug at my time and attention, and other times, I'm just plain lazy. Why? I don't know. But I thought a lot tonight about those times with God - how to make them a priority (not just when there's time, but always), when I would be able to focus best, and what those times would/could consist of. I spend time with God...when I can, which for a procrastinator, is much less frequent than my heart and mind needs. So, I am going to fight for this. I want to start my day with Him. I want Him to be the center of my thoughts and my outlook for the day. I want to see His face and hear His voice as I cross paths with people and make choices with my time and other resources throughout each day. I want to have a constant conversation with Him, when I wake up, when I drive, when I walk, and even as I interact with others. I've been there before. I want to be there again.
So, God, it's You and me...every morning. Sometimes, I'll be late, and sometimes, I'll brush You off, but I know You'll still be waiting. Help me to show up too!
Second, I was very convicted about this darned computer. Computers and the internet are an incredible blessing. They open doors to information, to communication, and even to community and relationship. They are not the terrible monster that some make them out to be. They do, however, consume far too much of my time. Every time I hit the power switch, the rabbit chase begins. It's like going to WalMart! I go with one specific purpose, then I click on one thing that leads to another that leads to another. Or there's the moments where I have no need to be on it, but it's like it's calling out to me. What if there's a good email I haven't seen yet? What if someone posted something on their blog and I'm not totally caught up on their life when I see them? Or it gets worse... the times when I use the computer purely as a distraction, perhaps from a responsibility (as the procrastination sets in), or even worse, as a tool to numb the senses and avoid thought, reflection, introspection, and the accompanying emotions. Ok, so with the confession aside, what was the conclusion God set in my heart? Well, I have attempted a couple things to limit, or perhaps control, my overuse. First of all (and I have attempted this before, but I'm putting it out there so those of you who care enough can ask and hold me accountable), the computer is not to be touched before I've spent time with God. Again, not because I feel obligated or trapped by a rule or law, but because I know how desperately I need that time. Second, while I want to attempt to turn the computer off (ya, not standby so I can check it again before bed!) by 10 or 11pm, I want to draw the line at midnight (except on weekends! That's why now is ok!). So, again, if you want to hold me accountable, look at what time I post! (Dang, I'm getting myself into a heap of mess by telling all of you this! But I guess that's where I need to be, because holding myself accountable hasn't been working out too well.) Ok, finally, and I think this is huge, I need to take the Sabbath more seriously (thanks, Leah); therefore, there will be NO computer on Sundays. Whoa! That's crazy. Get this though, that means that all my prep for classes has to be done by Saturday night, or I've got to get up early (ya right!) on Mondays to finish it up. That's a hardcore commitment for me, but I've got to draw the line. What matters more - walking in intimacy with Him and having time to hear Him and be used by Him to serve others, or the benefits and joy I get from my computer? Ya, I'm drawing the line. When I fall on my face though, please love me, but don't let me get away with it! I fight hard, but don't let me be arrogant and self-righteous.
Ok, this was going to be brief (I say that with far too much frequency!), but I can't just share a line, I've got to give you the gory details! Thanks for walking with me. Thanks for letting me be real. And now on to my humble battle. Praise God He always wins, because if anything was based on my ability to do so, I'd be in sad shape. Much love! Peace.
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