a startling realization
Those who know me well, no doubt know these two things:
- I love meaningful time spent with people. It is not uncommon for me to give up hours a day to conversations. In fact, meaningful conversations that challenge, inspire, enlighten, or develop authenticity probably drive me more than much else in life.
- I hate grading, planning, and other tedious tasks. I love going deeper with people. These tasks do not line up with that passion. On the contrary, they force me to neglect #1.
This morning, I was in the midst of planning out some of these dreaded tasks - scanning papers, creating a grading rubric, trying to narrow down to the minute how long it would take to grade these darned narrative paragraphs - when the Lord thankfully took my mind captive for a moment.
I have always struggled with consistently setting aside time fully focused and devoted to God. I've used the fact that I am a night person to justify not having a quiet time in the morning. Yet by the time I finish my tasks in the evening (or early morning, whatever you want to call it), my eyelids are rarely willing to go along with these intended quiet times. I lost hope for that years ago. So I've fought for mornings. Unfortunately, I wake up with so many things on my mind - the unfinished tasks from the previous night, all the ungraded papers, the unplanned classes that lay just hours ahead of me, the day's meetings that I'm not prepared for, the disaster that I call my room, small group and worship leading that I need to get my heart and mind prepared for - and suddenly, the thought of being still with the Lord causes a great deal of tension in my mind. To fight this, I try to set a small goal for that time - find a verse that will help me or someone else through the day, pray for someone I've committed to pray for, learn something I didn't know before, etc. Hmm...I don't think this is how God desires for me to spend time with Him.
The question He raised in my mind this morning was this: When I talk to people, do I set goals? Or do I just share my heart, hoping to see more of theirs, and seeking means of mutual encouragement? I just talk! When a conversation presents itself, I immediately set aside all the tasks of the day, all my preoccupation, and I throw my whole heart into seeing the other person's heart and letting them see mine. Nearly every time I do so, I walk away feeling encouraged, I've discovered new insights, I've been challenged, and I believe that the other person often feels the same. Only after I walk away (usually an hour or more later) do I remember all the responsibilities on my shoulders. I may feel slightly more stressed, but I feel refreshed and inspired and I'm ready to leap into that task.
On the contrary, when I must deal with one of the many tedious tasks of life, I have to prepare myself for it. I lay each piece of the project out before me. I evaluate what must be done and how to do it most effectively. I even try to calculate how much time it should take. Then I drudgingly begin, chasing after every distraction or less daunting task that presents itself along the way, inevitably lengthening my time calculations and causing the task to span over endless days, weeks, and sometimes months.
Sadly, when I consider those two distinct functions in my life, if I had to put my time with the Lord in one of those categories, it would be the latter, not the former. Why is that? I crave relationship with Him, not knowledge, not goals. Have I been programmed to seek accomplishments rather than just Him? No wonder it has been so difficult to seek after Him each day.
Lord, I pray that I would truly recognize that you are not a task, not a goal, not something to be checked off the to-do list, not even something to add knowledge, insight or purpose to my life. You are the ultimate in relationships. Lord, help me to invest myself in knowing you with a passion that far outweighs my passion for people. Help me to sit down with you just to hear Your heart and share mine. I know that I know how; I do it with people everyday. Lord, teach me to do it with you.
I have always struggled with consistently setting aside time fully focused and devoted to God. I've used the fact that I am a night person to justify not having a quiet time in the morning. Yet by the time I finish my tasks in the evening (or early morning, whatever you want to call it), my eyelids are rarely willing to go along with these intended quiet times. I lost hope for that years ago. So I've fought for mornings. Unfortunately, I wake up with so many things on my mind - the unfinished tasks from the previous night, all the ungraded papers, the unplanned classes that lay just hours ahead of me, the day's meetings that I'm not prepared for, the disaster that I call my room, small group and worship leading that I need to get my heart and mind prepared for - and suddenly, the thought of being still with the Lord causes a great deal of tension in my mind. To fight this, I try to set a small goal for that time - find a verse that will help me or someone else through the day, pray for someone I've committed to pray for, learn something I didn't know before, etc. Hmm...I don't think this is how God desires for me to spend time with Him.
The question He raised in my mind this morning was this: When I talk to people, do I set goals? Or do I just share my heart, hoping to see more of theirs, and seeking means of mutual encouragement? I just talk! When a conversation presents itself, I immediately set aside all the tasks of the day, all my preoccupation, and I throw my whole heart into seeing the other person's heart and letting them see mine. Nearly every time I do so, I walk away feeling encouraged, I've discovered new insights, I've been challenged, and I believe that the other person often feels the same. Only after I walk away (usually an hour or more later) do I remember all the responsibilities on my shoulders. I may feel slightly more stressed, but I feel refreshed and inspired and I'm ready to leap into that task.
On the contrary, when I must deal with one of the many tedious tasks of life, I have to prepare myself for it. I lay each piece of the project out before me. I evaluate what must be done and how to do it most effectively. I even try to calculate how much time it should take. Then I drudgingly begin, chasing after every distraction or less daunting task that presents itself along the way, inevitably lengthening my time calculations and causing the task to span over endless days, weeks, and sometimes months.
Sadly, when I consider those two distinct functions in my life, if I had to put my time with the Lord in one of those categories, it would be the latter, not the former. Why is that? I crave relationship with Him, not knowledge, not goals. Have I been programmed to seek accomplishments rather than just Him? No wonder it has been so difficult to seek after Him each day.
Lord, I pray that I would truly recognize that you are not a task, not a goal, not something to be checked off the to-do list, not even something to add knowledge, insight or purpose to my life. You are the ultimate in relationships. Lord, help me to invest myself in knowing you with a passion that far outweighs my passion for people. Help me to sit down with you just to hear Your heart and share mine. I know that I know how; I do it with people everyday. Lord, teach me to do it with you.
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