living a little more or dying a little bit

Each moment of our existence, we are either growing into more or retreating into less. We are either living a little more or dying a little bit. ( Brennan Manning - The Ragamuffin Gospel)

It's interesting that the word "retreating" is used. I checked out dictionary.com, one of my new favorite websites, and found these definitions:

re·treat /riˈtrit/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ree-treet]

1. The act or process of withdrawing into safety or privacy, especially from something hazardous, formidable, or unpleasant.
2. The process of going backward or receding from a position of condition gained.
3. A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude.
4. An asylum, as for the insane
5. Pull back or move away or backward
6. Move back
7. Make a retreat from an earlier commitment or activity

I especially like #4, but somehow feel its relevance here is lacking. So we'll focus on the others. When I think of retreating, I think of running away or moving backwards, especially within the context of this quote and how I live my life. Now, there is a positive form of retreat. It is necessary to step back from life, to enjoy solitude, to withdraw...sometimes. There are healthy ways of doing this. In fact, it is commanded that we do it...once a week, take a day of rest.

I fail to do this most of the time. I retreat, but not good retreat. I spend so much of my time from day-to-day retreating (a.k.a. running away, hiding, moving back from responsibilities). Then all of those responsibilities still remain when it comes time to truly retreat. So, I think I accurately fit the mold for retreating into less.

This has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I finish so many days and feel it's been wasted. A little time doing this, a little time doing that, adds up to a whole bunch of time doing nothing that matters. Guilt over that weighs on me almost daily, but I've never been able to state it so precisely. I have spent far too much time retreating into less. I want to spend each moment of my existence growing into more. I want to be intentional with each moment. I want my little things - little choices about my time, about my priorities, etc. - to be edifying, to cause growth, in myself and others.

God, help me to be intentional. Teach me to grow into more...to live a little more each moment of my life. Help me not to be dead although I live.