a camel through the eye of a needle

The other day, I read through the story in the gospels (Matthew 19:23-30, Mark 10:23-31, and Luke 18:24-30) about how difficult it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom. I read through it thinking, "OK, well that's not me, so what insights can I gain from these passages?" Sadly, I came up with nothing. Today, these stories caught my eye again, and immediately, I had the same thought, "Ya, I'm not rich!"

But God challenged me saying, "Yes, Jenelle, you are rich!"

Immediately, I remembered countless statistics about how even the poorest American is richer than much of the world. The average bum in America eats better than middle-class citizens in other parts of the world. Just because I am not rich compared to those immediately surrounding me does not mean I am not rich.

A couple points to consider...

1. Compared to much of the world, I make more money in a few hours than they can make in a month.
   
2. When I consider my current "needs," the list looks something like this: shoes (sure, the ones I have are falling apart, but I still have several!), headphones (gotta have something to listen to songs on my new mp3 playing cell phone, right!?), a dressy coat (heaven forbid I wear my "casual" jacket to work even though it does its job and keeps me warm), a DVD player (it's too much work to move the one from the other room into my bedroom and I don't like leaving my laptop on all night when I fall asleep to a movie on it). Come on! I have no real needs!
3. And this is the kicker... When is the last time I had no choice but to depend on God because I was unable to meet my own needs...or even the needs of those around me? Uh...can't think of one. Sure, I must depend on God for emotional and spiritual needs, but those are so much less tangible - and much more easily scraped under the rug and forgotten about.
   

I AM the rich man (or woman) Jesus spoke about. I AM my provision. I AM the solution to most of my problems. I AM... No wonder it is so difficult for me to depend on Him in the less tangible things! I haven't learned to do it in the things I can touch and see and smell.

Lord, teach us to depend on you as whole-heartedly as those who have no option. Help us to treasure your provision and not our own. Help us to determine our needs based on your priorities and not our own perception. Save us from our self-sufficiency that we may know your complete sufficiency.

a startling realization

Those who know me well, no doubt know these two things:

1. I love meaningful time spent with people. It is not uncommon for me to give up hours a day to conversations. In fact, meaningful conversations that challenge, inspire, enlighten, or develop authenticity probably drive me more than much else in life.
2. I hate grading, planning, and other tedious tasks. I love going deeper with people. These tasks do not line up with that passion. On the contrary, they force me to neglect #1.
   

This morning, I was in the midst of planning out some of these dreaded tasks - scanning papers, creating a grading rubric, trying to narrow down to the minute how long it would take to grade these darned narrative paragraphs - when the Lord thankfully took my mind captive for a moment.

I have always struggled with consistently setting aside time fully focused and devoted to God. I've used the fact that I am a night person to justify not having a quiet time in the morning. Yet by the time I finish my tasks in the evening (or early morning, whatever you want to call it), my eyelids are rarely willing to go along with these intended quiet times. I lost hope for that years ago. So I've fought for mornings. Unfortunately, I wake up with so many things on my mind - the unfinished tasks from the previous night, all the ungraded papers, the unplanned classes that lay just hours ahead of me, the day's meetings that I'm not prepared for, the disaster that I call my room, small group and worship leading that I need to get my heart and mind prepared for - and suddenly, the thought of being still with the Lord causes a great deal of tension in my mind. To fight this, I try to set a small goal for that time - find a verse that will help me or someone else through the day, pray for someone I've committed to pray for, learn something I didn't know before, etc. Hmm...I don't think this is how God desires for me to spend time with Him.

The question He raised in my mind this morning was this: When I talk to people, do I set goals? Or do I just share my heart, hoping to see more of theirs, and seeking means of mutual encouragement? I just talk! When a conversation presents itself, I immediately set aside all the tasks of the day, all my preoccupation, and I throw my whole heart into seeing the other person's heart and letting them see mine. Nearly every time I do so, I walk away feeling encouraged, I've discovered new insights, I've been challenged, and I believe that the other person often feels the same. Only after I walk away (usually an hour or more later) do I remember all the responsibilities on my shoulders. I may feel slightly more stressed, but I feel refreshed and inspired and I'm ready to leap into that task.

On the contrary, when I must deal with one of the many tedious tasks of life, I have to prepare myself for it. I lay each piece of the project out before me. I evaluate what must be done and how to do it most effectively. I even try to calculate how much time it should take. Then I drudgingly begin, chasing after every distraction or less daunting task that presents itself along the way, inevitably lengthening my time calculations and causing the task to span over endless days, weeks, and sometimes months.

Sadly, when I consider those two distinct functions in my life, if I had to put my time with the Lord in one of those categories, it would be the latter, not the former. Why is that? I crave relationship with Him, not knowledge, not goals. Have I been programmed to seek accomplishments rather than just Him? No wonder it has been so difficult to seek after Him each day.

Lord, I pray that I would truly recognize that you are not a task, not a goal, not something to be checked off the to-do list, not even something to add knowledge, insight or purpose to my life. You are the ultimate in relationships. Lord, help me to invest myself in knowing you with a passion that far outweighs my passion for people. Help me to sit down with you just to hear Your heart and share mine. I know that I know how; I do it with people everyday. Lord, teach me to do it with you.

I'm coming coming...back back...to blogging blogging

It's been on my heart lately that I need to get back into blogging a little more consistently. Not that I was ever too consistent, but once in three months is a little too inconsistent.

Anyways, I've gotten so carried away with life that I rarely sit back and reflect. In fact, I rarely sit still at all! I believe that's a tragedy. In fact, I was reminded today as Socrates said that, "The unexamined life is not worth living." It's interesting that my greatest fear is that I'll arrive at the end of my life, look back and realize that I have wasted it, yet I spend so little time evaluating whether I'm spending my days on the things that truly matter. I just keep moving, so fast, doing everything I can to keep up and failing daily, yet not reflecting on whether those things that consume me really even matter at all.

All this to say, I need to spend more time reflecting, evaluating, praying, and being intentional about how I spend the moments of my life, pulling away from the emergencies and the urgency even if just for a few minutes each day. Writing helps me to do that. Attempting to write with purpose helps even more. Writing causes me to stop and look at my life, and as I pause, I often gain a new perspective, and when I'm lucky, that perspective is one God's been trying to show me but I've been too busy to see.

So I'm going to attempt to re-enter the blogging world. Accountability would be great. If anyone's still out there reading this thing, stay on me, respond, ask questions, engage in dialogue, share your insights, nag me when you see me...whatever, just hold me to being real and sharing my thoughts.

Love you guys. Peace!

What the World Eats

Check out this photo essay at Time Magazine, taken from the book Hungry Planet by Peter Menzel. The photos are not necessarily indicative of the norms in each country, yet it is still interesting to consider the variations in what a normal week consists of for families in different cultures. Pay special attention as you look at the families from Chad, Bhutan, and Ecuador. Consider the number of people in the photo and the amount and types of food, and then consider the food you think is essential in your own home each week. Interesting to reflect on…

Thoughts?

eight dollar hot dog

Please watch this. It's about 4:30 minutes. Thought-provoking. Please share your thoughts.

desperation

I will dance, I will sing, to be mad for my King. Nothing, Lord, is hindering this passion in my soul. And I'll become even more undignified than this. Some may say it's foolishness, but I'll become even more undignified than this. Leave my pride by my side.


I woke up with this song on my heart. Since this song is in line with some of the truths God spoke to me yesterday, I will consider that maybe He is trying to encourage me further along those lines. So what was spoken yesterday?

Carole, a missionary in Northern Uganda, spoke at Path of Life Church here in Riverside. As we walked in, it felt different from most worship services I have experienced in the U.S. The people actually seemed to be worshiping unashamed. It wasn’t all crazy and buckwild, just real, authentic, unashamed worship. A not caring what my neighbor thinks, just coming before the living God in gratitude for all that He is and all that He does in me. True worship. Some hands were raised, some heads were bowed, some eyes were closed, and some just sang. True worship. I desire true worship, yet concern for what others think, and unwillingness to pull back from the world and life long enough to truly reflect on my heart and on Christ, and so many other distractions keep me from it. True worship. Unashamed worship.

Then Carole spoke. She felt at home. She spoke with passion, with conviction. She shared the sadness of 2 Samuel 14:28 – “Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king’s face.” Absalom, the son of the king, went two years in his father’s kingdom, yet never saw his father’s face. It seems absurd. It seems unlikely. Yet so many of us, as Christians, spend our whole lives claiming to be sons or daughters of the King, and fail to ever see His face. We seek His hands, we seek answers and direction, but we rarely, if ever, seek His face, seek to truly know Him, to walk with Him, to simply be in His presence. What a sad thing that we miss the most amazing aspect of our relationship with God. In pursuit of doing or being for Him, we completely miss being with Him.

As Carole proceeded, she explained that throughout Scripture, it was a hunger, a desperation for God that moved His hand. Complacency never does. In America, more than any other nation, I believe, many of us have become complacent. We are unaware of our desperate need to see God’s face, to be moved by His hand. We do not need more knowledge, more teaching, we need more hunger, more desperation.

God, am I willing to be undignified, to lose the respect of those around me, to be humbled so much as to be desperate for you?

undivided

"Train me, God, to walk straight;
then I'll follow your true path.
Put me together, one heart and mind;
then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear."
~Psalm 86:11

Even David, a man after God's own heart, had to ask God to give him an undivided heart. Why do I believe that if I just strive hard enough, I can remain fully committed to God? I don't have the capacity. Regardless of how hard I try, I am incapable. But that is not the end... He can give me an undivided heart, a heart fully His, if I seek Him, if I trust Him, and not my own strength. Lord, I want an undivided heart. I do not want be torn between myself and You...I just want You.

because it pleases YOU, I come

OK, so I'm grading papers. I HATE grading papers! Although occasionally it's quite humorous and entertaining, more often, it's just tedious. So I'm totally not feeling like grading, but I'm SO behind. Usually, that's a result of me being a slacker and procrastinator, but that's actually not true this time. Life's just been busy...good, but busy.

Today, however, I find myself with several hours of "down time." As one might imagine, grading is not what my heart is longing for, yet it calls to me. I feel like I have cabin fever, but I just started working! I keep pausing to consider all the other things I could be doing, but the guilt ties me down. The temptation was beginning to win... And then God spoke...

I come tonight to yield my right. I give YOU my life, as a gift of offering...

Now, that wasn't Moi's intended message, but God spoke pretty clearly to me...right when I needed to hear it. That sucks! He's spoken to me so much about learning discipline and learning to focus, yet I sit here like a victim of severe ADD.

I'm not here to serve my comfort or my desires. I'm here to give it all to YOU, to pour myself out until there is nothing left, to give and not hold back, to serve others selflessly, to do my best...even in the seemingly mundane. God, help me to give everything I've got to the tasks to which YOU've called me. Remind me that it's not about me.


For those of you who are interested, Moi's song is rad. It's called Te Agrada a Ti or It Pleases You. Here's the rest:

I come tonight to yield my right. I give You my life as a gift of offering like the one that You gave me. It may not make a difference. It may not change a single life. It may not move a single stone. But it pleases You... Because it pleases You, I come...

It's so not about me.

a new priority

I have not blogged in a long time. I hope you don't mind. I have been spending less time on the computer and more time with the Father and His Word. That is always something I say is important to me, yet it is something that I never seem to have time for. I know I need it, I'm hungry for it, yet other priorities stand in the way. Although I have said for some time that He is more important to me than anything, my life has not reflected that for quite some time. I try to fit Him in, but only with what I have left after all the other responsibilities and things I choose to give my time to.

Through Christmas, I did a lot of reflecting. It started back at Thanksgiving, actually. I thought a lot about the fact that I want my life's purpose to be whatever His purpose is. I want my life, my words, my work, my attitude, my accomplishments all to reflect Him. I want to live a life that encourages and challenges others to pursue Him more passionately. I desire these things more than anything else. These convictions fill my thoughts daily, along with the frustration and disappointment because I constantly fail to make that a reality. But how can I when I simply try to squeeze Him in? As He grew the conviction in my heart to strive for those things, as He increased those passions and desires in me, I resolved to place Him first, to give myself to Him before anything else, to make Him a priority above everything else. I suppose this could be considered my New Year's resolution. I shy away from those because I hate failing, and I don't know aobut you, but for me, failure is inevitable whenever I resolve to do anything. This resolution though, is far more important than anything else I could ever determine to do in my life, and it is far more essential. So, humbly, I have commited to make this year His, giving Him my firsts each day, and ending each day with Him as well. For me, doing these two things brings me to a point where I walk and converse with Him constantly throughout the day. This is my desire. That I would "pray without ceasing," that I would never stop seeking His face.

For those of you who know me, I'm sure you could guess that I have already failed. Yet, in this indeavor, I am trying to place my failures in His hands, simply accept His grace rather than my own shame, and continue striving after Him rather than giving up out of fear or disappointment in failure. So as I fail, I strive harder. It is always so refreshing to me to realize that each mandate set for us was not simply another rule to follow, but rather a guideline to help us to live life to its fullest as He desires for us. As I learn to discipline myself and sacrifice time once spent on other activities, I am beginning to see His face again as I did long ago. I am beginning to hear His voice. I am beginning to see with His eyes. I am beginning to know His purposes more clearly and can see His fruit in my life. This is life. I'm excited.

As I seek to know Him more intimately, I have also resolved to be more disciplined in scripture memory. See, I can paraphrase with the best of 'em! But I want to know His Word, I want it buried in my heart. Too bad I can't keep up with all His precious words that He has been laying on my heart! But step by step, I hope to carve them into my heart. As I have been failing lately at unconditional love, at mercy, one of my first verses is Psalm 103:8-12:

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with
unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry
forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal with us
harshly, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed
our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

Yes, that was without looking! The challenge will be to remember it tomorrow, then next week, then next month. But He blesses our efforts, and I believe, with discipline, He will help me to engrain His truths within me. And since He calls us to reflect Him, I've got some work to do on living out those words! Compassionate, merciful, not accusing, letting go of anger, not holding grudges or keeping score...showing grace and forgiveness. Cake, right!? Right... But hey, the life He's called us to is not supposed to be easy, but it is supposed to be amazing!

Love you guys.

advent

I'm doing some research on Advent. It's an interesting thing from what I can tell. Although it is a long-standing tradition, it wears many different faces depending on the cultural and religious strand in which it is found. However, the bottom line is that it is a time of waiting and anticipation for the coming of the Lord (typically beginning 4 Sundays before Christmas Day). The focus is on two (and some say three) comings: 1) Jesus birth, 2) His second coming, and 3) His coming into our hearts and lives. While see this anticipation as a time for penance and self-sacrifice in order to make ourselves right for the second coming of Christ, many choose instead to focus on the hope that comes through Christ. In both traditions, Advent is a time of reflection, patience, and a refocusing of our attention on Christ. While Advent has never been a tradition in my family (aside from our candy countdowns that we started on December 1st each year and let us know when Santa would be coming), it is something I'm finding myself quite intrigued by, for I know that I need to dig deep into my own heart and see myself and Christ more clearly. So, I will continue to dig into this thing called Advent as I seek to find and live out the true meaning and purpose of this Christmas celebration.

Check out this suggested prayer for the first day of Advent:

Lord God, I sense your power, your might and I stand in awe, painfully aware of how poor and weak I am before you. As I begin this Advent journey, teach me to turn to you in my fear and sorrow. I don't want to keep making my heart hard against you, turning a deaf ear to your invitation. Only you can help me to soften, to be like the clay in your gentle potter's hands.

"Why do you let us wanter, O Lord, from your ways, and harden our hearts so that we fear you not?" Isaiah 63

"Lord, make us turn to you; let us see your face and we shall be saved." Psalm 80

That I may see myself as I truly am and recognize my desperate need for Him. Blessings to you in this Christmas season...

I'm in a very mellow and reflective mood right now. It's the first time I've felt somewhat caught up with my teaching stuff and instead of filling my mind and time with people, TV, movies, internet...uhhh...or any other distractions, I'm just being still...trying to hear God. I've been looking through some of my journaling from several years back. I fell upon this paraphrase of Philippians 3:8. I loved it so much that I memorized it (along with the real verse, of course!). Check this out:

I eagerly give up all my prized possessions, I unhesitatingly forego the pleasure of my most intimate friendships, and without reservation, void all my greatest achievements for the amazing and priceless opportunity to intimately know, love, and serve my heavenly prince, Jesus Christ.

Wow...it looks like I need to set that one to memory again. I used to go over that in my mind over and over. He is all that I need. Do I believe that? If so, everything else pales in comparison. A couple years ago, I began to live like I believed that. I want to live like that again.

"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Philippians 3:7-9 NLT

living a little more or dying a little bit

Each moment of our existence, we are either growing into more or retreating into less. We are either living a little more or dying a little bit. ( Brennan Manning - The Ragamuffin Gospel)

It's interesting that the word "retreating" is used. I checked out dictionary.com, one of my new favorite websites, and found these definitions:

re·treat /riˈtrit/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ree-treet]

1. The act or process of withdrawing into safety or privacy, especially from something hazardous, formidable, or unpleasant.
2. The process of going backward or receding from a position of condition gained.
3. A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude.
4. An asylum, as for the insane
5. Pull back or move away or backward
6. Move back
7. Make a retreat from an earlier commitment or activity

I especially like #4, but somehow feel its relevance here is lacking. So we'll focus on the others. When I think of retreating, I think of running away or moving backwards, especially within the context of this quote and how I live my life. Now, there is a positive form of retreat. It is necessary to step back from life, to enjoy solitude, to withdraw...sometimes. There are healthy ways of doing this. In fact, it is commanded that we do it...once a week, take a day of rest.

I fail to do this most of the time. I retreat, but not good retreat. I spend so much of my time from day-to-day retreating (a.k.a. running away, hiding, moving back from responsibilities). Then all of those responsibilities still remain when it comes time to truly retreat. So, I think I accurately fit the mold for retreating into less.

This has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I finish so many days and feel it's been wasted. A little time doing this, a little time doing that, adds up to a whole bunch of time doing nothing that matters. Guilt over that weighs on me almost daily, but I've never been able to state it so precisely. I have spent far too much time retreating into less. I want to spend each moment of my existence growing into more. I want to be intentional with each moment. I want my little things - little choices about my time, about my priorities, etc. - to be edifying, to cause growth, in myself and others.

God, help me to be intentional. Teach me to grow into more...to live a little more each moment of my life. Help me not to be dead although I live.

tick, tick, tick

I read this this morning: "When the wheels of a clock move within, the hands on the dial will move without." (William Secker) When God is working on the inside, that will be visible in our service and love on the outside. I knew that. It's nothing new. But it's a cool picture. It's like I keep trying to make the hands on the clock go around just right...tick to the right beat, tell the right time. But the whole time, the devices on the inside aren't working right. So I spend all my time correcting the hands, moving them to the right place, trying to keep them moving because they're just not doing what they're supposed to. No wonder I don't have time to let God be my source of everything...to run to Him, to be filled by Him, to know Him deeply. I spend so much of my time trying to be a repairman (woman?), then the little that's left just trying to take care of responsibilities...all of which I would handle much more effectively and efficiently if I was paying more attention to my insides and less attention to my oustides. Hmmm... Tick, tick, tick...

my portion

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~Psalm 73:26

How long have I been watching my flesh and my heart fail, and yet I lean on my own strength. It is not my intent, nor my desire. But it seems almost out of necessity, I cling to my own strength. But how absurd is that!? God knocked me on my face (or rather, quit holding me up while I thought I was doing the holding) to remind me that my strength is not enough. I rested for a few days, and jumped right back into it.

And physical weariness is nothing compared to the emotional burdens my heart has been carrying. For so many nights, I've finally laid down to rest, and I realize I'm breathing so fast and my heart is just pounding. So many emotions running through me, regret, pain, frustration, longing...and all because of choices I've made when I was foolish enough to live as though my own strength was enough.

God places incredible blessings in our lives, and I don't know about you, but I feel so responsible to give all that I've got to give, to pour myself out until I'm empty so that I do not disappoint God, so that I make the most of those things, so that I take the best care possible of the things He's placed in my hands. But in doing so, I'm running on empty and I struggle to find time for Him. I become very aware of how desperately I need His strength and guidance, and yet I don't know how to add that to my plate.

Is that His desire? Not at all. He wants us to seek Him, to rest in Him, to run to Him, to hide in Him, so that HE can be the strength of our heart and our portion forever. Oh that I would learn to trust that again.

Is it me, or has there been a pattern with these heart-felt posts?? Ya, this is something I struggle with constantly!

humility

"A truly humble man is sensible of his natural distance from God; of his dependence on Him; of the insufficiency of his own power and wisdom; and that it is by God's power that he is upheld and provided for, and that he needs God's wisdom to lead and guide him, and His might to enable him to do what he ought to do for Him."

~Jonathan Edwards

That about sums it up. We are nothing without His power, His wisdom, and His might. We are simply that lump of clay...useless to the world. We have nothing to offer in and of ourselves. But in Him, the possibilities never cease. Only in Him can we truly live for Him. Only when we submit ourselves completely to His hands can we become something beautiful...and He is faithful to mold us, to form us, and to grow us. Pretty amazing if you ask me.

overlooked

I did a lot today. I encountered a couple frustrations, quite a few amusements, and several hidden blessings. We'll focus on the blessings, which were all unplanned interactions with precious people.

It's been a long time since I've crossed the border into San Bernardino County. Most of my life used to center on those places, but now, it feels like untrodden territory. Nonetheless, having to be in Fontana in the morning for an appointment, then for a birthday party in the afternoon, left some time to be filled in the middle.

Banning always seems so far away from Riverside, so I typically only visit my grandparents there on special occasions. Sad, since most of my life, they lived in No Cal, and now, they're only 45 minutes away. But still, life gets in the way and I don't venture out there. So today, I paid them a visit. Nothing special really, but it was nice just to spend time with family. It's occurred to me recently that I need to spend more quality time with my family. They're a gift that I too often overlook. There is richness in those relationships that I've not made the time to let develop.

Then back through the desert hills to Fontana. The birthday party was fun, although Riss and I didn't know anybody there except the birthday girl's daddy (ya, not even the birthday girl)!! We met some cool strangers and got to talk about a lot of fun things. And we were the only white people to be found...I love that! On the drive home, we had the blessing (yes, the blessing) of hitting some pretty crazy traffic...at 8pm on a Saturday...what the heck!? So we're yacking it up as we coast at a rapid 2-3mph for a good hour or so. Then Riss points out that she and I never hang out together and it's cool just getting to talk.

OK, so Riss is one of my two roommates and I've known her for 8 or 9 years; we live next door to each other, eat meals together, work in the same place (and usually the same hours!), her sister is one of the closest people to me, I call her parents "Ma" and "Pops"...yet we've never really developed our own friendship. This week, we've gotten to spend one-on-ones a couple of times and it's been a real blessing...and usually pretty humorous. I've cared about the girl for a long time, and in many ways, considered her family, but I'm sad I've overlooked that friendship for so long.

So it hit me tonight - there are a lot of cool people in my life; some are strangers, some are family, and some are around me everyday. How many of them do I take for granted or overlook? Something to ponder...

P.S. It was a beautiful day today...great day to be outside in this awesome park.
P.P.S. Some of you might be excited to know that I was able to eat at the bbq, in public, like a normal person...my lip is coming back!! (More pictures coming soon...these ones will not be as graphic as the previous ones :))

emptied

So over the last year or so, I've been doing a lot of cool things for God. He's surrounded me with a lot of precious people, and I've been stretched in so many ways as I tried to learn to love them more deeply. I've poured myself out until there was nothing left. I've given all that I had, and still, I failed in so many ways. It wasn't enough; I didn't have enough to give. And this is the problem.

My intentions were good and my motives pure. My longing was to be a light, to bring them closer to Him, to show them unconditional love and compassion. I was thrilled with the chance to teach, to equip, to be a big sister to many, and simply a friend to others. All great things, yes. But the more I did them, the heavier the burden became.

While I was doing so many things for Him, I wasn't doing them with Him; I wasn't living by His strength, His wisdom, or His love, but rather, by my own, which is incredibly insufficient for all the passions inside of me. A few years ago, He was my source of all those things. At that time, the life I knew fell apart before my eyes and the ground was taken from beneath me. I knew without doubt that I had nothing left. There was nothing left in me to fix myself, to repair things, to bring any kind of happiness, to achieve things that mattered, or even to start over. I had to hand everything over to Him because, for the first time, I realized that He was all I really had; He was my only hope for feeling alive, for feeling that my life had any purpose, for becomming anything. Everything I had was insufficient. When I gave all I had, when I gave my best, it sucked. I could produce nothing worthwhile on my own, even with my best intentions and all my gifts in full swing, still, the fruit was worthless. The best I could give just created a mess. I finally discovered my desperation for Him to make me more than what I was, for I was nothing. For the first time in my life, I sought not simply to know about Him, but finally, I longed to know Him deeply, to be immersed in Him, to give Him absolutely all of me and let Him do whatever He wanted, to let go of myself completely (or as much as my selfish, stubborn nature would allow).

It was an incredible thing. All that nonsense about your joy being full, about Him pouring out of you...it was real! Not as a result of trying to become something or do something for Him, but simply as a result of chasing after Him and longing to be in His presence, I became so full. I was bubbling over and pouring into the people around me. For the first time, I had the ability to love unselfishly because He was filling me up and giving me more love than I could ever need. I had wisdom that certainly didn't come from me. And the smile...even in the middle of craziness, I had a hard time containing the joy. At moments when circumstances or individuals tore into me, still I saw Him teaching me; I felt Him wrapping His arms around me; I watched as He stretched and molded me. Even in those times, I was thankful. I could see Him moving, and it made me excited. This was what He had created me for: to know Him, to be used by Him. I was full, I was alive, my life mattered and I was able to love people in a way that changed them.

But somewhere along the way, I started carrying things in my own hands again. Life got busy, people around me had needs that blew my mind. As the burden grew, I found less time to seek His face. I wasn't seeking the Source of all that I needed; I wasn't being filled by Him, and thus, I became more and more empty, having less and less of myself to give. (In reality, there wasn't much of myself to give in the first place; what spilled out of me was all that He filled me with.)

I watched myself being emptied and felt helpless to stop it. I was terrified to let go of all I was holding. What if He didn't pick up the slack? What if He let these people that needed so much fall? What if they were broken? What if He didn't pick up the pieces? What if they lost hope? And so the weight grew heavier and the burden greater...along with the distance between me and my Source of all that I so desperately needed. My desire to give it all to Him again also grew, but how? I couldn't figure it out.

I think I knew this all along, but what it really came down to is that I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust how He would take care of people, how He would love and nurture them. I didn't trust His purposes or how He would go about them. As a result, I was trying to be in control of so many things that I had absolutely no control of. And all the while, I was losing sight of His perfect will. My vision of Him became so clouded. But the desire to give it back was still there.

A couple weeks ago, my longing to see Him again was compounded as I realized how much I wanted to trust Him again. Once again, I looked at what I had created, what I had accomplished when I gave everything I had in me. I held it up to what He had accomplished when He had everything in me. What I had was nothing. What I had was destroying me and hurting those around me...even as I gave all that I had and wanted so desperately to make a difference for Him. I needed to place at His feet what little I had left and allow Him to pick it up, to mold it, to rearrange it, to do as He would with it. I couldn't carry it any longer - this I had known for awhile. But I was to the point where I realized I didn't want to carry it any longer. I didn't want what I could produce; I only wanted what He could produce in and through me. Finally, a chance to see His face clearly again.

The last few weeks have been interesting as I learn to seek Him again. It's been awesome to walk with Him, to talk with Him, although sometimes a little awkward, like a friend you haven't seen for awhile. But He has shown me some amazing things. After trying for so long to see all the mess inside of me, in a day, He began to make the picture clearer. I began to understand things that had baffled me for some time. And as He built up my courage to let go, He encouraged me as He began to use me. Me! All the mess that I am...He wants to use me! That still baffles me. But that is the God that I serve, the God that I want to know and love deeply again.

And so the journey continues... I don't want to ask where is God in it all; I want God to be all. It's amazing when He is. I want to be emptied, not because I'm trying to bear the weight of the world on my shoulders and have nothing left, but because I'm laying it all in His hands everyday. I want to be emptied of myself, I want to be out of the way, so that He can fill me up, so that I may truly be full. I pray that we would all learn to trust Him and lay it all in His hands so we would know His fullness and never truly be empty.

Pool Tables and Parking Lot Convos

The last 24 hours (or perhaps a little more) have been filled with so many incredible conversations. I feel blessed and overwhelmed. I am amazed as I consider all the Lord is doing in my life these days. I am certainly unworthy.

I have had three conversations in the last 24 hours, all completely unintentional, and none with this purpose... but each has come to this point: God chooses the weakest vessels to carry His message. We are broken, sinful, and unworthy, but in choosing to use us for His glory, He is MOST glorified. That is because there is no way that we, ourselves, the broken vessels that we are, could accomplish the works He has placed in our hands. Thus our eyes can no longer look upon ourselves in awe, but must turn to Him.

He seeks nothing more than His own glory, yet in doing so, we are blessed. Although we are broken and weak, our lives are used by the Creator, and we feel fulfilled and satisfied as, in our weakness, we live for the very thing we were created for...turning others' eyes to Him.