201 Great Questions

Several years ago, Sandals Church blessed all the small group leaders with a spiffy little gift - a tiny book called 201 Great Questions. It's filled with questions ranging from absolutely silly to pretty deep and even soul-searching. We keep it in my car and pull it out from time to time on road trips to inspire conversation. Today, while driving (shhh), I don't know why I felt an urge to grab it. This is the question that I found:

What does this statement mean to you: "Activity that does not result in progress toward a goal is a waste of time"? Do you agree?

Wow. Interesting after my last post. I think God was trying to take that conviction just a nudge deeper. I definitely fall into that trap...probably daily.

How about you? Let's get some conversation going. Share your thoughts.

a startling realization

Those who know me well, no doubt know these two things:

1. I love meaningful time spent with people. It is not uncommon for me to give up hours a day to conversations. In fact, meaningful conversations that challenge, inspire, enlighten, or develop authenticity probably drive me more than much else in life.
2. I hate grading, planning, and other tedious tasks. I love going deeper with people. These tasks do not line up with that passion. On the contrary, they force me to neglect #1.
   

This morning, I was in the midst of planning out some of these dreaded tasks - scanning papers, creating a grading rubric, trying to narrow down to the minute how long it would take to grade these darned narrative paragraphs - when the Lord thankfully took my mind captive for a moment.

I have always struggled with consistently setting aside time fully focused and devoted to God. I've used the fact that I am a night person to justify not having a quiet time in the morning. Yet by the time I finish my tasks in the evening (or early morning, whatever you want to call it), my eyelids are rarely willing to go along with these intended quiet times. I lost hope for that years ago. So I've fought for mornings. Unfortunately, I wake up with so many things on my mind - the unfinished tasks from the previous night, all the ungraded papers, the unplanned classes that lay just hours ahead of me, the day's meetings that I'm not prepared for, the disaster that I call my room, small group and worship leading that I need to get my heart and mind prepared for - and suddenly, the thought of being still with the Lord causes a great deal of tension in my mind. To fight this, I try to set a small goal for that time - find a verse that will help me or someone else through the day, pray for someone I've committed to pray for, learn something I didn't know before, etc. Hmm...I don't think this is how God desires for me to spend time with Him.

The question He raised in my mind this morning was this: When I talk to people, do I set goals? Or do I just share my heart, hoping to see more of theirs, and seeking means of mutual encouragement? I just talk! When a conversation presents itself, I immediately set aside all the tasks of the day, all my preoccupation, and I throw my whole heart into seeing the other person's heart and letting them see mine. Nearly every time I do so, I walk away feeling encouraged, I've discovered new insights, I've been challenged, and I believe that the other person often feels the same. Only after I walk away (usually an hour or more later) do I remember all the responsibilities on my shoulders. I may feel slightly more stressed, but I feel refreshed and inspired and I'm ready to leap into that task.

On the contrary, when I must deal with one of the many tedious tasks of life, I have to prepare myself for it. I lay each piece of the project out before me. I evaluate what must be done and how to do it most effectively. I even try to calculate how much time it should take. Then I drudgingly begin, chasing after every distraction or less daunting task that presents itself along the way, inevitably lengthening my time calculations and causing the task to span over endless days, weeks, and sometimes months.

Sadly, when I consider those two distinct functions in my life, if I had to put my time with the Lord in one of those categories, it would be the latter, not the former. Why is that? I crave relationship with Him, not knowledge, not goals. Have I been programmed to seek accomplishments rather than just Him? No wonder it has been so difficult to seek after Him each day.

Lord, I pray that I would truly recognize that you are not a task, not a goal, not something to be checked off the to-do list, not even something to add knowledge, insight or purpose to my life. You are the ultimate in relationships. Lord, help me to invest myself in knowing you with a passion that far outweighs my passion for people. Help me to sit down with you just to hear Your heart and share mine. I know that I know how; I do it with people everyday. Lord, teach me to do it with you.

I'm coming coming...back back...to blogging blogging

It's been on my heart lately that I need to get back into blogging a little more consistently. Not that I was ever too consistent, but once in three months is a little too inconsistent.

Anyways, I've gotten so carried away with life that I rarely sit back and reflect. In fact, I rarely sit still at all! I believe that's a tragedy. In fact, I was reminded today as Socrates said that, "The unexamined life is not worth living." It's interesting that my greatest fear is that I'll arrive at the end of my life, look back and realize that I have wasted it, yet I spend so little time evaluating whether I'm spending my days on the things that truly matter. I just keep moving, so fast, doing everything I can to keep up and failing daily, yet not reflecting on whether those things that consume me really even matter at all.

All this to say, I need to spend more time reflecting, evaluating, praying, and being intentional about how I spend the moments of my life, pulling away from the emergencies and the urgency even if just for a few minutes each day. Writing helps me to do that. Attempting to write with purpose helps even more. Writing causes me to stop and look at my life, and as I pause, I often gain a new perspective, and when I'm lucky, that perspective is one God's been trying to show me but I've been too busy to see.

So I'm going to attempt to re-enter the blogging world. Accountability would be great. If anyone's still out there reading this thing, stay on me, respond, ask questions, engage in dialogue, share your insights, nag me when you see me...whatever, just hold me to being real and sharing my thoughts.

Love you guys. Peace!

because it pleases YOU, I come

OK, so I'm grading papers. I HATE grading papers! Although occasionally it's quite humorous and entertaining, more often, it's just tedious. So I'm totally not feeling like grading, but I'm SO behind. Usually, that's a result of me being a slacker and procrastinator, but that's actually not true this time. Life's just been busy...good, but busy.

Today, however, I find myself with several hours of "down time." As one might imagine, grading is not what my heart is longing for, yet it calls to me. I feel like I have cabin fever, but I just started working! I keep pausing to consider all the other things I could be doing, but the guilt ties me down. The temptation was beginning to win... And then God spoke...

I come tonight to yield my right. I give YOU my life, as a gift of offering...

Now, that wasn't Moi's intended message, but God spoke pretty clearly to me...right when I needed to hear it. That sucks! He's spoken to me so much about learning discipline and learning to focus, yet I sit here like a victim of severe ADD.

I'm not here to serve my comfort or my desires. I'm here to give it all to YOU, to pour myself out until there is nothing left, to give and not hold back, to serve others selflessly, to do my best...even in the seemingly mundane. God, help me to give everything I've got to the tasks to which YOU've called me. Remind me that it's not about me.


For those of you who are interested, Moi's song is rad. It's called Te Agrada a Ti or It Pleases You. Here's the rest:

I come tonight to yield my right. I give You my life as a gift of offering like the one that You gave me. It may not make a difference. It may not change a single life. It may not move a single stone. But it pleases You... Because it pleases You, I come...

It's so not about me.

I'm in a very mellow and reflective mood right now. It's the first time I've felt somewhat caught up with my teaching stuff and instead of filling my mind and time with people, TV, movies, internet...uhhh...or any other distractions, I'm just being still...trying to hear God. I've been looking through some of my journaling from several years back. I fell upon this paraphrase of Philippians 3:8. I loved it so much that I memorized it (along with the real verse, of course!). Check this out:

I eagerly give up all my prized possessions, I unhesitatingly forego the pleasure of my most intimate friendships, and without reservation, void all my greatest achievements for the amazing and priceless opportunity to intimately know, love, and serve my heavenly prince, Jesus Christ.

Wow...it looks like I need to set that one to memory again. I used to go over that in my mind over and over. He is all that I need. Do I believe that? If so, everything else pales in comparison. A couple years ago, I began to live like I believed that. I want to live like that again.

"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Philippians 3:7-9 NLT

obsession

Ok, for those of you who were so anxious to find out, I am being intentional about the computer thing. Saturday night, midnight, I shut it down. It was quite tempting to just do "one more thing," but I'm getting sick of living in a world of exceptions. Sunday was such a blessing, and it just overflowed into yesterday. Now, when the heart finally becomes silent after running full speed ahead in whatever direction will fill time, it can be painful. Emotions, thoughts, and whatever else makes the stomach turn suddenly appear out of nowhere. So it was a little rough. However, I have not spent so much time with Him in far too long. Sunday, I was just hungry to be with Him because for once, I wasn't overwhelmed with distractions, yet my heart remained unsettled. Monday, something began stirring inside me, and I'm still not certain what it was, but it didn't feel good. What it did though, was drive me to Him...over and over and over. Good grief, my journal got warn out yesterday! But, by the time 4am came around (ya, that's when I actually finished my school prep after taking multiple breaks to pour myself out to Him because my stomach and my mind were running every which way!), I was filled with an awesome peace...finally. Today reflected that. Although I was functioning on a mere 4 hours of sleep, still had an impossible amount of stuff to finish before my classes, had an extra appointment before my classes (ya, those of you who know me know that I have a hard time getting anywhere on time, let alone earlier than on time!), and was planning to do classroom observations until 9pm, today was great and I just felt free. You know those moments where you finally feel like you can sing at the top of your lungs in your car? Ok, maybe you don't, but for me, that's what happens when my heart feels free. Is there a lot yet to be uncovered? Definitely, but man it feels good working my way back into His arms (Note: By working, I don't mean "works," but rather, making Him the priority that He should be and soaking in all the joys that come with acknowledging His constant presence.). Pray as that journey/battle continues and I attempt, once again, to learn some level of discipline and self-control.

two convictions and a plea for accountability

Today made me pooped. It wasn't bad, but it wore me out. Had fun with my 'kids' though. Then I got to go to my regular Friday deal and be challenged and encouraged. Sometimes I close my heart because I'm exhausted or I just don't want to deal with it, but tonight, I let God in. I listened and tried to respond as He led. I don't know that I heard everything He tried to say, weariness, laziness and distractions still interfered. Nonetheless, I met Him there and was both challenged to think about and change a few things, and encouraged by some listening ears that understood. One thing God challenged me with (and has been challenging me with) was the use of my (or should I say "His") time. Two things weighed really heavy on my heart.

First, quiet times, a.k.a. private worship, devotions, and many other things, I'm sure. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and longing for my time with Him to be more consistent and more authentic. This has not been a conviction of guilt, but rather a realization of need. I am hungry for Him, I want to be filled by Him, I am desperate for intimacy with Him. Yet I struggle. Other responsibilities sometimes tug at my time and attention, and other times, I'm just plain lazy. Why? I don't know. But I thought a lot tonight about those times with God - how to make them a priority (not just when there's time, but always), when I would be able to focus best, and what those times would/could consist of. I spend time with God...when I can, which for a procrastinator, is much less frequent than my heart and mind needs. So, I am going to fight for this. I want to start my day with Him. I want Him to be the center of my thoughts and my outlook for the day. I want to see His face and hear His voice as I cross paths with people and make choices with my time and other resources throughout each day. I want to have a constant conversation with Him, when I wake up, when I drive, when I walk, and even as I interact with others. I've been there before. I want to be there again.

So, God, it's You and me...every morning. Sometimes, I'll be late, and sometimes, I'll brush You off, but I know You'll still be waiting. Help me to show up too!

Second, I was very convicted about this darned computer. Computers and the internet are an incredible blessing. They open doors to information, to communication, and even to community and relationship. They are not the terrible monster that some make them out to be. They do, however, consume far too much of my time. Every time I hit the power switch, the rabbit chase begins. It's like going to WalMart! I go with one specific purpose, then I click on one thing that leads to another that leads to another. Or there's the moments where I have no need to be on it, but it's like it's calling out to me. What if there's a good email I haven't seen yet? What if someone posted something on their blog and I'm not totally caught up on their life when I see them? Or it gets worse... the times when I use the computer purely as a distraction, perhaps from a responsibility (as the procrastination sets in), or even worse, as a tool to numb the senses and avoid thought, reflection, introspection, and the accompanying emotions. Ok, so with the confession aside, what was the conclusion God set in my heart? Well, I have attempted a couple things to limit, or perhaps control, my overuse. First of all (and I have attempted this before, but I'm putting it out there so those of you who care enough can ask and hold me accountable), the computer is not to be touched before I've spent time with God. Again, not because I feel obligated or trapped by a rule or law, but because I know how desperately I need that time. Second, while I want to attempt to turn the computer off (ya, not standby so I can check it again before bed!) by 10 or 11pm, I want to draw the line at midnight (except on weekends! That's why now is ok!). So, again, if you want to hold me accountable, look at what time I post! (Dang, I'm getting myself into a heap of mess by telling all of you this! But I guess that's where I need to be, because holding myself accountable hasn't been working out too well.) Ok, finally, and I think this is huge, I need to take the Sabbath more seriously (thanks, Leah); therefore, there will be NO computer on Sundays. Whoa! That's crazy. Get this though, that means that all my prep for classes has to be done by Saturday night, or I've got to get up early (ya right!) on Mondays to finish it up. That's a hardcore commitment for me, but I've got to draw the line. What matters more - walking in intimacy with Him and having time to hear Him and be used by Him to serve others, or the benefits and joy I get from my computer? Ya, I'm drawing the line. When I fall on my face though, please love me, but don't let me get away with it! I fight hard, but don't let me be arrogant and self-righteous.

Ok, this was going to be brief (I say that with far too much frequency!), but I can't just share a line, I've got to give you the gory details! Thanks for walking with me. Thanks for letting me be real. And now on to my humble battle. Praise God He always wins, because if anything was based on my ability to do so, I'd be in sad shape. Much love! Peace.

living a little more or dying a little bit

Each moment of our existence, we are either growing into more or retreating into less. We are either living a little more or dying a little bit. ( Brennan Manning - The Ragamuffin Gospel)

It's interesting that the word "retreating" is used. I checked out dictionary.com, one of my new favorite websites, and found these definitions:

re·treat /riˈtrit/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ree-treet]

1. The act or process of withdrawing into safety or privacy, especially from something hazardous, formidable, or unpleasant.
2. The process of going backward or receding from a position of condition gained.
3. A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude.
4. An asylum, as for the insane
5. Pull back or move away or backward
6. Move back
7. Make a retreat from an earlier commitment or activity

I especially like #4, but somehow feel its relevance here is lacking. So we'll focus on the others. When I think of retreating, I think of running away or moving backwards, especially within the context of this quote and how I live my life. Now, there is a positive form of retreat. It is necessary to step back from life, to enjoy solitude, to withdraw...sometimes. There are healthy ways of doing this. In fact, it is commanded that we do it...once a week, take a day of rest.

I fail to do this most of the time. I retreat, but not good retreat. I spend so much of my time from day-to-day retreating (a.k.a. running away, hiding, moving back from responsibilities). Then all of those responsibilities still remain when it comes time to truly retreat. So, I think I accurately fit the mold for retreating into less.

This has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I finish so many days and feel it's been wasted. A little time doing this, a little time doing that, adds up to a whole bunch of time doing nothing that matters. Guilt over that weighs on me almost daily, but I've never been able to state it so precisely. I have spent far too much time retreating into less. I want to spend each moment of my existence growing into more. I want to be intentional with each moment. I want my little things - little choices about my time, about my priorities, etc. - to be edifying, to cause growth, in myself and others.

God, help me to be intentional. Teach me to grow into more...to live a little more each moment of my life. Help me not to be dead although I live.

have I ever told you that I'm sorry?

It sucks when you screw up badly and it doesn't just hurt you, but it hurts the people around you. It sucks when you think if you just try hard enough, you can make it ok, but you can't. I heard this song this morning...and have been listening to it over and over since. I've heard it many times before, but it just hit me this time. There are a few people in my life that need to hear these words from me. We all have junk inside of us that gets in the way even when we try our best to love people. I hope God will change what's inside of me...because I can't. I hope I'll be humble enough to let Him do that.

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry it didn't work out
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I walked out
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I didn't think about
How it was gonna make you feel

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry I wasn't honest
We don't know how these lies are gonna come back to haunt us
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I broke my promise
That I made to you

But I believed it was right for me (for you)
Or at least it seemed so at the time
But reality got the best of me
And I guess (know) I lost my mind

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I forgot
Just how hard I said I'd try I thought I did but I guess not
Have I ever told you that I I've been thinkin' about this
Quite an awful lot

But I believed it was right for me (and you)
Or at least it seemed so at the time
But reality got the best of me
And I guess (know) I lost my mind

Have I ever told you that I love the way you've turned out
Have I ever told you that I've been watching and
I'm so proud Have I ever told you that I'm still trying to figure out
What's inside of me

But I believe there is hope for me
And it's gonna take some time
There's a God who sees what's inside of me
And I know He can change my mind

(Lyrics by FFH)

tick, tick, tick

I read this this morning: "When the wheels of a clock move within, the hands on the dial will move without." (William Secker) When God is working on the inside, that will be visible in our service and love on the outside. I knew that. It's nothing new. But it's a cool picture. It's like I keep trying to make the hands on the clock go around just right...tick to the right beat, tell the right time. But the whole time, the devices on the inside aren't working right. So I spend all my time correcting the hands, moving them to the right place, trying to keep them moving because they're just not doing what they're supposed to. No wonder I don't have time to let God be my source of everything...to run to Him, to be filled by Him, to know Him deeply. I spend so much of my time trying to be a repairman (woman?), then the little that's left just trying to take care of responsibilities...all of which I would handle much more effectively and efficiently if I was paying more attention to my insides and less attention to my oustides. Hmmm... Tick, tick, tick...

mission impossible: night vision

We were challenged once again at Sandals on Sunday about our mission and our vision. Here are more of my thoughts. I will only answer a couple questions that really hit the spot. I am remaining brief(er?) out of respect for all the precious nonnative English speakers that read this (they're sacrificing hours of their lives just to keep up with me!). Let the reflections begin...

How many rejections are you willing to experience in order to hear just one person say, "Thank you for loving me into His Kingdom?"

Really, for me, the issue isn't the fear of rejection or even a willingness to sacrifice to show people His love through me. That's a lot of what I live for. I love people. I love loving them. I love giving myself for them. And I love when they see Him through me, because of me. I love sharing His hope; it changes lives. Sharing, risking, that is not my obstacle.

My obstacle is me, not the people I need to love. I have every desire and intention to love them with everything in me, to love unconditionally, to share hope and Truth whenever I can. But here's the problem: We need love in order to give love. He showers His love on us. There is never a shortage. My obstacle, my struggle, is that I fail to go to Him as my source of all that. Have I said this before? Ya, I think I say it a lot. But that's the bottom line, really. I can't give myself to others unless I am giving myself to Him completely first. Every time, without fail, I fall short. I pour myself out until I am empty.

And for crying outloud, they don't need me! They need Him!! I need to stop giving myself. I need to stop giving my love. That will never be enough. And even worse, it's destructive. When I am giving me, I begin seeking things that fill me. And none of them fill me enough. I seek things that hurt me and hurt others in an attempt to fill the emptiness from pouring myself out. All the while, God is sitting there wondering how I could possibly overlook His unending supply of everything I need. And still, I seek it elsewhere. This is my struggle. I need to be filled by Him.

My efforts to love others for Him cannot begin when I encounter the many precious people around me that need His love. The battle, the journey, must begin in my heart, in my priorities, in my understanding and acceptance of His incomprehensable love and grace...that is my obstacle.

The final question for discussion: What would He want me to begin doing today in order to be the hope that others are searching for?

I must once again begin living as though He is the hope that I am searching for! In my priorities, in my thoughts, He must come before all; He must be all.

This is not as brief as I intended, but it is progress. Until next time...

stumbling along

This gets me every time. "A thousand times," doesn't even begin to capture it, and I am I will most certainly "stumble again." I need that "grace" in large supply. And if there is any hope at all, I need to master "the art of losing myself" in Him.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains

And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

In my heart and my soul
Lord, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

(Lyrics by Hillsong United)

Mission Impossible...or is it?

I decided I need to be more transparent on here. I have no problem sharing struggles or joys with people, as long as I don't have to share the specifics. So I'm hoping to change that a bit. These are discussion questions from Sunday's message at Sandals. We're doing a series called Mission Impossible. Anyways, I decided I needed to think on some of the things discussed, then thought it would be interesting to share my thoughts. So here are a few...

Think of a time when you were NOT invited to a function, a party, or an event. How did it make you feel?

It's amazing. Even when I don't have any desire to attend something, I feel rejected if I'm not invited. I get bummed out and can't figure out what to do with myself. I just bum around aimlessly. What always astonishes me though, is that if I am invited and decline, I feel so much freedom. I feel like the world is mine and I can accomplish anything.

Some Small Groups are going to go to public places just to practice talking to people and starting conversations. Would you be willing to do this?

It seems odd at first thought, but really, that's what I do a lot of the time. Somehow, in college, I realized that people mattered...even seemingly unimportant people. I determined to do what I could to make people smile, to make them feel loved. It's funny, my dad has commented so many times lately at how odd it is that he's starting conversations with complete strangers ( i.e. cashiers, waitresses, other customers wherever we are). We kind of giggle because it would have been so unnatural and out of the question for him a few years ago. But now, it happens without him realizing it. We grin at each other because he knows how proud I am.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best, rate yourself on how well you've done talking to others about JC. What practical improvements do you think you could make?

Maybe a 5. I probably do it more than a lot of people, but not nearly as much as I should. Although I go out of my way to talk to people and be genuine with them, I don't always take the conversations where I could. I've realized recently that my conversations used to be a lot more focused on the person I was talking to and on encouragement and uplifting challenges. Those conversations were refreshing, and they nearly always led to Truths about Him. Now, however, I seem to just spew out whatever thoughts and emotions are on my mind. Sometimes those aren't so bad, while other times, I walk away and think, "Dang, that was just down right discouraging."

All that to say, I need to be more intentional about my conversations. They don't need to be about me, unless what I share would be encouraging to the people listening. I've found that when He's the center of my universe and my focus is on Him first, then on others and their needs, He becomes the center of many conversations quite naturally. So, step 1: Make Him my center. Step 2: Watch Him pour out of me.

Is anyone exempt from following the great commission (going, teaching, and baptizing)?

I don't necessarily think that the GC demands that everyone go...at least not far. I do believe that He has called every believer to His mission. But that has many folds. There are those that sow, those that reap. I also believe there are those that pray. I know a few individuals who have never left US soil, but their prayers have aided work around the globe and moved hearts closer to Him, and their hearts, attitudes, and words have inspired others to go. Some of those who have never 'gone' have done more for His mission than those who have gone to the ends of the earth. I believe we have all been commanded to play a role, to have a heart and a vision for His global purpose. I don't believe that looks the same for each of us.

Try to recall a time when you were in a situation and you knew that He was giving you an opportunity to talk to someone about JC. What happened? How did you respond?

As far as I can remember, when He says talk (or go, or do), I generally do so. It seems much wiser than making my own plans. In this type of situation, I don't think obedience is my obstacle. Rather, I often struggle distinguishing between His voice and my emotions. Sometimes I wish there was a blinking sign in front of me. But then, there are so many things He has explicitly said do, and I struggle to do. Maybe He's waiting to speak more clearly until I prove than I am willing to be obedient to what I've already heard. Something to ponder...

What do you feel is one of your most effective methods for communicating to others about JC? Why?

Living it. Loving people. When we live like He's told us to, when we set our priorities as He's called us to, we begin to overflow with Him. As I said, the conversations just come because people ask.

What is your least effective way?

Debates, arguments. I get too worked up. I like to win. But it's not my job to win. It's my job to share love and hope. So in those situations develop, my priorities and focus get out of wack. Not incredibly effective...or loving.

Actually, I have to add to that... I suck at trying to be everything to people for His sake. He doesn't need me! I don't have enough to give! My heart may be right, my desire for people to see Him through me...until I'm empty, and I begin failing them left and right, and my selfishness and brokenness win out...then I just make a mess...in fact, sometimes I think I do more damage than good for His name. That's all when I'm living on my own strength and lose sight of Him. That's probably the least effective way for me...and all of us, really.

What can you do to become a better communicator to others about JC?

Get my priorities straight and allow Him to be the focus of everything in me. Ya, it's a simple thing...YA RIGHT! Seriously though, it all flows from my walk with Him. If that's not growing, if I'm not leaning on Him and growing from His Word, it doesn't matter what comes out of my mouth.

Love is the core of His message to us. If we don't share with others, how does this mean that we don't love them enough?

People are looking for hope, looking for meaning. Living for Him, walking with Him, that is what we were built for. He is the only answer to those needs, those desires, those longings. Anything else we try to give, any other way we try to love, will only fall short and disappoint.

my portion

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~Psalm 73:26

How long have I been watching my flesh and my heart fail, and yet I lean on my own strength. It is not my intent, nor my desire. But it seems almost out of necessity, I cling to my own strength. But how absurd is that!? God knocked me on my face (or rather, quit holding me up while I thought I was doing the holding) to remind me that my strength is not enough. I rested for a few days, and jumped right back into it.

And physical weariness is nothing compared to the emotional burdens my heart has been carrying. For so many nights, I've finally laid down to rest, and I realize I'm breathing so fast and my heart is just pounding. So many emotions running through me, regret, pain, frustration, longing...and all because of choices I've made when I was foolish enough to live as though my own strength was enough.

God places incredible blessings in our lives, and I don't know about you, but I feel so responsible to give all that I've got to give, to pour myself out until I'm empty so that I do not disappoint God, so that I make the most of those things, so that I take the best care possible of the things He's placed in my hands. But in doing so, I'm running on empty and I struggle to find time for Him. I become very aware of how desperately I need His strength and guidance, and yet I don't know how to add that to my plate.

Is that His desire? Not at all. He wants us to seek Him, to rest in Him, to run to Him, to hide in Him, so that HE can be the strength of our heart and our portion forever. Oh that I would learn to trust that again.

Is it me, or has there been a pattern with these heart-felt posts?? Ya, this is something I struggle with constantly!

overlooked

I did a lot today. I encountered a couple frustrations, quite a few amusements, and several hidden blessings. We'll focus on the blessings, which were all unplanned interactions with precious people.

It's been a long time since I've crossed the border into San Bernardino County. Most of my life used to center on those places, but now, it feels like untrodden territory. Nonetheless, having to be in Fontana in the morning for an appointment, then for a birthday party in the afternoon, left some time to be filled in the middle.

Banning always seems so far away from Riverside, so I typically only visit my grandparents there on special occasions. Sad, since most of my life, they lived in No Cal, and now, they're only 45 minutes away. But still, life gets in the way and I don't venture out there. So today, I paid them a visit. Nothing special really, but it was nice just to spend time with family. It's occurred to me recently that I need to spend more quality time with my family. They're a gift that I too often overlook. There is richness in those relationships that I've not made the time to let develop.

Then back through the desert hills to Fontana. The birthday party was fun, although Riss and I didn't know anybody there except the birthday girl's daddy (ya, not even the birthday girl)!! We met some cool strangers and got to talk about a lot of fun things. And we were the only white people to be found...I love that! On the drive home, we had the blessing (yes, the blessing) of hitting some pretty crazy traffic...at 8pm on a Saturday...what the heck!? So we're yacking it up as we coast at a rapid 2-3mph for a good hour or so. Then Riss points out that she and I never hang out together and it's cool just getting to talk.

OK, so Riss is one of my two roommates and I've known her for 8 or 9 years; we live next door to each other, eat meals together, work in the same place (and usually the same hours!), her sister is one of the closest people to me, I call her parents "Ma" and "Pops"...yet we've never really developed our own friendship. This week, we've gotten to spend one-on-ones a couple of times and it's been a real blessing...and usually pretty humorous. I've cared about the girl for a long time, and in many ways, considered her family, but I'm sad I've overlooked that friendship for so long.

So it hit me tonight - there are a lot of cool people in my life; some are strangers, some are family, and some are around me everyday. How many of them do I take for granted or overlook? Something to ponder...

P.S. It was a beautiful day today...great day to be outside in this awesome park.
P.P.S. Some of you might be excited to know that I was able to eat at the bbq, in public, like a normal person...my lip is coming back!! (More pictures coming soon...these ones will not be as graphic as the previous ones :))

emptied

So over the last year or so, I've been doing a lot of cool things for God. He's surrounded me with a lot of precious people, and I've been stretched in so many ways as I tried to learn to love them more deeply. I've poured myself out until there was nothing left. I've given all that I had, and still, I failed in so many ways. It wasn't enough; I didn't have enough to give. And this is the problem.

My intentions were good and my motives pure. My longing was to be a light, to bring them closer to Him, to show them unconditional love and compassion. I was thrilled with the chance to teach, to equip, to be a big sister to many, and simply a friend to others. All great things, yes. But the more I did them, the heavier the burden became.

While I was doing so many things for Him, I wasn't doing them with Him; I wasn't living by His strength, His wisdom, or His love, but rather, by my own, which is incredibly insufficient for all the passions inside of me. A few years ago, He was my source of all those things. At that time, the life I knew fell apart before my eyes and the ground was taken from beneath me. I knew without doubt that I had nothing left. There was nothing left in me to fix myself, to repair things, to bring any kind of happiness, to achieve things that mattered, or even to start over. I had to hand everything over to Him because, for the first time, I realized that He was all I really had; He was my only hope for feeling alive, for feeling that my life had any purpose, for becomming anything. Everything I had was insufficient. When I gave all I had, when I gave my best, it sucked. I could produce nothing worthwhile on my own, even with my best intentions and all my gifts in full swing, still, the fruit was worthless. The best I could give just created a mess. I finally discovered my desperation for Him to make me more than what I was, for I was nothing. For the first time in my life, I sought not simply to know about Him, but finally, I longed to know Him deeply, to be immersed in Him, to give Him absolutely all of me and let Him do whatever He wanted, to let go of myself completely (or as much as my selfish, stubborn nature would allow).

It was an incredible thing. All that nonsense about your joy being full, about Him pouring out of you...it was real! Not as a result of trying to become something or do something for Him, but simply as a result of chasing after Him and longing to be in His presence, I became so full. I was bubbling over and pouring into the people around me. For the first time, I had the ability to love unselfishly because He was filling me up and giving me more love than I could ever need. I had wisdom that certainly didn't come from me. And the smile...even in the middle of craziness, I had a hard time containing the joy. At moments when circumstances or individuals tore into me, still I saw Him teaching me; I felt Him wrapping His arms around me; I watched as He stretched and molded me. Even in those times, I was thankful. I could see Him moving, and it made me excited. This was what He had created me for: to know Him, to be used by Him. I was full, I was alive, my life mattered and I was able to love people in a way that changed them.

But somewhere along the way, I started carrying things in my own hands again. Life got busy, people around me had needs that blew my mind. As the burden grew, I found less time to seek His face. I wasn't seeking the Source of all that I needed; I wasn't being filled by Him, and thus, I became more and more empty, having less and less of myself to give. (In reality, there wasn't much of myself to give in the first place; what spilled out of me was all that He filled me with.)

I watched myself being emptied and felt helpless to stop it. I was terrified to let go of all I was holding. What if He didn't pick up the slack? What if He let these people that needed so much fall? What if they were broken? What if He didn't pick up the pieces? What if they lost hope? And so the weight grew heavier and the burden greater...along with the distance between me and my Source of all that I so desperately needed. My desire to give it all to Him again also grew, but how? I couldn't figure it out.

I think I knew this all along, but what it really came down to is that I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust how He would take care of people, how He would love and nurture them. I didn't trust His purposes or how He would go about them. As a result, I was trying to be in control of so many things that I had absolutely no control of. And all the while, I was losing sight of His perfect will. My vision of Him became so clouded. But the desire to give it back was still there.

A couple weeks ago, my longing to see Him again was compounded as I realized how much I wanted to trust Him again. Once again, I looked at what I had created, what I had accomplished when I gave everything I had in me. I held it up to what He had accomplished when He had everything in me. What I had was nothing. What I had was destroying me and hurting those around me...even as I gave all that I had and wanted so desperately to make a difference for Him. I needed to place at His feet what little I had left and allow Him to pick it up, to mold it, to rearrange it, to do as He would with it. I couldn't carry it any longer - this I had known for awhile. But I was to the point where I realized I didn't want to carry it any longer. I didn't want what I could produce; I only wanted what He could produce in and through me. Finally, a chance to see His face clearly again.

The last few weeks have been interesting as I learn to seek Him again. It's been awesome to walk with Him, to talk with Him, although sometimes a little awkward, like a friend you haven't seen for awhile. But He has shown me some amazing things. After trying for so long to see all the mess inside of me, in a day, He began to make the picture clearer. I began to understand things that had baffled me for some time. And as He built up my courage to let go, He encouraged me as He began to use me. Me! All the mess that I am...He wants to use me! That still baffles me. But that is the God that I serve, the God that I want to know and love deeply again.

And so the journey continues... I don't want to ask where is God in it all; I want God to be all. It's amazing when He is. I want to be emptied, not because I'm trying to bear the weight of the world on my shoulders and have nothing left, but because I'm laying it all in His hands everyday. I want to be emptied of myself, I want to be out of the way, so that He can fill me up, so that I may truly be full. I pray that we would all learn to trust Him and lay it all in His hands so we would know His fullness and never truly be empty.