Long, but worth it (at least I think so!)
I had the wonderful experience yesterday of visiting with a dear friend, Cresta, who I don't get to see much (see, she lives on the other side of the world!). God blessed our conversation and encouraged both of us so much through our time together. One question she asked though really triggered some thought. What it came down to was - Do I really trust God?
I mean, in my head, I know I can. I know that He is the only explanation for so many things. I know that when I'm at my lowest points, it is Him who wraps His arms around me and gently lifts me up.
But the question came down to trusting Him in my everyday. I want so desperately for Him to break me, that I might give all of myself to Him once again, trusting Him completely, truly believing that He loves me and that all things work together for good for those He loves and has called according to His purpose (Rom 5:8), allowing Him to use me for His purposes regardless of what that means for my life.
I don't have that kind of faith. I'm afraid when I can't predict the outcome of my choices. I'm afraid that I might fail in the things He's called me to. I'm afraid that falling at His feet and allowing Him to do with my heart whatever He pleases will cause me to break in places I feel I must be strong. So when it comes down to it, no, I don't trust Him. That is heartbreaking.
But, being the faithful God He is, He had some words for me. Last night, I went to Willie's small group downtown and we read through Mark 5. There are three healings in this chapter.
In the first, Jesus casts a Legion of demons out of a crazy man and into a heard of pigs which proceed to dive off the cliff and die in the sea below. It occurred to me that Jesus was unusually calm, simply discussing options with the demons. After much pleading from them, Jesus granted them "permission" to go into the pigs. This tripped me out. Permission!? Ya, God is that sovereign - He is the boss, He is in charge, He has the final say regardless of the havoc Satan wants to wreak.
In the second two healings, it was the power of their faith that brought healing. Now, I've been reading the gospels daily for some time now, and almost each day I read, Jesus performs a miracle as a result of someone's faith. I think, "Hmm, that's cool." But that's really been the extent of my response. Last night, it hit me. "Jenelle, when you ask me to transform your heart, I know you know I can, but are you asking in faith, confident that I can and WILL do it?" Whoa! See, God wants my heart to be fully His. He would delight in my faith if I only had the courage to ask EXPECTING Him to do it! Wow...so many times in His Word, He shows us that He acts in response to our faith in Him. God, I am sorry that I have had so little faith, and merely hoped that you would work in me for Your glory. God, increase my faith!
So then I come home. I have a tendency to write verses on little scraps of paper and carry them around in my pockets. I used to do this in order to help me memorize them. Now, however, I'm not so good at that and they tend to just sit in my pocket and get wrinkled, and then they move on to the big pile of all the other ones that I wrote down and never reflected on. Well, one had fallen from the pile and was laying on my dresser last night. When I saw it, I thought, "Hmm, I bet God has something to say to me." I opened it up. Here is what I read:
Then I flipped it over and continued to read:
And He wasn't finished yet. This morning, I open up my Word, a little more convinced at this point that He does in fact intend to speak to me as I read. I flip open to my book marker, and it's the story of the Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem. Here is what jumped out at me:
But again, God showed me His faithfulness. Check it out:
I'm thinking that God is trying to show me that whatever He asks, whatever He calls me to, whatever He wants me to lay down at His feet, He is faithful and able to provide what I need and bring it all together for His good, even when it seems crazy and seems that it would leave me in a bad spot. He is faithful!
So, am I willing to have the faith I need to see His mighty hand at work? I sure hope so!
I can't wait to see what else He has to show me.
I mean, in my head, I know I can. I know that He is the only explanation for so many things. I know that when I'm at my lowest points, it is Him who wraps His arms around me and gently lifts me up.
But the question came down to trusting Him in my everyday. I want so desperately for Him to break me, that I might give all of myself to Him once again, trusting Him completely, truly believing that He loves me and that all things work together for good for those He loves and has called according to His purpose (Rom 5:8), allowing Him to use me for His purposes regardless of what that means for my life.
I don't have that kind of faith. I'm afraid when I can't predict the outcome of my choices. I'm afraid that I might fail in the things He's called me to. I'm afraid that falling at His feet and allowing Him to do with my heart whatever He pleases will cause me to break in places I feel I must be strong. So when it comes down to it, no, I don't trust Him. That is heartbreaking.
But, being the faithful God He is, He had some words for me. Last night, I went to Willie's small group downtown and we read through Mark 5. There are three healings in this chapter.
In the first, Jesus casts a Legion of demons out of a crazy man and into a heard of pigs which proceed to dive off the cliff and die in the sea below. It occurred to me that Jesus was unusually calm, simply discussing options with the demons. After much pleading from them, Jesus granted them "permission" to go into the pigs. This tripped me out. Permission!? Ya, God is that sovereign - He is the boss, He is in charge, He has the final say regardless of the havoc Satan wants to wreak.
In the second two healings, it was the power of their faith that brought healing. Now, I've been reading the gospels daily for some time now, and almost each day I read, Jesus performs a miracle as a result of someone's faith. I think, "Hmm, that's cool." But that's really been the extent of my response. Last night, it hit me. "Jenelle, when you ask me to transform your heart, I know you know I can, but are you asking in faith, confident that I can and WILL do it?" Whoa! See, God wants my heart to be fully His. He would delight in my faith if I only had the courage to ask EXPECTING Him to do it! Wow...so many times in His Word, He shows us that He acts in response to our faith in Him. God, I am sorry that I have had so little faith, and merely hoped that you would work in me for Your glory. God, increase my faith!
So then I come home. I have a tendency to write verses on little scraps of paper and carry them around in my pockets. I used to do this in order to help me memorize them. Now, however, I'm not so good at that and they tend to just sit in my pocket and get wrinkled, and then they move on to the big pile of all the other ones that I wrote down and never reflected on. Well, one had fallen from the pile and was laying on my dresser last night. When I saw it, I thought, "Hmm, I bet God has something to say to me." I opened it up. Here is what I read:
And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over... (2 Corinthians 9:8)And I'm worried that what I have won't be sufficient!?
Then I flipped it over and continued to read:
Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full - pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. (Luke 6:38)Again, a promise that what He has is more than sufficient for what I need. When I've read this in the past, I've often thought of material things. This time, however, God laid it on my heart that He was talking about my heart, about my life. He wants all of it, laid down as an offering for Him. What if I lay it all down, what will I have to offer to those around me, to the tasks to which He's called me? According to His Word, much more than I began with! For the amount that I give will determine the amount that I get back!! What a promise, that if I give Him every ounce of me, He will give me what I need to do what He has called me to do.
And He wasn't finished yet. This morning, I open up my Word, a little more convinced at this point that He does in fact intend to speak to me as I read. I flip open to my book marker, and it's the story of the Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem. Here is what jumped out at me:
...Jesus sent out two of his disciples, saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, 'Why are you doing this?' tell him, "The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly." (Mark 11:1-3)Go STEAL a donkey!? What the heck!? Would I have the courage to do something that seems so absurd and inappropriate? And, by the way, that's a great comeback, huh!? Anyone would be cool with that explanation! Right...
But again, God showed me His faithfulness. Check it out:
They went and found a colt outside in the street, tied at the doorway. As they untied it, some people standing there asked, "What are you doing untying that colt?" They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go. (Mark 11:4-6)Because, you know, most people who caught you stealing would be perfectly comfortable with that response and would just let you go! Uh...or maybe God is sovereign and can move the hearts, minds, and behavior of others in order to fulfill His purposes and promises to His people. Hmm...
I'm thinking that God is trying to show me that whatever He asks, whatever He calls me to, whatever He wants me to lay down at His feet, He is faithful and able to provide what I need and bring it all together for His good, even when it seems crazy and seems that it would leave me in a bad spot. He is faithful!
So, am I willing to have the faith I need to see His mighty hand at work? I sure hope so!
I can't wait to see what else He has to show me.
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