Uganda Update #7

1/22/09 2:42am (PST) / 1/22/09 1:42pm (Uganda)
I haven't been completely honest in my updates. Although I have
shared a lot of our adventures, I haven't shared much of my heart at
all. I have been trying to be strong, but I think I need to be
honest.

I believe this is the hardest trip I have ever been on. I don't like
it here…not even a little bit. I've put a lot of pressure on myself
about that. I wondered if maybe my heart just wasn't prepared enough
before coming. I wondered if my heart and mind are elsewhere, which
hasn't allowed me to really be here 100%. I've wondered if maybe I've
just not been called to this place, so I need to just be ok with that,
be on my way, and let it be. I haven't been content with any of that
reasoning though. Although all of those ideas may be true in part, I
don't think that's the whole truth.

I've let little tidbits of this slip to a few on my team, but have
kept it to myself for the most part. Yesterday, though, I began
hashing it out with others. I was reminded of a few things… I have
never been in a country this "developing" or "third world". Nothing
is convenient, and nothing works as expected. Basic things like
roads, accommodations, electricity, internet, dirt and dust, and even
directions (there are no maps!) make everyday life a challenge. Add
to that the fact that there are four of us staying in probably a 10x12
foot room, stacked on top of each other, with everything constantly
covered in dust, our beds covered with mosquito nets, and using
community restrooms that are…not exactly what we're accustomed to at
home, there is not really any escape from the…lack of development.

There's more though. Interaction with people here is nothing like
what I have experienced in any other part of the world. It's easy to
interact with people, but very difficult to do so at any meaningful
level. Even the staff, who are super friendly and helpful, are very
guarded when it comes to matters of the heart. Guarded is really the
best word I can find at the moment to describe the majority of the
people we've interacted with here…at the mission house, in the
community, and in the villages. With me being such a relational
person, especially having had such success becoming part of people's
lives in other countries and cultures, it's been really hard not to be
discouraged and feel like I'm doing something wrong.

One of the mzungus (foreigners) here shed a bit more light on some
things for me though. It's so easy to forget what these people have
gone through. Just 6 short years ago, a white person walking into a
camp would have been killed. Just 3 years ago, people were still
living in fear every moment of both the LRA (the rebel army) and the
UPDF (the Ugandan government army). Both the bad guys and the good
guys were a threat to them. They were often abused by both sides.
And they couldn't trust anybody as many of their relatives and
neighbors had been abducted by the LRA and came back to murder. They
have been severely traumatized, and many have lost much. Even now,
many of them live with or near those who not too long ago caused death
or severe violence to them or someone near them. How could anybody in
those shoes be open and trusting, even to people they know, let alone
to strangers. Apart from Christ, I don't think it's possible.

We noticed a drastic difference as we visited a few camps that have a
large Christian body (the camps that had just completed or were in the
midst of the Portable Bible Schools). In those camps, the people were
a little bewildered seeing white faces, but they were friendly and
welcoming. The camps felt "warm" and hopeful. As we entered the
first camp that had not experienced that training, we noticed a huge
difference. Many on our team were even scared…they had inexplicable
instincts that the crowd could turn on us at any moment. (Come to
find out from Norma that this particular camp has begun rioting
against the mzungus in the past!) I later learned that there are very
few believers in this camp, and most of the people worship other gods.
It is amazing the difference we felt. The climate was just dark. I
couldn't figure out why we felt so uncomfortable until I learned more
about the spiritual atmosphere there. That feel, is how most of the
north felt only three years ago. Wild.

In my past experience, a wave and a smile was enough to open a heart,
and I've caught myself questioning why that doesn't seem to work here,
why people are so standoffish, why they seem so skeptical and
untrusting.

It's really me that is in the wrong… I need to be loving, gentle, and
kind, but I need to understand that they need time to develop a trust,
or even to develop a desire to develop a trust. I also need to be
more conscious of the spiritual climate. That is HUGE!

Anyways, I just wanted to be honest and share that I have been
struggling, and as I've discovered a little about why, I wanted to
share that as well. I have to be completely honest and say that I was
jealous that the rest of the team got to go home…I really didn't want
to stay another two weeks. But I know if I had left with them, I
would have quickly pushed my experiences here to the back of my mind,
slipped back into life at home, and been perfectly content to never
come back again. I know that's not where God wants me. I know He has
more to do in me on this trip. And I know that I would regret going
home and not knowing/experiencing those things He has in store.

1/24/09 2:00am (PST) / 1/24/09 1:00pm (Uganda)
You will be happy to know that the last couple days have been a bit
better for me emotionally.
I am finally starting to enjoy myself a little bit…today's the first
time I'm out in town by myself. We're on our own schedules a little
better now…So I feel less confined and frustrated! We've been hanging
out at House of Hope with the orphans and mamas the last couple days,
and that's been refreshing.

Today, we're doing a soccer camp from 2-6 and then going late to a
graduation party for one of the FOG staff…at House of Hope. It'll be
fun to see the kids again!

Tomorrow's church… I think we will go early to Gulu Bible Church
because they are doing a baptism ceremony and that should be cool to
experience. Then we want to go to KPC (Kampala Penticostal Church) to
observe the children's Sunday School programs…they're supposed to be
pretty good and we want a little insight into how they teach children
effectively here. (We're hoping to meet with the teachers for FOG
primary school next week to give them some encouragement and training
to teach more interactively and effectively. I'm hoping what we see
Sunday will give us some insight for that.)

I think we've got a birthday party to attend Sunday evening too for
the daughter of one of the FOG staff. Monday is a public holiday, so
the staff get to rest! I am hoping to spend some quality time with
some of them while they're not stressed with work. We will probably
spend more time at House of Hope as well, hanging out with the
children and the mamas.

Love you guys and hope you're doing well. Less than two weeks!

Jenelle