A Day in the Life of DuaLeo

Uganda Update #8

2009-01-28T23:38:00.001-08:00

1/28/09 9:20am (PST) / 1/28/09 8:20pm (Uganda)
About a year ago, we were given brief biographies of each of the
full-time staff at Favor of God. I read through them trying to find a
female staff member that I might be able to connect with, in praying
for her and possibly keeping in touch through email or letters. As I
read all the bios, I felt I wouldn't be able to relate to most of the
women. I'm not sure why; I just didn't think I would have anything in
common with them. One bio stood out to me though. This woman was
responsible for several administrative aspects at FOG. I'm not sure
what it was about her, but I just sensed that we might be able to
relate to each other.

I pondered on that for a few days, but as is typical for me, I got
distracted and lost that idea somewhere in the back of my mind. So
here we are a year later and I am on the ground at FOG. I've spent
time with many of the staff and have enjoyed learning about their
ministries and a little about their stories. It's been hard, though,
for me to connect with the women. They are super friendly and very
helpful, but there is just something there that makes our interactions
seem a little forced and unnatural…except for one.

From the first time I met Judith, there was something about her that
was drawing me to her…something I respected, something I felt I could
relate to. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I talked to her one
day and shared that I would really like to spend some time with her
throughout my stay…observing her, asking questions about the ministry,
learning about her, learning from her. As she responded, I could tell
she felt the same way about me. She thought that was exactly what we
needed to do. As I shared with her, it triggered something in my
mind, and I suddenly realized this is the one who had stood out to me
a year ago as I prayed through the faces and the stories of the FOG
staff. I didn't know a year ago, and I still didn't know what this
pull was that I was sensing, but I was certain Judith and I needed to
spend some time together.

Throughout the trip, our schedules haven't really worked together.
While the team was here, I was running every which way, and when they
left, Judith left with them! I was really bummed that she was gone.
She returned yesterday though, which I didn't find out until later in
the afternoon, so I was hoping to connect with her today. As I walked
outside to find someone else yesterday afternoon, Judith caught me!
We were both very excited to see each other. We began talking and
couldn't stop.

What began as just a discussion about the schedule for the rest of
Charissa and my time here, became a passionate discussion about the
desperate needs of this country and culture. Our hearts resonated
together on so many points. As we talked, we began to revive in each
other passions that I know God has placed in both of us.

We talked about the school. The new school year begins on February
2nd. There is much to be done in Uganda in the area of education.
Another wise woman shared with me last week that this country will
never truly change without 1) Christ and 2) education.

Without real education, the people continue making decisions based on
false and faulty information which propels them on in the broken state
that they are in, and at times, even worsens the situation. The
greatest problem with education here is that students are often passed
without learning a thing, because it is easier to pass the problems on
to the next teacher instead of dealing with them.

Another, perhaps more tragic, problem is that very little is taught in
the area of critical thinking. Students are spoon-fed information,
and then given a test where they're asked to regurgitate that
memorized information, without ever being asked to process it, use it
in any practical sense, or even understand it. Many students complete
school here without any real skills. They apply for jobs and are
hired based on their diplomas, yet they are incapable of doing the
jobs. Many who get into the universities have no idea what's going on
because they've never been challenged to think before.

Favor of God has started a primary school to combat this. Their
vision is that the FOG primary school would stand out as a school that
holds to firm standards, a school whose graduates are actually
well-equipped and prepared for university, for employment, and for
life. Their desire is that their graduates would make a difference
for the Kingdom, for the nation, and for the community.

Unfortunately, although they've set and held to strict standards in
their first year and have a remarkable vision, they continue to use
many of the same methods of teaching that have been used
unsuccessfully for as long as anyone can remember. The good news is
that the principal and the teachers seem open to new ideas and
strategies, and they really seem passionate about genuinely equipping
these students.

On Saturday, they will have their annual teacher's meeting before the
year begins on Monday. Charissa and I have been invited to
participate in this meeting. After all the business is dealt with,
we've been given the open door to teach them anything we believe is
relevant. They are also preparing to share with us many of the
challenges and difficulties they have had in teaching.

I've been excited about this opportunity since before the trip simply
because that is what Riss and I do and I was hoping to be of some kind
of use while we were here, so I was more excited when something
finally got set in stone. After talking to Judith yesterday though,
my heart is so burdened for the students, heavy that they would
actually learn, grow, and be changed in this school.

So many of the ways of life here are so far from what the Bible
teaches and so destructive. I was beginning to wonder if it was just
cultural differences that I need to suck up and deal with, or if these
things I'm seeing are truly wrong and need to be changed. I asked
Judith because I don't want to challenge culture, but I do want to see
lives changed for the better. She completely agreed with me, that
although these things are a part of the culture here, they are, in
fact, very destructive, and that the people need to learn the ways of
God if there is ever to be any true hope of healing and change.

I think most would agree that societal change must involve the
children. Behavior must change. Mindsets must change. Attitudes
must change. Values must change. These children will become the
leaders of the nation. But how can we change the children? As I
realized how many children there are and how impossible it would be to
reach each one directly, I became a bit discouraged. But then I
realized that if the mamas and teachers were taught and built up, they
could impact countless children.

I began to see FOG school as a beacon of hope for this nation. It
sounds wild, but really. Their ministry already shines so brightly in
the north. I don't believe there's a soul in the area that doesn't
know of FOG, which is pretty amazing considering the vast number of
NGOs up here. But FOG is different. They stand out. I absolutely
believe their school will stand out; it already does to the
immediately surrounding community. What's really going to make it
stand out though is the quality of the education and the passion of
the teachers for their students. If those things are truly different
than the other schools, the enrollment at FOG school will increase,
which means more children will be impacted, not only academically, but
spiritually and emotionally. But the teachers must truly know how to
educate the students, not just get them to the next grade. (This
school, by the way, is where all the orphaned children from the House
of Hope attend.)

Another vision I had was of FOG school becoming a training hub for
other teachers. If their students' performance, attitudes, and
lifestyles begin to stand out to the community, to the high schools,
to the universities, my hope is that other schools would seek their
counsel and training in improving their own educational techniques and
strategies. Again, this has been seen in other areas of ministry
within FOG. I believe it could also happen in the schools.

I'm not sure if I've communicated all of this clearly, but here is my
request from you… Pray!!! Pray for our time on Saturday. I know
that God has ordained this time, but I have no idea what we're going
to share with these teachers! I know that we need to share our
passion and our hearts with them. I know they need to be challenged
and encouraged in taking their students to deeper levels of learning
including processing and using the information they're memorizing, in
critical thinking, in personal and character growth. I also know that
very few, if any, interactive teaching methods are used. Currently,
the teachers lecture, and the students listen and memorize. We would
like to introduce some new techniques.

We want to be sure to respect and appreciate the knowledge and
experience that these teachers have. We want to present ourselves as
colleagues, as brothers and sisters in Christ, not as experts. I pray
that we would honor them as we attempt to challenge them. I pray that
they would be open-minded and interested. I also pray that we would
learn from them.

I have one additional concern for the school. They have added two
more grade levels for this academic year (which will put them at
Kindergarten thru 6th grade). They are still short a couple
classrooms because they have been short on funding. They have secured
land and have built a structure containing 5 new classrooms. They got
the funds to complete one of those classrooms. They need to complete
at least one more before Monday. The total cost to complete the
building and make it ready for use is a mere $6,000, but the demands
on FOG have been high, and the financial support has not matched that.
They are being stretched thin in all areas of the ministry.
Preparing the school is one of the greatest needs though. $6,000
would have the school ready to go when the students arrive on Monday
(all the furniture is already available). This would not include the
new teachers' salaries, but it would at least have the facilities in
place. As far as the teachers' salaries go, there are 12 and they
each get paid about $130/month (PER MONTH!!). It would be such a
small sacrifice for us in the States to help provide for this school.

I'm wondering if any of you have a burden for the FOG school. I know
I do. I am anxious to see what God will do through this school and
these teachers, and in time, through the students who have graduated
from this school. If you feel a burden for this school, I ask that
you would consider a one-time gift that would help complete the $6,000
of construction or perhaps even a monthly gift that would help to
provide for the teacher's salaries. This burden has been so heavy on
my heart that I couldn't help but share it with you and ask you to
join us in this vision, especially with the need being so urgent with
school starting in less than a week.

If you are interested in supporting this vision, you can give directly
online at http://favorofgod.org/donate/. You can also mail checks to
Favor of God, P.O. Box 4562, Riverside, CA 92514. Be sure to include
a note that it is for the FOG primary school.

My conversation with Judith sparked some other exciting things…I will
have to share those later! ;)

Thank you guys for all your encouragement and prayer. P.S. So many
of you have sent encouraging emails over the last several days, and I
know there are many I don't even know of that are praying. Keep it
up! It's working. Yes, I am still anxious to come home, but I am
actually thinking I am going to miss this place! That's huge. I had
several encourage me to let go…of expectations, demands, and pressure
that I'd placed on myself. I think to a large degree, God has helped
me to do that and to just go with it. The weight I felt on my
shoulders has lightened, I'm getting more comfortable and confident
moving around town and getting involved in different things, and I'm
connecting with people a little better than I was…all because I let go
of the pressure! He's allowed me to be a part of conversations that
have brought out my passions and my gifts, and I feel like He's
allowing me to use those a bit to help FOG and encourage people here.
God has also been reminding me to be in prayer as I move through the
town and participate in different activities. Pray that I would
remember to do that, and that as I do, He would open my eyes to what
HE sees.

Love you guys!

Jenelle

P.S. Attached is a picture of the new building at the FOG school.

P.P.S. Just a heads up on what I'll be up to today… I'll probably be
working with Judith most of the day on some administrative stuff –
organizing some information that we can use when we get back to the
States to help with the ministry here. I'll also be attending a Bible
study across the street at another orphanage. One of the mamas there
is learning to lead the other mamas in Bible study. It's pretty cool.
We got to meet with her earlier this week to help her prepare. Her
name is Christine if you'd like to pray for her. This evening,
hopefully I'll get back over to House of Hope to spend more time with
the kids and mamas.

Uganda Update #7

2009-01-24T02:10:00.001-08:00

1/22/09 2:42am (PST) / 1/22/09 1:42pm (Uganda)
I haven't been completely honest in my updates. Although I have
shared a lot of our adventures, I haven't shared much of my heart at
all. I have been trying to be strong, but I think I need to be
honest.

I believe this is the hardest trip I have ever been on. I don't like
it here…not even a little bit. I've put a lot of pressure on myself
about that. I wondered if maybe my heart just wasn't prepared enough
before coming. I wondered if my heart and mind are elsewhere, which
hasn't allowed me to really be here 100%. I've wondered if maybe I've
just not been called to this place, so I need to just be ok with that,
be on my way, and let it be. I haven't been content with any of that
reasoning though. Although all of those ideas may be true in part, I
don't think that's the whole truth.

I've let little tidbits of this slip to a few on my team, but have
kept it to myself for the most part. Yesterday, though, I began
hashing it out with others. I was reminded of a few things… I have
never been in a country this "developing" or "third world". Nothing
is convenient, and nothing works as expected. Basic things like
roads, accommodations, electricity, internet, dirt and dust, and even
directions (there are no maps!) make everyday life a challenge. Add
to that the fact that there are four of us staying in probably a 10x12
foot room, stacked on top of each other, with everything constantly
covered in dust, our beds covered with mosquito nets, and using
community restrooms that are…not exactly what we're accustomed to at
home, there is not really any escape from the…lack of development.

There's more though. Interaction with people here is nothing like
what I have experienced in any other part of the world. It's easy to
interact with people, but very difficult to do so at any meaningful
level. Even the staff, who are super friendly and helpful, are very
guarded when it comes to matters of the heart. Guarded is really the
best word I can find at the moment to describe the majority of the
people we've interacted with here…at the mission house, in the
community, and in the villages. With me being such a relational
person, especially having had such success becoming part of people's
lives in other countries and cultures, it's been really hard not to be
discouraged and feel like I'm doing something wrong.

One of the mzungus (foreigners) here shed a bit more light on some
things for me though. It's so easy to forget what these people have
gone through. Just 6 short years ago, a white person walking into a
camp would have been killed. Just 3 years ago, people were still
living in fear every moment of both the LRA (the rebel army) and the
UPDF (the Ugandan government army). Both the bad guys and the good
guys were a threat to them. They were often abused by both sides.
And they couldn't trust anybody as many of their relatives and
neighbors had been abducted by the LRA and came back to murder. They
have been severely traumatized, and many have lost much. Even now,
many of them live with or near those who not too long ago caused death
or severe violence to them or someone near them. How could anybody in
those shoes be open and trusting, even to people they know, let alone
to strangers. Apart from Christ, I don't think it's possible.

We noticed a drastic difference as we visited a few camps that have a
large Christian body (the camps that had just completed or were in the
midst of the Portable Bible Schools). In those camps, the people were
a little bewildered seeing white faces, but they were friendly and
welcoming. The camps felt "warm" and hopeful. As we entered the
first camp that had not experienced that training, we noticed a huge
difference. Many on our team were even scared…they had inexplicable
instincts that the crowd could turn on us at any moment. (Come to
find out from Norma that this particular camp has begun rioting
against the mzungus in the past!) I later learned that there are very
few believers in this camp, and most of the people worship other gods.
It is amazing the difference we felt. The climate was just dark. I
couldn't figure out why we felt so uncomfortable until I learned more
about the spiritual atmosphere there. That feel, is how most of the
north felt only three years ago. Wild.

In my past experience, a wave and a smile was enough to open a heart,
and I've caught myself questioning why that doesn't seem to work here,
why people are so standoffish, why they seem so skeptical and
untrusting.

It's really me that is in the wrong… I need to be loving, gentle, and
kind, but I need to understand that they need time to develop a trust,
or even to develop a desire to develop a trust. I also need to be
more conscious of the spiritual climate. That is HUGE!

Anyways, I just wanted to be honest and share that I have been
struggling, and as I've discovered a little about why, I wanted to
share that as well. I have to be completely honest and say that I was
jealous that the rest of the team got to go home…I really didn't want
to stay another two weeks. But I know if I had left with them, I
would have quickly pushed my experiences here to the back of my mind,
slipped back into life at home, and been perfectly content to never
come back again. I know that's not where God wants me. I know He has
more to do in me on this trip. And I know that I would regret going
home and not knowing/experiencing those things He has in store.

1/24/09 2:00am (PST) / 1/24/09 1:00pm (Uganda)
You will be happy to know that the last couple days have been a bit
better for me emotionally.
I am finally starting to enjoy myself a little bit…today's the first
time I'm out in town by myself. We're on our own schedules a little
better now…So I feel less confined and frustrated! We've been hanging
out at House of Hope with the orphans and mamas the last couple days,
and that's been refreshing.

Today, we're doing a soccer camp from 2-6 and then going late to a
graduation party for one of the FOG staff…at House of Hope. It'll be
fun to see the kids again!

Tomorrow's church… I think we will go early to Gulu Bible Church
because they are doing a baptism ceremony and that should be cool to
experience. Then we want to go to KPC (Kampala Penticostal Church) to
observe the children's Sunday School programs…they're supposed to be
pretty good and we want a little insight into how they teach children
effectively here. (We're hoping to meet with the teachers for FOG
primary school next week to give them some encouragement and training
to teach more interactively and effectively. I'm hoping what we see
Sunday will give us some insight for that.)

I think we've got a birthday party to attend Sunday evening too for
the daughter of one of the FOG staff. Monday is a public holiday, so
the staff get to rest! I am hoping to spend some quality time with
some of them while they're not stressed with work. We will probably
spend more time at House of Hope as well, hanging out with the
children and the mamas.

Love you guys and hope you're doing well. Less than two weeks!

Jenelle

Uganda Update #6

2009-01-21T02:36:00.000-08:00

1/18/09 7:40am (PST) / 1/18/09 6:40pm (Uganda)
Well, it has been a couple days since I have written. The internet
hasn't been working (surprise!) and I've been fighting a nasty cold,
so I've been trying to rest whenever I get a chance. Took a nice nap
today. ;) Although, it was flaming hot out, with no breeze! The
sweat running down my face was so soothing! Ha! But the sleep was
good.

So, I believe I need to catch you up on a few big days from last week
still. Here goes…

1/20/09 5:30am (PST) / 1/20/09 4:30pm (Uganda)
Well, as often happens here, I got interrupted and had to head out for
the day right as I began to write before. So, let me try again… I
have 30 minutes until the internet café closes, and currently, there
is no internet connection! Gotta love it!!! ;)

Wednesday 1/14
On Wednesday, we headed out to a couple more camps. Our first drive
took about 5 hours. We got lost on the way to the camp, so it took a
little longer than hoped. It was a quite bumpy ride too!

When we arrived in the first camp, our purpose was to observe and take
pictures at the Portable Bible School (PBS) that was taking place.
The room where they were meeting was packed full. All the seats were
full and there were several sitting on the floor in the back. Come to
find out afterwards that this was actually a really low attendance
day. See, Wednesday is market day. It is the only day that people
are able to sell or buy goods at the market. So at least half the
students were gone. I can't imagine what that room must look like
when they're all there. There were two teachers – one teaching and
one translating. They always deliver the teaching/preaching in
English and in the native language of the people. It looked like some
pretty intense stuff.

When FOG puts on these PBS's, they run for two months. Each student
attends for 6 hours/day, 5 days/week. They are given tests regularly.
If they "pass", they are awarded a certificate and a Bible. It's
pretty cool. The Bibles are expensive and often hard to come by, so
FOG does not just give them to anyone. They only give them to those
who have had proper training on how to use it. It's amazing to me
that these people are so hungry for truth. I mean, really, how many
of us would jump at the opportunity to sit in class for thirty hours a
week and gain nothing except a certificate and a Bible – at least
nothing tangible. These people see hope in the gospel of Christ
though, so much so that they believe it will change their lives to be
in these PBS's. That is amazing to me.

We stayed at this camp only briefly, probably less than an hour, so we
weren't able to talk to any of the students or teachers (We didn't
want to interrupt their learning.). However, before we left, Godfrey
decided he needed to buy a chicken. Why such a pressing need…so many
hours away from 'home'!? I have no idea! I'm pretty sure there are
chickens in Gulu! Nonetheless, he bought one. This was not a dead
chicken, but a live one…in a little plastic shopping bag. She sat in
the back of the van (the bumpiest part of the car) with Blair and
Steven the whole rest of our journey…and what a journey it became with
the addition of a chicken! We were probably in the car at least 4 or
5 more hours that day…and Blair and Steven were having…well, 'fun'
might not be the right word, but I was amused! Let's just say that
there was a lot of screaming, laughing, petting, feeding, and even
seat-belting in that took place over the next several hours! Blair
definitely did some bonding. You can imagine how she felt the next
day when she found out the chicken was in Godfrey's fridge! Sad day…

So from the first camp, we went (chicken in tow) to another camp about
an hour away. At this camp, a PBS had been completed previously, and
the graduates were anxiously awaiting their Bibles. We had another
ceremony, and distributed well over 100 Bibles this time. Again,
there was much cheering. I think my favorite part, though, was
immediately after the ceremony.

The interior walls of the church are pretty low, and there is about a
foot gap between the top of the wall and the thatch roof. I peeked
over, just out of curiosity. There were cute kids peeping in, and I
thought I might be able to get some cute pictures. I was surprised
instead to find an older man sitting up against the wall. He was one
of the grads who had just received his first Bible ever. He was
sitting there, completely oblivious to the rest of the world, with His
new Bible open to the first page of Genesis. He had read half of the
first column and was tracing each word with his finger as he read
aloud to himself. He couldn't even wait to walk home, he had to begin
reading as soon as possible. I could sense his hunger for the living
Word of God as though it was my own. That is one of the most precious
things I have ever witnessed.

Later, when I was standing outside the church, several of the older
women were coming over to hug me. One of them was quite excited. The
women here do this interesting hooting and hollering when they get
exciting, particularly when they are worshipping God. It's akin to
the Indian sound affect children make by screaming and patting their
lips when playing cowboys and Indians. So this women is holding my
hand, jumping, and hooting. She keeps looking at me as though she
wants some kind of approval. Finally, I decided she must want me to
participate. But look so silly in front of the whole village!?!? I
was a little unsure about it. After several attempts though, I
decided I should try to appease her, so I gave in. I threw out one
little hoot. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she wanted more! So she
began dragging me through the camp running and skipping. Rather than
sliding behind her in the dirt, I began skipping alongside her and we
hooted throughout the camp. EVERYONE was quite amused. We developed
quite a fan club in our few moments of madness.

After that, we were back in the van for another few hours…bumping
along the entire way. Several of the sky pictures I sent were from
that drive home…although, I have taken several in the morning,
afternoon, and evening each day we've been here. It's been beautiful.

I think I have to leave you with that for now. I will share more
about the some of our other adventures when I get a chance. Thanks
again for your continued prayer and encouragement. Remember to keep
Rob, Leah, Abel, Marcus, and Happiness in prayer over the next couple
days as they finish their time here and travel home. Also, pray for
wisdom and discernment for Riss and I as we figure out how to best
spend the rest of our time here.

There are a few possible things on the table for me. I have met the
head teacher and four of the other teachers from the FOG school. I am
hoping to meet with all of them a couple times next week for some
teaching workshops and to get some of their testimonies. They were
really curious and anxious to learn some of the things we do in the
States, and would really like some tips and tricks to teach English
more effectively. I'm looking forward to our time with them. They
seemed really sweet and really want the best for their students.

Also, one of the pastors here has asked me if I would be willing to
speak at their upcoming youth conference. I think this is a pretty
big thing. It's the annual conference and they invite all the youth
from the entire district and beyond. The theme of the conference is
"Living the Victorious Life". I don't really feel like I'm in the
right place to be sharing with them, yet I feel like God may be
telling me to do it anyways and walk in faith that He will give me the
right words. So, I would love for you to pray for discernment in that
specifically.

Also, I've been helping a couple of the staff with their English.
That's been a lot of fun! Martine, one of my favorites, is studying
EXACTLY what I teach at home! It's been fun helping him to understand
verb tenses! I never thought I'd say that!! ;) Martine has an
amazing story… I will try to share it sometime.

One thing that's been on my heart since we got here is to spend more
time with the staff and others in the area getting more of their
testimonies of how God has worked in and around them. We have done a
lot of video, but most of it has been overviews and details of the
different ministry areas within Favor of God. Pray for favor and
timing as I try to have some more personal conversations with the
staff in order to share those stories as an encouragement to you and
others.

Other than that, our time is open, and there are a MILLION things we
could be doing each day. I have a tendency to freeze up and do
nothing when I don't feel like I can make the "best" choice, so pray
that Riss and I would step out in confidence each day and be
intentional wherever we end up. And pray for God's CLEAR guidance if
there are specific places we need to be or conversations we need to
have.

Thanks for reading! Blessings!!!
Jenelle

Uganda Update from Riss

2009-01-20T06:05:00.001-08:00

This is from Riss. I thought several of you would be interested in
hearing from her. I'm working on one, but have run out of time at the
internet cafe! Hopefully I'll be able to send another one soon!
Thanks for your continued prayers!

Jenelle

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Charissa Six <riss_dawn@yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, Jan 20, 2009 at 5:47 AM
Subject: update

Hey,

I wanted to say "Sorry" as I have just been told that I am slacking in
my amount of story-telling e-mails. I will try to make up for it a
little bit right now. =D

A few things first though, I want you to know that I just got my first
mosquito bite. This is actually a welcomed bite as I was expecting to
be fighting them off the entire time I was here. But I haven't been
and still don't. Rest assured that although I'm happy with the one,
that's enough for me. So, the DEET is going to be layered on a little
bit more often.

So, ya, pictures are definitely going to be delayed until I get home.
I would totally send some now but I don't have a camera and if I did,
I don't have a flash drive to attach the pics to an e-mail. Bummer. =D
Can you imagine me smiling a huge smile and riding on dusty bumpy
roads in a 12-passenger van? If so, that's a pretty general picture of
something that happens every day.

Yesterday I had the thrill of a lifetime. I got to play soccer with
Ugandans. Not only that, but I was the only woman on the field!! Yeah,
that's pretty cool. There was a team of people at an IDP camp that was
doing trauma counseling. As a part of the ministry, for fellowship and
encouragement, that team had asked Favor of God to play a match
against the men that lived at the camp. Since I love the sport and the
guys were willing, I got to play the first half with them. So I
played, but I didn't have cleats and the field was not exactly what I
would call flat. Nonetheless, I played and still have a smile in my
heart. We lost 2-1. Not bad for a bunch of men who "haven't played in
years" and had never played together. I think our team leader,
Godfrey, is a little dissatisfied with the outcome. =D Sounds like
he's rounding up some more players for next time . . . which may be in
a few days.

I think the best part was the uniforms. Do you remember when I told
you about the soccer donations? Do you recall that I got a large bag
full of complete uniforms? Well, they just became the official
uniforms of Team Favor!! I had the honor of wearing one myself and
taking a team photo with the guys just before the game. What an honor
and a blessing it was to see the full circle of generosity and giving.
From the point of receiving them to looking around the field and
seeing my Ugandan teammates wearing them proudly, I was blessed and
overwhelmed.

I hope you are doing well these days. I will be in touch again soon.
Please let me know what you've been up to as well. I love hearing
about it. Definitely.

Much Love and Peace,

Riss

--
http://dualeoday.blogspot.com/

"Time spent in prayer will yield more than time given to work. Only
prayer gives work its worth and its success." ~Andrew Murray

"Prayer does not equip us for greater works— prayer is the greater
work." ~Oswald Chambers

Uganda Sky

2009-01-20T04:25:00.001-08:00

I have not had time to write much, but I wanted to share this. It is
a collage of pictures I took of the Ugandan sky the first week of our
trip. Why is it so beautiful? I don't know! But praise God! ;)

Things are going well. I guess one of the greatest prayer requests I
have at the moment is that God would guide and direct the steps of
Charissa and I the last couple weeks of our trip. There are about a
million things we could do each day with Favor of God as there are so
many departments and so many minisitries going on. We need wisdom to
know where our time will best be spent...where we can be a blessing,
where we can be used, and where we can interact with people in a
meaningful way.

As we make decisions and plans, they are sure not to work out 70% of
the time!!! Please pray for patience, grace, and just that we would
take the initiative and get ourselves places when the plans and
transportation set up for us fall through.

The team only has one more full day on the ground. They will leave
EARLY Thursday morning. Please pray for their last day and for their
travels.

Also, I am having a hard time focusing. Pray that I would be able to
focus on the things that are right here in front of me and be fully
here!

Thank you!!
Jenelle

Uganda Update #5.5 (from Leah's eyes)

2009-01-16T09:39:00.001-08:00

This is an update from Leah on my team. Several of you have asked
about her, Rob, and their baby, Abel. I thought you might enjoy
hearing her thoughts of the trip so far...

Jenelle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello Everyone,

It has been good here in Gulu.

The good stuff:

1. I love being able to get to know the staff. They are awesome.
They challenge me with their worship, love, hospitality, and outreach.

2. We are filming interviews of different people on staff in charge of
the various ministries. It is so exciting to hear their visions and
the impact they are having. I have heard about these ministries for
so long but now I feel like I have a better understanding and can see
how they are actually being carried out.

3. I am blown away by Favor of God Ministries, the stories I've heard,
how much they love, how much they sacrifice, how much they trust God,
how the community and government looks to and respects them. It's
incredible and such an honor to be a part of.

4. Now Ugandans have the kind of music you can dance to! Actually,
you can't help but dance. I love worshipping with this culture.

5. The House of Hope Children's Home is a place of peace. We went
there last night, and I felt so refreshed. Those kids and house mamas
really know how to have fun. Also, it truly is a home for these kids
to experience childhood, be loved, and grow in the Lord. I am so
proud of this part of Favor of God.

6. Abel is enjoying the many new people. Everyone LOVES him and can't
get enough. He is doing really well.

7. Wow, it's amazing to see Rob with the Favor of God staff. They
love him, and he fits right in. I think this is my favorite part of
everything. We would have never ever thought up this job for him 2
years ago. He is perfect for this job and does it so well. He
interacts with all the Ugandans as if they were his best friends. I
don't think he has any kind of comfort zone. God has built him so
amazingly.

The challenging stuff:

1. I did have one day that was very hard. It was a day where Abel was
a hand-full, I felt some culture shock, and I didn't feel like I was
able to connect with the Ugandans. I am feeling much better. Thank
you for your prayers! It's amazing how much I can tell people are
praying for us. I am connecting a little bit better with the
Ugandans, but it still is hard. I get intimidated and don't feel like
I have anything to talk about. The rest of our team is doing much
better with this though, so I'm trying to follow their lead.

2. I am sometimes overly concerned with staying clean and healthy
probably mostly because of Abel. I sometimes get uncomfortable when
people and kids want to hold him or when he gets really dirty. I just
have to remember that God had all these details in mind when he led us
to bring our family. Just pray for strong immune systems.

3. I am being challenged spiritually, but I think there's still so
much more that we could see. I still want our eyes opened even more.

4. It's very hard for me to understand my environment. We have
poverty all around us. I still can't comprehend how what I'm seeing
can possibly exist at the same time as what I will experience when I
get home.

5. One of my huge dreams for this trip is to grow in love and respect
for the Ugandans. I think very highly of our Ugandan staff. But, I
want to be able to look at every other person and also see their
value. I want to be able to see the poorest, dirtiest, meanest,
laziest, most uneducated, most unattractive person and see them with
God's eyes. I want to see each person and honor them above myself.
This is very hard for me.

6. Rob has some very important meetings, discussions, and decisions to
help with for Favor of God Ministries. This could be a heavy burden,
so we need to pray that he can do it with God's strength and give it
all to God to carry. He has a board meeting tomorrow. Pray for that.

So, please just pray from these things that I've shared. Continue to
pray for safety, health, spiritual protection, unity, passion, and
open eyes. By the way (mom and dad) I feel very safe here. Traveling
is probably the most dangerous since driving is crazy! So, you can
pray for that. But still don't fear for us, if God told us to come
here, then he has it all under control. You can trust me that I know
he told us to come. No worries!

We love you!

Leah

Uganda Update #5

2009-01-16T04:30:00.000-08:00

1/15/09 1:00pm (PST) / 1/16/09 midnight (Uganda)
Sorry it has been so long… In addition to not really having access to
internet for a few days, the days have been so exhausting that I just
can't bring myself to write at the end of the day. Good news…I've
slept through the last few nights…I got 9 full hours last night!
…which is good as I've come down with a cold and am hoping not to hang
on to it for too long! I feel great, other than being a little tired
and gunk flooding out of my face! But really, despite the cold, the
last few days have been incredible…and just in the nick of time, as
(for the first time in my life) I was beginning to struggle with a bit
of homesickness. God has been faithful though to draw me into some
amazing things here that have helped me, at least in the midst of
them, to forget how far I am from home and the ones I love. So, let's
see if I can recap for you… (Warning: This is probably going to be
long! Try reading it in a couple doses!! ;)

Tuesday… Staff Prayer/Worship, City-Wide Lunch Hour Prayer, & Prison Ministry
Each weekday morning, the staff at FOG begin their workday at 8am for
prayer and worship in the mission house. They spend about an hour in
worship, study, and prayer before they make announcements and hit
their ministry posts/offices for the day. It's pretty awesome to
see/hear and to be a part of. It is awesome to see the sincerity and
the passion in the worship and prayer. It is also clear that this
time brings a special unity to the team here at FOG. Although I don't
look forward to 8am (especially with as tired as I've been), I do look
forward to this time with the staff each morning.

Although we had several plans for the morning, transportation Uganda
style left us sitting and waiting…and waiting and sitting…and sitting
and waiting…until finally it was lunch time. We ate and headed to our
next scheduled activity…about an hour late and in make-shift
transportation…

Our next stop was Lunch Hour Prayer. Each day, 12:30-2pm is set aside
for prayer and worship. FOG has been able to rent a facility in the
center of town as their House of Prayer. All churches and all
believers in the community are invited to the House of Prayer, both to
participate and to lead. We found out today that there are over 200
churches in Gulu, and each of these churches has, at least in some
way, been involved in the House of Prayer. Different people
facilitate Lunch Hour Prayer each day, and believers from throughout
the town join together. It's an awesome thing.

I expected to go simply to observe, take notes, and perhaps take a few
pictures and some video. Instead, my world was rocked a bit. Instead
of being able to just hide in one of the seats, we were asked to join
hands with a person near us and share what has kept us from giving God
complete control in our lives. Gee…let's be sure to start light
before we hit the major heart issues, huh!? I guess not. They're
about getting to the real stuff and being real with each
other…refreshing, but slightly terrifying (sad coming from a Sandalite
where our church's vision is to be real with ourselves, others, and
God). Nonetheless, it rattled me a bit…in a good way…and as I was
shaken, God was able to reveal some cool stuff to me as we all shared
and then prayed our own prayers in unison.

We rushed straight from Lunch Hour Prayer to Prison Ministry at the
Central Prison. I was a little nervous…not because it was a prison,
but because we had been warned that we would be asked to share a
sermon or testimony when we visited the prisons…AHHH!!! We were
divided, one group going to the men's quarters (about 200 men) and the
other group to the women's quarters (29 women…and their
babies…interesting, huh?) Riss, Happiness, and I went to the were
assigned to the women's quarters.

I quickly requested/suggested/demanded? that Riss be the one that
share. Turns out, we all shared! Before we spoke though, we were
blessed to join the women in worship. Man, Africans know how to
worship! We're in prison, and they were just jammin'! Drum bangin',
maraca shakin', gospel singin', harmonies…the works. There was one
girl toward the front… I couldn't focus on much else. Her worship
was so sincere, so passionate…there wasn't a sole in the place but
her…just she and God. It was pretty incredible to watch. As they
worshiped, I couldn't help but watch the guards. Were they believers
too? I couldn't tell. They looked cold and distant, yet
occasionally, I would catch a couple of them singing along, and
sometimes even clapping and grooving just a bit.

We then shared some words of encouragement with them. It was
difficult because I felt encouraged by them. So I encouraged them in
that! I wanted so badly to know more about each individual woman,
but, being a prison, just hanging out is not really an option. Simon,
who had taken us, also asked the women if they had any testimonies of
what God had done in their lives. As the women shared, I was blessed
by their joy and their faith. One woman's had just come out of the
hospital and her husband had just committed suicide only days before,
yet she was praising God. That is a faith I know I should have, yet I
struggle to understand it.

Before we left, Simon asked that anyone who needed prayer come to the
front so we could pray over them. AHHH again…prayer!? Over
strangers!? Prayer is not my forte. But what does one do in this
situation? Pray, of course!

As a few women came forward, I realized what a joy it would be to
touch them and hear just a small piece of their heart, their story.
One by one, I put my hand on their shoulders, asked their names, and
asked how I could pray. It was amazing to be able to pour my love on
them, and to pray God's heart over them. The last woman I prayed for
was the one whose husband had just died. What an honor. As I prayed
for these women, I feel like my heart grew, like some of the layers of
hardness that I have let form finally began to be stripped, and I was
able to pray with more faith than I have had for some time. God had
just shown me the day before that I needed to spend more time in
prayer for others, and here, without my help (or my consent!) He gave
me the opportunity to be obedient to that. I freaked out at first,
but was so blessed by it. And I truly did feel honored to be able to
lay my hands on these women and hug them.

As we left the women, one of the guards came with us. While we toured
some of the new facilities, I was able to talk with this guard, Rose.
She was one of the initiators of the prison ministry. She has been
working as a prison guard for 29 years and had a burden for the
prisoners to be ministered to and to know Christ. As a result of her
conviction, her husband began working with FOG in prison ministry. A
year ago, he was in a fatal accident. Still, she walks in faith. She
fully believes that God has her exactly where He wants her. She
shared that God has taught her much through this position – Just as He
has made her a literal guard, she feels called to be a spiritual guard
– a guardian of the souls of the women in the prison. She feels it is
her duty to keep on watch over the women and do all she can to point
them to Christ. Wow! After wondering about the hearts of the guards,
it was amazing to talk with Rose and see hers. Pray for Rose as she
continues ministering to the women there. This culture is very
difficult for women. Although none of them were saved when they came
to the prison, and all of them are now, many of them backslide when
they go back into the community because of the struggles of life.
Pray for their foundations being built within the prison walls, and
for strength as they leave the safety of those walls.

OK…it is almost 1am, and I need to sleep! I hope to send this in the
morning when I wake up…and I hope to spend more time tomorrow writing
about the last couple days. Thanks so much for reading!! I know
these updates are long, but so many of you press on until the end.
Thank you for your support and encouragement. Please continue to pray
for our team and those I am sharing about. Just so you know what you
have to look forward to… Wednesday, we headed to another camp to
observe a Portable Bible School with a couple hundred students, rode
with a chicken, and did another Bible distribution…where I became one
of the locals and was hooting and hollering with the ladies, and
Thursday, we interviewed a handful of the FOG staff and visited the
House of Hope children's home where Blair killed a chicken and the
children's worship rocked our world. Tomorrow, more staff interviews,
another possible Bible distribution, a soccer match, and who knows
what else… Saturday, REST! Ya right…I'm sure our day will become
magically filled with "restful" activities! Ha! Thanks again for
reading.

Much love!
Jenelle

Uganda Update #4

2009-01-12T12:25:00.001-08:00

1/11/09 11:00am (PST) / 1/11/09 10:00pm (Uganda)
Today was a much needed "Day of Rest", although, we all still feel
exhausted! We all got to sleep in. I woke up at 5am! Go figure. It
was nice, though, looking out the door – which was open right by my
head – watching the sunrise and listening to the interesting sounds in
the neighborhood. We had a typical Ugandan breakfast – tea and bread
– and headed over to meet the rest of the team, where we lounged
around for hours. Traveling wore us out much more than we realized,
and our schedules will not slow down at all beginning early tomorrow
morning, so we took advantage of the opportunity to rest.

In the afternoon, a few of us ventured into Gulu town with a couple
guys that have been living here a few months. It was nice being out,
but I'm still hungry for a bit more interaction with the locals. I
guess after being immersed in several other environments, I'm a little
antsy to feel at home here and to have real relationships and
meaningful interactions with the people around me. I've got to give
it time, and give me time to adjust. So I'm going to be good and
actually go to bed before 11pm tonight! That's a miracle for those of
you who don't know me well.

Tomorrow begins at 7am (or earlier if it was anything like today) for
some alone time. At 8am, we will meet with the Favor of God (FOG)
staff for their daily prayer and worship time. Afterwards, we will
eat breakfast (tea and bread), and then we will head out for the day.
Most of the team will likely head out with a few of the FOG staff to
an IDP (Internally Displaced Persons) Camp near the border of Congo,
about a three-hour drive from Gulu. Recently, FOG completed a
Portable Bible School (PBS) session there, and traditionally, all the
graduates receive a Bible. There was a shortage of Bibles at the time
of their graduation, so we are going out tomorrow to distribute those.
Our team's goal is to get some video footage of the ceremony, take
notes of our observations, and interact with the people as much as we
can to learn more of their stories and their journey to, through, and
after the PBS. It will be our first time in a camp, so that in itself
will be an adventure and will probably be a bit overwhelming. Pray
that we will be able to effectively observe, again, with God's eyes
and not our own. Pray that our hearts and minds will be open to see
and understand things beyond ourselves, and pray that God will give us
the wisdom to know what to record and document, and the insight to
know how to best use that information to communicate to others the
realities here.

Alright, I'm wiped out! I hope to send this soon… still waiting to
get set up on the internet here at the mission house. Until then,
I've got to write when I have time and hope that I get to an internet
café eventually to send it. Sorry for the delays… Thanks for your
prayers though!

Jenelle

P.S. Thanks for all the personal emails. I've been able to read all
of them. I only wish I had time to respond to them too! Unless the
internet situation improves, you'll have to just trust that I
appreciate them! Thanks!! ;)

1/12/09 12:00pm (PST) / 1/12/09 11:00pm (Uganda)
The trip out to the camp today was amazing!!! I took tons of
pictures, recorded some music, and got some video footage. I'm
exhausted and don't think I can type much, but…

After the 4-hour drive…driving through camp after camp of huts…we
arrived in Nebbi. Two months ago, there was a graduation ceremony for
individuals that had completed the two-month long (5-day/week, 6
hours/day) Portable Bible School. It is tradition to give each
graduate one Bible. It is VERY hard to come by these Bibles and they
are not just given to anyone. They are a VERY treasured commodity.
Well, circumstances were that no Bibles were available at that time.
The graduates have been SO anxious to get their Bibles, so as soon as
the shipment arrived, the FOG team drove out there. When we arrived
to the village, there were at least 30 people waiting in the middle of
the dirt road waving tree branches. As we approached, they began
singing and banging on drums they were rolling with them on the backs
of bicycles. They surrounded the van and marched with us all the way
in to the church, singing worship songs and drumming with all their
hearts. Wow.

Inside, we had a time of worship and praise, thanking God for bringing
us safely and for bringing the long-awaited Bibles to the grads.
Man…I've never seen so much energy in such a small place. They even
gave me a little maraca and I got my groove on along with all of the
precious and VERY energetic and joyful Ugandans.

After things calmed down, the international visitors (us) were asked
to present the Bibles to the students. I felt like I was stealing
their gratitude that should have more appropriately been lavished on
the staff of FOG who had worked so hard putting on the Portable Bible
School and getting the Bibles to the grads. However, it made me
realize that the staff at FOG are absolutely unconcerned with their
own recognition or praise. They humbly asked us to receive that
instead. Wild.

The grads were called by name, and each one came and shook our hands
and/or hugged us. (I learned much about Ugandan hugging customs
during the ceremony!) I also walked away bearing a much different
aroma than I'd entered with. Nice, huh? Some of the hugs, the
thanks, the tears, were so sweet. Many squeezed us like we had
rescued them and had given them the gift of life. I guess, really, we
had…by the hard work of others, of course. It was crazy to see how
much they treasured the Word of God. Many of them grabbed their first
and only Bible out of my hand and clinched it as though it were worth
more than their life, and several shouted and cheered for joy, raising
their Bible with tears in their eyes.

I wish we recognized the value of God's Word. I was overcome with
guilt and shame for my own lack of reverence for His Word. How many
copies do I have?? And how easily can I access it anytime I want on
the Web…in writing, in audio format…with notes, with commentaries,
with countless translations and study guides?? Yet, how often do I
choose instead to watch a movie, go to sleep early, or push the snooze
button just one more time, and completely neglect to read it? Pretty
rough reality check. Something for all of us to think about.

As we left, I talked with one of the graduates named Jen. So many
nationals ask for money or resources or help. As I tried to encourage
her to make wise use of her new Bible, do you know what she asked me?
"Can you please continue to pray for us? Can you ask your friends to
pray for our ministry here?" As I encouraged her to share the stories
and truths from the Bible with the children in the village, she shared
with me that she is the Sunday School teacher for the children. She
also ministers to the women in the area, providing training and doing
several other things. She was thrilled that since the graduation
ceremony two months ago, three people in their village had accepted
Christ. What an amazing woman…and her only request – that we would
pray. Please pray for Jen and the other 78 graduates in Nebbi (10km
east of the Congo border) that now have their own Bibles. Also, pray
for the next 2-month Portable Bible School that will begin right on
the border of Congo and Uganda on Jan 19th. Riss and I will likely
visit that PBS and participate and witness some of the hands-on
training activities. I can't wait to share about those with you.

OK, I'm exhausted…again! I woke up at 3am this morning and couldn't
get back to sleep. Pray that all on our team would sleep through the
night and wake up wonderfully rested tomorrow.

Tentative Plans for the rest of the week so you know how to pray:

Tomorrow: 8am prayer and worship with the FOG staff. Noon-time
prayer (daily city-wide prayer in the middle of Gulu town).
Afternoon: Visit to Prison Ministry where a few of us will likely be
asked to speak.

Wednesday: ???

Thursday: Interviews with FOG staff. Pray for wisdom in preparing
questions to ask and favor in setting up successful meeting times with
the staff.

Friday: Interview all day with Martin, co-founder of FOG. Again,
pray for wisdom.

Thank you all so much! It's such an encouragement that so many of you
are taking the time to read these. Lots of deep stuff to communicate
today. Will try to share some more fun stories next time I get a
chance. Internet is still sketchy, so thanks for bearing with me.

Love you all!
Jenelle

Uganda Update #3

2009-01-11T06:54:00.001-08:00

1/10/09 1:40pm (PST) / 1/11/09 12:40am (Uganda)
Well, I just got all tucked away in the bed where I'll be sleeping for
the next 4 weeks. Ordinarily, this is a rather simple task. However,
add the obstacle of cautiously securing a mosquito net around the
mattress and then weaseling your way in, only to discover that you
need a few more things before you sleep, and the task becomes a bit
more daunting. So you finally settle in, and think you're set for the
night… Then comes the dreaded buzz in your ear. Not only have you
secured yourself in the mosquito net, but you've trapped one of the
little buggers in there with you! I've been tracking him with my eyes
for several minutes now, and have made a few swatting attempts, but
alas, I think I have an unwanted sleeping buddy. I have not yet seen
him land, so I'm not sure if he could have malaria or not (apparently,
the type that can carry it land upside down…rather strange if you ask
me). Hopefully I make it through the night unscathed.

A brief recap of our travels…

It feels like we've been traveling for days…we have! Abel did very
well the whole time. Although…he had quite a bit of energy, so Rob
and Leah haven't gotten much sleep. Marcus and Happiness have had
some unforgettable "first-time-overseas" experiences. Their luggage
was lost in Dubai (no worries…it made it to Uganda!) and Marcus was
racially profiled in Customs and they did a full search of his bags.
Riss found a small bolt in one of her airplane meals and got a free
gift to make up for her traumatic experience. And my only pair of
tennis shoes I brought began falling apart before we even reached LAX.
Crazy glue got me to Uganda, but I think it's time to say farewell!

Nonetheless, after about 24 hours on planes, two layovers, one hotel,
and about 6 hours on some very bumpy roads in a van, we are finally in
Gulu. Tomorrow is our day of rest – literally – and Monday, the
craziness begins. I hear we will wake around 6am and work until 10pm
on most days.

Pray for our health. Pray for unity on our team. But most of all,
pray for spiritual eyes, that we may see the things God wants us to
see.

Thanks!

Jenelle

Uganda Update #2

2009-01-09T19:32:00.000-08:00

1/9/09 7:31am (California Time)
Well, I’m somewhere over the Middle East right now. I just realized most of my flying has been over an ocean. It’s interesting being over places like the Grand Canyon, Ireland, Kuwait… Kind of unreal.

This plane is unreal too. I’ve never been so spoiled on a flight… Countless movies, TV shows, games, and so much more at my disposal. I don’t think I’ve ever watched so many movies in one sitting! (Literally…I really have to pee!) ;)

We’re almost through our second flight and should be landing in Dubai soon. I hear it’s a gorgeous city, but I’m not sure we’ll get to experience much other than the hotel. Hopefully we’ll take in a lot of scenery on the ride from the airport to the hotel. I’m looking forward to one last night in a comfy bed and morning with a fresh, warm shower.

It’s not quite real to me yet that I’m about to spend 4 weeks in Gulu. I don’t think I’ve adjusted emotionally, physically, or spiritually. If you could pray for those adjustments, that would be great. I’ve been sitting on this plane for nearly 13 hours. As I’ve watched movie after movie, I keep thinking I need to be preparing my heart and mind, but honestly, I’m not sure where or how to start.

…And we’re landing…

1/9/09 2:05pm (California Time) / 1/10/09 2:05am (Dubai)
We made it to our hotel in Dubai at about 11pm, had some dinner, and showered. We get to sleep for a few hours, then we had back to the airport at 6am for our last flight into Kampala, the capital of Uganda. We’ll land at 3pm (Saturday, 4am PST), hop into a van, and drive about 6 hours up to Gulu. We should arrive in Gulu, Uganda around 10pm (Saturday, 11am PST). Hopefully we’ll get a good night’s sleep, and then the real journey begins.

Please pray for rest (especially for Rob and Leah as they’re sleeping around baby Abel’s schedule) and adjustments (to the time, the climate, and the culture) as we settle in in Gulu. Also, pray that our hearts and minds would be ready and open for whatever God has in store.

Thanks a million!Jenelle

Uganda Update #1

2009-01-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

We're leaving tomorrow morning!! ...at 5am! We will be traveling for about 48 hours before we arrive in Gulu, Uganda. I'm excited...and overwhelmed. Still packing! We raised MOST of our funds, but could use a little more help. We would also still like to raise more for the farm project. If you're still interested, please let me know.

If you want to receive updates (I will try to send them as often as possible while we're gone), PLEASE respond to this email ASAP. I will do my best to get a mailing list together, but the internet access is going to be rough. I will also try to post updates and photos (if the internet connection allows) on Facebook. If you're on there, find me there!

Thanks so much for your prayers and support.

Jenelle

Uganda...9 days and counting

2008-12-30T00:21:00.001-08:00

Almost a year after my last post, I'm back! I'm leaving for Uganda in NINE days. That's crazy. As I go, I want to write. I hope you guys will hang with me through my journey.

It's crazy to think we leave so soon. Life has been so busy that I haven't really been able to process much regarding the trip. As I sat at our team meeting tonight, I realized how excited I am. Until tonight, I have been consumed by other emotions...

I'm scared... It's going to be really hard to leave some things that I love. I have no idea what to expect. I don't know if I'm strong enough or wise enough to handle what we will encounter. It's not the safest place in the world, and the spiritual warfare will be different than anything I've ever experienced.

I'm unprepared... I still don't have the money for the trip. I haven't studied nearly as much about the culture and the country as I would like to. I have shopping and packing and several other things that still need to be done.

But I'm excited. My heart has ached since I last returned from Vietnam (about 3.5 years ago). My heart longs to be in other cultures, to learn, to stretch, to discover... I miss it so much. I can't wait to be out of my box, out of my routine, out of my world and my life... observing, absorbing, being shaken. I can't wait to meet the people, see the sights, and just be rattled. The most important things on the packing list: camera, notebooks, laptop. I'm so anxious to be a sponge.

Now, if I could just get all the other details taken care of before I hop on that plane!

Busted Thumb!

2008-01-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

For those that know me well, you know I love to pester people. Oddly, it's often how I show my love (I know, not so loving!). Anyways, I've been gone for almost two weeks, staying with my parents for the holidays, so when I got home, I was excited to see my roomies. So of course I started messing around with Sixy. Another thing about my messing around...I always win! Well, this time, Six kung fu karate chopped me and about took off my left ! It's only slightly puffier than my right , but it won't move! I've sprained and even countless fingers and toes in the past, but never a ! I'm pretty sure it's sprained.

Thanks, Sixy, for the new experiences - first, losing a battle, and second, busting a . Oh, the joys of friendship! ;)

Long, but worth it (at least I think so!)

2008-01-03T09:47:00.000-08:00

I had the wonderful experience yesterday of visiting with a dear friend, Cresta, who I don't get to see much (see, she lives on the other side of the world!). God blessed our conversation and encouraged both of us so much through our time together. One question she asked though really triggered some thought. What it came down to was - Do I really trust God?

I mean, in my head, I know I can. I know that He is the only explanation for so many things. I know that when I'm at my lowest points, it is Him who wraps His arms around me and gently lifts me up.

But the question came down to trusting Him in my everyday. I want so desperately for Him to break me, that I might give all of myself to Him once again, trusting Him completely, truly believing that He loves me and that all things work together for good for those He loves and has called according to His purpose (Rom 5:8), allowing Him to use me for His purposes regardless of what that means for my life.

I don't have that kind of faith. I'm afraid when I can't predict the outcome of my choices. I'm afraid that I might fail in the things He's called me to. I'm afraid that falling at His feet and allowing Him to do with my heart whatever He pleases will cause me to break in places I feel I must be strong. So when it comes down to it, no, I don't trust Him. That is heartbreaking.

But, being the faithful God He is, He had some words for me. Last night, I went to Willie's small group downtown and we read through Mark 5. There are three healings in this chapter.

In the first, Jesus casts a Legion of demons out of a crazy man and into a heard of pigs which proceed to dive off the cliff and die in the sea below. It occurred to me that Jesus was unusually calm, simply discussing options with the demons. After much pleading from them, Jesus granted them "permission" to go into the pigs. This tripped me out. Permission!? Ya, God is that sovereign - He is the boss, He is in charge, He has the final say regardless of the havoc Satan wants to wreak.

In the second two healings, it was the power of their faith that brought healing. Now, I've been reading the gospels daily for some time now, and almost each day I read, Jesus performs a miracle as a result of someone's faith. I think, "Hmm, that's cool." But that's really been the extent of my response. Last night, it hit me. "Jenelle, when you ask me to transform your heart, I know you know I can, but are you asking in faith, confident that I can and WILL do it?" Whoa! See, God wants my heart to be fully His. He would delight in my faith if I only had the courage to ask EXPECTING Him to do it! Wow...so many times in His Word, He shows us that He acts in response to our faith in Him. God, I am sorry that I have had so little faith, and merely hoped that you would work in me for Your glory. God, increase my faith!

So then I come home. I have a tendency to write verses on little scraps of paper and carry them around in my pockets. I used to do this in order to help me memorize them. Now, however, I'm not so good at that and they tend to just sit in my pocket and get wrinkled, and then they move on to the big pile of all the other ones that I wrote down and never reflected on. Well, one had fallen from the pile and was laying on my dresser last night. When I saw it, I thought, "Hmm, I bet God has something to say to me." I opened it up. Here is what I read:

And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over... (2 Corinthians 9:8)

And I'm worried that what I have won't be sufficient!?

Then I flipped it over and continued to read:

Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full - pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. (Luke 6:38)

Again, a promise that what He has is more than sufficient for what I need. When I've read this in the past, I've often thought of material things. This time, however, God laid it on my heart that He was talking about my heart, about my life. He wants all of it, laid down as an offering for Him. What if I lay it all down, what will I have to offer to those around me, to the tasks to which He's called me? According to His Word, much more than I began with! For the amount that I give will determine the amount that I get back!! What a promise, that if I give Him every ounce of me, He will give me what I need to do what He has called me to do.

And He wasn't finished yet. This morning, I open up my Word, a little more convinced at this point that He does in fact intend to speak to me as I read. I flip open to my book marker, and it's the story of the Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem. Here is what jumped out at me:

...Jesus sent out two of his disciples, saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, 'Why are you doing this?' tell him, "The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly." (Mark 11:1-3)

Go STEAL a donkey!? What the heck!? Would I have the courage to do something that seems so absurd and inappropriate? And, by the way, that's a great comeback, huh!? Anyone would be cool with that explanation! Right...

But again, God showed me His faithfulness. Check it out:

They went and found a colt outside in the street, tied at the doorway. As they untied it, some people standing there asked, "What are you doing untying that colt?" They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go. (Mark 11:4-6)

Because, you know, most people who caught you stealing would be perfectly comfortable with that response and would just let you go! Uh...or maybe God is sovereign and can move the hearts, minds, and behavior of others in order to fulfill His purposes and promises to His people. Hmm...

I'm thinking that God is trying to show me that whatever He asks, whatever He calls me to, whatever He wants me to lay down at His feet, He is faithful and able to provide what I need and bring it all together for His good, even when it seems crazy and seems that it would leave me in a bad spot. He is faithful!

So, am I willing to have the faith I need to see His mighty hand at work? I sure hope so!

I can't wait to see what else He has to show me.

a camel through the eye of a needle

2007-12-24T10:46:00.000-08:00

The other day, I read through the story in the gospels (Matthew 19:23-30, Mark 10:23-31, and Luke 18:24-30) about how difficult it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom. I read through it thinking, "OK, well that's not me, so what insights can I gain from these passages?" Sadly, I came up with nothing. Today, these stories caught my eye again, and immediately, I had the same thought, "Ya, I'm not rich!"

But God challenged me saying, "Yes, Jenelle, you are rich!"

Immediately, I remembered countless statistics about how even the poorest American is richer than much of the world. The average bum in America eats better than middle-class citizens in other parts of the world. Just because I am not rich compared to those immediately surrounding me does not mean I am not rich.

A couple points to consider...

Compared to much of the world, I make more money in a few hours than they can make in a month.
When I consider my current "needs," the list looks something like this: shoes (sure, the ones I have are falling apart, but I still have several!), headphones (gotta have something to listen to songs on my new mp3 playing cell phone, right!?), a dressy coat (heaven forbid I wear my "casual" jacket to work even though it does its job and keeps me warm), a DVD player (it's too much work to move the one from the other room into my bedroom and I don't like leaving my laptop on all night when I fall asleep to a movie on it). Come on! I have no real needs!
And this is the kicker... When is the last time I had no choice but to depend on God because I was unable to meet my own needs...or even the needs of those around me? Uh...can't think of one. Sure, I must depend on God for emotional and spiritual needs, but those are so much less tangible - and much more easily scraped under the rug and forgotten about.

I AM the rich man (or woman) Jesus spoke about. I AM my provision. I AM the solution to most of my problems. I AM... No wonder it is so difficult for me to depend on Him in the less tangible things! I haven't learned to do it in the things I can touch and see and smell.

Lord, teach us to depend on you as whole-heartedly as those who have no option. Help us to treasure your provision and not our own. Help us to determine our needs based on your priorities and not our own perception. Save us from our self-sufficiency that we may know your complete sufficiency.

Christmas in Uganda

2007-12-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

To those of us who love the work of Favor of God Ministries and who have been praying for the precious people of Uganda, the below message is for you:

We are writing to ask for your help…

Over the past few months, the groups and families that contribute monthly to the ministry of Favor of God have fallen behind in their giving. In addition, Francisco, the ministry's office administrator was seriously injured in a motorcycle accident while working last month and had to be taken by helicopter to a hospital in another city. Favor of God used all of their resources to ensure he got all the needed care (and thank God, he is on his way to recovery and should be back in Gulu next month). But because of these hard times, Favor of God Ministries was not able to pay their 25 full-time and 40 part-time employees their November or December salaries.

Will you help?

We are believing that the Favor of God family here in the states will come together to provide not only November and December's payroll but also a surprise Christmas bonus for these precious families!

To be an answer to their prayers, send or drop off a check to:
Favor of God Ministries
6640 Calvin Ct
Riverside, CA 92506

In order for the funds to be received in Gulu before the staff leaves for their winter break next Friday, we need to wire the money by Tuesday, December 18th at 2pm ! So, please EMAIL us back with the amount you will give, then send or drop off your check right away! If you are interested in supporting Favor of God on an ongoing basis, print, complete, and mail the Contribution Form to the address on the form.

All our love,
The Favor of God family in Riverside, California

201 Great Questions

2007-10-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, Sandals Church blessed all the small group leaders with a spiffy little gift - a tiny book called 201 Great Questions. It's filled with questions ranging from absolutely silly to pretty deep and even soul-searching. We keep it in my car and pull it out from time to time on road trips to inspire conversation. Today, while driving (shhh), I don't know why I felt an urge to grab it. This is the question that I found:

What does this statement mean to you: "Activity that does not result in progress toward a goal is a waste of time"? Do you agree?

Wow. Interesting after my last post. I think God was trying to take that conviction just a nudge deeper. I definitely fall into that trap...probably daily.

How about you? Let's get some conversation going. Share your thoughts.

a startling realization

2007-10-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

Those who know me well, no doubt know these two things:

I love meaningful time spent with people. It is not uncommon for me to give up hours a day to conversations. In fact, meaningful conversations that challenge, inspire, enlighten, or develop authenticity probably drive me more than much else in life.
I hate grading, planning, and other tedious tasks. I love going deeper with people. These tasks do not line up with that passion. On the contrary, they force me to neglect #1.

This morning, I was in the midst of planning out some of these dreaded tasks - scanning papers, creating a grading rubric, trying to narrow down to the minute how long it would take to grade these darned narrative paragraphs - when the Lord thankfully took my mind captive for a moment.

I have always struggled with consistently setting aside time fully focused and devoted to God. I've used the fact that I am a night person to justify not having a quiet time in the morning. Yet by the time I finish my tasks in the evening (or early morning, whatever you want to call it), my eyelids are rarely willing to go along with these intended quiet times. I lost hope for that years ago. So I've fought for mornings. Unfortunately, I wake up with so many things on my mind - the unfinished tasks from the previous night, all the ungraded papers, the unplanned classes that lay just hours ahead of me, the day's meetings that I'm not prepared for, the disaster that I call my room, small group and worship leading that I need to get my heart and mind prepared for - and suddenly, the thought of being still with the Lord causes a great deal of tension in my mind. To fight this, I try to set a small goal for that time - find a verse that will help me or someone else through the day, pray for someone I've committed to pray for, learn something I didn't know before, etc. Hmm...I don't think this is how God desires for me to spend time with Him.

The question He raised in my mind this morning was this: When I talk to people, do I set goals? Or do I just share my heart, hoping to see more of theirs, and seeking means of mutual encouragement? I just talk! When a conversation presents itself, I immediately set aside all the tasks of the day, all my preoccupation, and I throw my whole heart into seeing the other person's heart and letting them see mine. Nearly every time I do so, I walk away feeling encouraged, I've discovered new insights, I've been challenged, and I believe that the other person often feels the same. Only after I walk away (usually an hour or more later) do I remember all the responsibilities on my shoulders. I may feel slightly more stressed, but I feel refreshed and inspired and I'm ready to leap into that task.

On the contrary, when I must deal with one of the many tedious tasks of life, I have to prepare myself for it. I lay each piece of the project out before me. I evaluate what must be done and how to do it most effectively. I even try to calculate how much time it should take. Then I drudgingly begin, chasing after every distraction or less daunting task that presents itself along the way, inevitably lengthening my time calculations and causing the task to span over endless days, weeks, and sometimes months.

Sadly, when I consider those two distinct functions in my life, if I had to put my time with the Lord in one of those categories, it would be the latter, not the former. Why is that? I crave relationship with Him, not knowledge, not goals. Have I been programmed to seek accomplishments rather than just Him? No wonder it has been so difficult to seek after Him each day.

Lord, I pray that I would truly recognize that you are not a task, not a goal, not something to be checked off the to-do list, not even something to add knowledge, insight or purpose to my life. You are the ultimate in relationships. Lord, help me to invest myself in knowing you with a passion that far outweighs my passion for people. Help me to sit down with you just to hear Your heart and share mine. I know that I know how; I do it with people everyday. Lord, teach me to do it with you.

I'm coming coming...back back...to blogging blogging

2007-09-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

It's been on my heart lately that I need to get back into blogging a little more consistently. Not that I was ever too consistent, but once in three months is a little too inconsistent.

Anyways, I've gotten so carried away with life that I rarely sit back and reflect. In fact, I rarely sit still at all! I believe that's a tragedy. In fact, I was reminded today as Socrates said that, "The unexamined life is not worth living." It's interesting that my greatest fear is that I'll arrive at the end of my life, look back and realize that I have wasted it, yet I spend so little time evaluating whether I'm spending my days on the things that truly matter. I just keep moving, so fast, doing everything I can to keep up and failing daily, yet not reflecting on whether those things that consume me really even matter at all.

All this to say, I need to spend more time reflecting, evaluating, praying, and being intentional about how I spend the moments of my life, pulling away from the emergencies and the urgency even if just for a few minutes each day. Writing helps me to do that. Attempting to write with purpose helps even more. Writing causes me to stop and look at my life, and as I pause, I often gain a new perspective, and when I'm lucky, that perspective is one God's been trying to show me but I've been too busy to see.

So I'm going to attempt to re-enter the blogging world. Accountability would be great. If anyone's still out there reading this thing, stay on me, respond, ask questions, engage in dialogue, share your insights, nag me when you see me...whatever, just hold me to being real and sharing my thoughts.

Love you guys. Peace!

bye bye summer

2007-09-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

Wow! I managed to make it through the whole summer without blogging. Go figure...all kinds of cool stuff has been going on! Perhaps over the next several weeks, I can attempt to catch you up on a few of the coolest things. ...If, of course, I even have any readers left! In a quick summary...

I did get my grades done...in the middle of the night the day they were due.
The next day, we moved...into a house...the Mission House!!
God used awesome friends to show me awesome things.
God has stretched me, taught me, broken me, used me, and protected me.
We've had lots of amazing friends help us break in our new home.
Dad and I have done several fun "projects" at the house.
School starts in a few days.

So, I left you with grading back in June, and now it's time to jump back in! Pray I'll keep growing and not be consumed by poor planning and procrastination.

I'm so excited to meet my new students! ;)

grading...grading...grading...

2007-06-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

This is me grading. Doesn't it look fun??? Today is the deadline to post grades. Thank goodness I'm not a procrastinator! ;) Don't I look thrilled? I hate grading!!! Do you notice anything interesting in the picture?

This...this is where any semblance of sanity comes from. Thank you to all those have provided candy for the journey. ;) Let's hope it can get me through 'til midnight... And let's hope I can actually finish by midnight! Don't want my name on the "bad" list!

What the World Eats

2007-06-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

Check out this photo essay at Time Magazine, taken from the book Hungry Planet by Peter Menzel. The photos are not necessarily indicative of the norms in each country, yet it is still interesting to consider the variations in what a normal week consists of for families in different cultures. Pay special attention as you look at the families from Chad, Bhutan, and Ecuador. Consider the number of people in the photo and the amount and types of food, and then consider the food you think is essential in your own home each week. Interesting to reflect on…

Thoughts?

eight dollar hot dog

2007-06-10T09:00:00.001-07:00

Please watch this. It's about 4:30 minutes. Thought-provoking. Please share your thoughts.

Sandals Worldwide

2007-06-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

Sunday at Sandals was awesome! I get excited when I see a passion for other nations developing in those around me. It was fun to hear about the recent Sandals Worldwide trips to Botswana and India. I thought you might enjoy hearing it too! Check out the video or the mp3 (the video's more fun!). I love Sandals! I'm anxious to see how this passion continues to grow.

Let's get some conversation going here. I know there are a few of you out there that read this thing. I want to know who you are and I want to know your thoughts. I want to be challenged and encouraged by you. So help me out! Here are some starters...

What are your thoughts on missions? Has God given you a passion for a particular place? What are you doing with that passion?

waving goodbye to Spring 07

2007-06-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

I got this email from one of my ESL students on Friday (font not changed for the purposes of this picture!!!). Check out the subject too! At that point, we had only missed ONE CLASS!! I will give my last final for the semester on Wednesday. I realized Friday that I'm really going to miss my students. I'm blessed to have had the opportunity to teach them and learn from them over the last four months.

I pray that they learned more than English. ...that they increased their confidence, that they learned to work more effectively with others, that they learned to ask good questions, that they realized that each of them matters, that they learned that their voice (spoken or written) has power when they use it the right way...and so much more... I hope that each of them has been challenged and that when they look back, they will see that, in some way, they are not the same. I know that is true for some; I pray it for the others as well.

desperation

2007-05-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

I will dance, I will sing, to be mad for my King. Nothing, Lord, is hindering this passion in my soul. And I'll become even more undignified than this. Some may say it's foolishness, but I'll become even more undignified than this. Leave my pride by my side.

I woke up with this song on my heart. Since this song is in line with some of the truths God spoke to me yesterday, I will consider that maybe He is trying to encourage me further along those lines. So what was spoken yesterday?

Carole, a missionary in Northern Uganda, spoke at Path of Life Church here in Riverside. As we walked in, it felt different from most worship services I have experienced in the U.S. The people actually seemed to be worshiping unashamed. It wasn’t all crazy and buckwild, just real, authentic, unashamed worship. A not caring what my neighbor thinks, just coming before the living God in gratitude for all that He is and all that He does in me. True worship. Some hands were raised, some heads were bowed, some eyes were closed, and some just sang. True worship. I desire true worship, yet concern for what others think, and unwillingness to pull back from the world and life long enough to truly reflect on my heart and on Christ, and so many other distractions keep me from it. True worship. Unashamed worship.

Then Carole spoke. She felt at home. She spoke with passion, with conviction. She shared the sadness of 2 Samuel 14:28 – “Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king’s face.” Absalom, the son of the king, went two years in his father’s kingdom, yet never saw his father’s face. It seems absurd. It seems unlikely. Yet so many of us, as Christians, spend our whole lives claiming to be sons or daughters of the King, and fail to ever see His face. We seek His hands, we seek answers and direction, but we rarely, if ever, seek His face, seek to truly know Him, to walk with Him, to simply be in His presence. What a sad thing that we miss the most amazing aspect of our relationship with God. In pursuit of doing or being for Him, we completely miss being with Him.

As Carole proceeded, she explained that throughout Scripture, it was a hunger, a desperation for God that moved His hand. Complacency never does. In America, more than any other nation, I believe, many of us have become complacent. We are unaware of our desperate need to see God’s face, to be moved by His hand. We do not need more knowledge, more teaching, we need more hunger, more desperation.

God, am I willing to be undignified, to lose the respect of those around me, to be humbled so much as to be desperate for you?

procrastination...

2007-05-05T21:15:00.000-07:00

It's not all it's cracked up to be. So why don't I just get to work!? What is it that makes me search for anything else to do other than what must be done? I hope one day I move past this irritating struggle. Anyways, enough stalling...I need to work.

undivided

2007-03-31T11:43:00.000-07:00

"Train me, God, to walk straight;
then I'll follow your true path.
Put me together, one heart and mind;
then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear."
~Psalm 86:11

Even David, a man after God's own heart, had to ask God to give him an undivided heart. Why do I believe that if I just strive hard enough, I can remain fully committed to God? I don't have the capacity. Regardless of how hard I try, I am incapable. But that is not the end... He can give me an undivided heart, a heart fully His, if I seek Him, if I trust Him, and not my own strength. Lord, I want an undivided heart. I do not want be torn between myself and You...I just want You.

because it pleases YOU, I come

2007-03-14T19:36:00.001-07:00

OK, so I'm grading papers. I HATE grading papers! Although occasionally it's quite humorous and entertaining, more often, it's just tedious. So I'm totally not feeling like grading, but I'm SO behind. Usually, that's a result of me being a slacker and procrastinator, but that's actually not true this time. Life's just been busy...good, but busy.

Today, however, I find myself with several hours of "down time." As one might imagine, grading is not what my heart is longing for, yet it calls to me. I feel like I have cabin fever, but I just started working! I keep pausing to consider all the other things I could be doing, but the guilt ties me down. The temptation was beginning to win... And then God spoke...

I come tonight to yield my right. I give YOU my life, as a gift of offering...

Now, that wasn't Moi's intended message, but God spoke pretty clearly to me...right when I needed to hear it. That sucks! He's spoken to me so much about learning discipline and learning to focus, yet I sit here like a victim of severe ADD.

I'm not here to serve my comfort or my desires. I'm here to give it all to YOU, to pour myself out until there is nothing left, to give and not hold back, to serve others selflessly, to do my best...even in the seemingly mundane. God, help me to give everything I've got to the tasks to which YOU've called me. Remind me that it's not about me.

For those of you who are interested, Moi's song is rad. It's called Te Agrada a Ti or It Pleases You. Here's the rest:

I come tonight to yield my right. I give You my life as a gift of offering like the one that You gave me. It may not make a difference. It may not change a single life. It may not move a single stone. But it pleases You... Because it pleases You, I come...

It's so not about me.

for the record...

2007-01-21T22:44:00.000-08:00

It is 10:42pm and I am about to hit the hay! Everyone who knows me knows that this is quite miraculous. I honestly don't recall the last time I went to bed and it was still P.M. This is another issue I am working on. In order to care for my body, to be at my best, and to avoid any further facial blows, I need sleep!! The goal is to at least be in bed (although it may be followed with some reading) in the P.M. My motivation today is increased, however, as I must get up at 5:30am!! So, off to bed I go. I know you're excited!

a new priority

2007-01-15T00:36:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged in a long time. I hope you don't mind. I have been spending less time on the computer and more time with the Father and His Word. That is always something I say is important to me, yet it is something that I never seem to have time for. I know I need it, I'm hungry for it, yet other priorities stand in the way. Although I have said for some time that He is more important to me than anything, my life has not reflected that for quite some time. I try to fit Him in, but only with what I have left after all the other responsibilities and things I choose to give my time to.

Through Christmas, I did a lot of reflecting. It started back at Thanksgiving, actually. I thought a lot about the fact that I want my life's purpose to be whatever His purpose is. I want my life, my words, my work, my attitude, my accomplishments all to reflect Him. I want to live a life that encourages and challenges others to pursue Him more passionately. I desire these things more than anything else. These convictions fill my thoughts daily, along with the frustration and disappointment because I constantly fail to make that a reality. But how can I when I simply try to squeeze Him in? As He grew the conviction in my heart to strive for those things, as He increased those passions and desires in me, I resolved to place Him first, to give myself to Him before anything else, to make Him a priority above everything else. I suppose this could be considered my New Year's resolution. I shy away from those because I hate failing, and I don't know aobut you, but for me, failure is inevitable whenever I resolve to do anything. This resolution though, is far more important than anything else I could ever determine to do in my life, and it is far more essential. So, humbly, I have commited to make this year His, giving Him my firsts each day, and ending each day with Him as well. For me, doing these two things brings me to a point where I walk and converse with Him constantly throughout the day. This is my desire. That I would "pray without ceasing," that I would never stop seeking His face.

For those of you who know me, I'm sure you could guess that I have already failed. Yet, in this indeavor, I am trying to place my failures in His hands, simply accept His grace rather than my own shame, and continue striving after Him rather than giving up out of fear or disappointment in failure. So as I fail, I strive harder. It is always so refreshing to me to realize that each mandate set for us was not simply another rule to follow, but rather a guideline to help us to live life to its fullest as He desires for us. As I learn to discipline myself and sacrifice time once spent on other activities, I am beginning to see His face again as I did long ago. I am beginning to hear His voice. I am beginning to see with His eyes. I am beginning to know His purposes more clearly and can see His fruit in my life. This is life. I'm excited.

As I seek to know Him more intimately, I have also resolved to be more disciplined in scripture memory. See, I can paraphrase with the best of 'em! But I want to know His Word, I want it buried in my heart. Too bad I can't keep up with all His precious words that He has been laying on my heart! But step by step, I hope to carve them into my heart. As I have been failing lately at unconditional love, at mercy, one of my first verses is Psalm 103:8-12:

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with
unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry
forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal with us
harshly, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed
our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

Yes, that was without looking! The challenge will be to remember it tomorrow, then next week, then next month. But He blesses our efforts, and I believe, with discipline, He will help me to engrain His truths within me. And since He calls us to reflect Him, I've got some work to do on living out those words! Compassionate, merciful, not accusing, letting go of anger, not holding grudges or keeping score...showing grace and forgiveness. Cake, right!? Right... But hey, the life He's called us to is not supposed to be easy, but it is supposed to be amazing!

Love you guys.

christmas pictures

2006-12-27T13:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, I did a major photo upload yesterday and today. Anybody have a better FREE photo site that has unlimited storage and uploads fast??? Let me know!

Anyways, if you're interested in my Christmas festivities, check out our Cochran Christmas (relatives), Christmas Day with Family, and Our First Sledding Adventures at the New House. Fun stuff! It's supposed to snow again today! Yay!!

I hope you all had a great Christmas and are either resting or being productive (or both!) with the rest of the break. God bless!

1 corinthians 13 – a Christmas version

2006-12-21T00:34:00.000-08:00

I continue struggling with the dicotomy between what Christmas is supposed to be and what our culture has made it, not sure of how to do things differently as I'm caught up in the same rush to get gifts and do all the stuff that comes with this season. I found this today...

if i decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, i’m just another decorator.

if i slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, i’m just another cook.

if i work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that i have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.

if i trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir’s cantata but do not focus on Christ, i have missed the point.

love stops the cooking to hug the child.

love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband.

love is kind, though harried and tired.

love doesn’t envy another’s home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.

love doesn’t yell at the kids to get out of the way, but is thankful they are there to be in the way.

love doesn’t give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can’t.

love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

love never fails.

video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust, but giving the gift of love will endure.

~source unknown

(Picture taken while looking at lights last night.)

advent

2006-12-16T13:06:00.000-08:00

I'm doing some research on Advent. It's an interesting thing from what I can tell. Although it is a long-standing tradition, it wears many different faces depending on the cultural and religious strand in which it is found. However, the bottom line is that it is a time of waiting and anticipation for the coming of the Lord (typically beginning 4 Sundays before Christmas Day). The focus is on two (and some say three) comings: 1) Jesus birth, 2) His second coming, and 3) His coming into our hearts and lives. While see this anticipation as a time for penance and self-sacrifice in order to make ourselves right for the second coming of Christ, many choose instead to focus on the hope that comes through Christ. In both traditions, Advent is a time of reflection, patience, and a refocusing of our attention on Christ. While Advent has never been a tradition in my family (aside from our candy countdowns that we started on December 1st each year and let us know when Santa would be coming), it is something I'm finding myself quite intrigued by, for I know that I need to dig deep into my own heart and see myself and Christ more clearly. So, I will continue to dig into this thing called Advent as I seek to find and live out the true meaning and purpose of this Christmas celebration.

Check out this suggested prayer for the first day of Advent:

Lord God, I sense your power, your might and I stand in awe, painfully aware of how poor and weak I am before you. As I begin this Advent journey, teach me to turn to you in my fear and sorrow. I don't want to keep making my heart hard against you, turning a deaf ear to your invitation. Only you can help me to soften, to be like the clay in your gentle potter's hands.

"Why do you let us wanter, O Lord, from your ways, and harden our hearts so that we fear you not?" Isaiah 63

"Lord, make us turn to you; let us see your face and we shall be saved." Psalm 80

That I may see myself as I truly am and recognize my desperate need for Him. Blessings to you in this Christmas season...

wow

2006-12-15T23:39:00.000-08:00

ministry spotlight ~ riding for africa

2006-12-14T03:26:00.000-08:00

I ran across this through a friend of a friend of a friend's blog. There's a youth pastor that has committed to going everywhere by bike for 7 days. No car...period. He is doing so in order to raise support and awareness for what is going on in Africa, namely in Uganda. Any support he raises is going to Invisible Children which is a pretty cool non-profit organization working with the kids in Uganda who have been affected by the 20-year war. Anyways, I'm not trying to get you to dish out cash, but I would love for you to become more aware of the situation in Uganda. Check the links at the top of my blog under hopeisrampant. A new link will show up each time Dustin posts an update about his 7-day journey. If you want to access his updates directly, check out his hopeisrampant blog.

OK, it's way past my bedtime. Don't forget to pray for Rob and Leah! They've landed in the Middle East and have begun their journey of encouragement.

ministry spotlight ~ rob & leah

2006-12-12T21:44:00.000-08:00

Hey there, troopers! You might think I've been avoiding you, but in actuality, I have been attempting to be intentionally disciplined and purposeful. I've been striving to spend quality time with God and finish my work before playing on the computer, so please bare with me as I work out the kinks (it is not at all natural for me!).

I have some exciting missions news. Some friends, Rob & Leah, are on a plane as we speak (or perhaps they've arrived) to the Middle East on a quest to bring love and encouragement from Sandals Church to a couple of our brothers and sisters who are serving there (Derek and the Georges). They also intend to capture the lives of those individuals and the people they love and serve on film in order to bring their lives back to us in a vivid way. I'm excited! They will probably have updates and pictures on their blogs as they travel. I hope you will keep up with their journeys and pray for them along with me as they go. Leah asked that we pray for the following:

Safety
Peace as we travel in our own hearts and minds
That we would be such a blessing and refreshment to our precious brothers and sisters
That God would impact our lives in huge ways with this trip, and show us his will regarding us and missions
That this would be so much more than just a fun trip
That God would inspire us with ideas, stories, and creativity for our coffee table books (this is their plan for the photos)

Photo courtesy of kimmysun.

2006-12-06T23:52:00.000-08:00

I'm in a very mellow and reflective mood right now. It's the first time I've felt somewhat caught up with my teaching stuff and instead of filling my mind and time with people, TV, movies, internet...uhhh...or any other distractions, I'm just being still...trying to hear God. I've been looking through some of my journaling from several years back. I fell upon this paraphrase of Philippians 3:8. I loved it so much that I memorized it (along with the real verse, of course!). Check this out:

I eagerly give up all my prized possessions, I unhesitatingly forego the pleasure of my most intimate friendships, and without reservation, void all my greatest achievements for the amazing and priceless opportunity to intimately know, love, and serve my heavenly prince, Jesus Christ.

Wow...it looks like I need to set that one to memory again. I used to go over that in my mind over and over. He is all that I need. Do I believe that? If so, everything else pales in comparison. A couple years ago, I began to live like I believed that. I want to live like that again.

"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Philippians 3:7-9 NLT

what are you filling your mind with?

2006-12-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, I got this from Mike Lovato's blog. There's some real insight into our realities, huh!?

The rules are:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next four sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest!

This is sad. I've got all kinds of cool books within two feet, but sitting next to me on my desk is my new project: "Grammar Dimensions - Form, Meaning, and Use." Yes, I'm teaching the Verb Tense class in January, and I've got a lot to learn! Anyways, here goes...

Examples: My friend suggested that I drop out of school and work for a while. I'm not sure what I think about such an advice.
Correction: I'm not sure what I think about such advice.
(Advice is a noncount noun, so no article is used.)

Sorry, Chris, "English Grammar for the Utterly Confused" was just a little further away. And to think, we could have learned about fragment sentences!

ok, so...

2006-12-06T02:02:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I really like to start my blogs with, "Ok..." Either that or, "So..." I guess that's just me!

joy

2006-12-06T01:58:00.000-08:00

So I finally have time to do classroom observations (I was supposed to be trying to do them all semester!), and I've really enjoyed it...except for having to sit still for so long (this is only one of the many reasons I hate school!). In doing so, I've gotten to spend a lot of time with one of the teachers, and for me, it's been a real blessing.

I've realized that in this wonderful profession of teaching, it is tough to build real relationships. You interact with people, but it is difficult to attain any real level of depth. Students, well, of course there must be boundaries. You can love them, you can share about your lives with each other, but there are definitely lines. So of course, build relationships with the other teachers! When!? We rub shoulders walking across campus and in fun and exciting meetings. We even exchange ideas, strategies, advice. But when and how does it go beyond that to real relationships? This is so foreign to me! In all the other jobs I've had, relationships got real. We didn't just know each other in passing, but we walked along side each other. I miss that. I love people. This is rough for me. I love people. I love being real with people.

So, all that to say, it's been really fun for me to at least begin to see past the surface of one of the teachers and to get to share some real thoughts, struggles, laughs. ;) Also, in observing her class tonight, I realized how much fun teaching can be. I was drained (note aforementioned lack of sleep), but two seconds after she asked me to help work with some of the students, my face began to light up. In just a few minutes, I got to watch a few students 'get it,' I was asked at least 4 times which classes I'd be teaching in the future and if they could be in my class, I got several good laughs (don't worry, the students were laughing too!), and I had some real interaction. The next time they started a group activity, no request for my assistance was needed. I jumped up as quickly as I could and got up in there with the students. So many things about teaching drive me crazy, but when it all comes down, I love the actual teaching part. I had a blast tonight. I walked out of that room with a smile on my face and feeling refreshed. I'm blown away every time I step back and look at all the ways God built me, and then I consider where He's put me...He knew what He was doing.

obsession

2006-12-06T01:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, for those of you who were so anxious to find out, I am being intentional about the computer thing. Saturday night, midnight, I shut it down. It was quite tempting to just do "one more thing," but I'm getting sick of living in a world of exceptions. Sunday was such a blessing, and it just overflowed into yesterday. Now, when the heart finally becomes silent after running full speed ahead in whatever direction will fill time, it can be painful. Emotions, thoughts, and whatever else makes the stomach turn suddenly appear out of nowhere. So it was a little rough. However, I have not spent so much time with Him in far too long. Sunday, I was just hungry to be with Him because for once, I wasn't overwhelmed with distractions, yet my heart remained unsettled. Monday, something began stirring inside me, and I'm still not certain what it was, but it didn't feel good. What it did though, was drive me to Him...over and over and over. Good grief, my journal got warn out yesterday! But, by the time 4am came around (ya, that's when I actually finished my school prep after taking multiple breaks to pour myself out to Him because my stomach and my mind were running every which way!), I was filled with an awesome peace...finally. Today reflected that. Although I was functioning on a mere 4 hours of sleep, still had an impossible amount of stuff to finish before my classes, had an extra appointment before my classes (ya, those of you who know me know that I have a hard time getting anywhere on time, let alone earlier than on time!), and was planning to do classroom observations until 9pm, today was great and I just felt free. You know those moments where you finally feel like you can sing at the top of your lungs in your car? Ok, maybe you don't, but for me, that's what happens when my heart feels free. Is there a lot yet to be uncovered? Definitely, but man it feels good working my way back into His arms (Note: By working, I don't mean "works," but rather, making Him the priority that He should be and soaking in all the joys that come with acknowledging His constant presence.). Pray as that journey/battle continues and I attempt, once again, to learn some level of discipline and self-control.

2006-12-02T01:04:00.000-08:00

"Christ is a jewel more worth than a thousand worlds, as all know who have Him. Get Him, and get all; miss Him and miss all." ~Thomas Brooks

two convictions and a plea for accountability

2006-12-02T00:26:00.001-08:00

Today made me pooped. It wasn't bad, but it wore me out. Had fun with my 'kids' though. Then I got to go to my regular Friday deal and be challenged and encouraged. Sometimes I close my heart because I'm exhausted or I just don't want to deal with it, but tonight, I let God in. I listened and tried to respond as He led. I don't know that I heard everything He tried to say, weariness, laziness and distractions still interfered. Nonetheless, I met Him there and was both challenged to think about and change a few things, and encouraged by some listening ears that understood. One thing God challenged me with (and has been challenging me with) was the use of my (or should I say "His") time. Two things weighed really heavy on my heart.

First, quiet times, a.k.a. private worship, devotions, and many other things, I'm sure. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and longing for my time with Him to be more consistent and more authentic. This has not been a conviction of guilt, but rather a realization of need. I am hungry for Him, I want to be filled by Him, I am desperate for intimacy with Him. Yet I struggle. Other responsibilities sometimes tug at my time and attention, and other times, I'm just plain lazy. Why? I don't know. But I thought a lot tonight about those times with God - how to make them a priority (not just when there's time, but always), when I would be able to focus best, and what those times would/could consist of. I spend time with God...when I can, which for a procrastinator, is much less frequent than my heart and mind needs. So, I am going to fight for this. I want to start my day with Him. I want Him to be the center of my thoughts and my outlook for the day. I want to see His face and hear His voice as I cross paths with people and make choices with my time and other resources throughout each day. I want to have a constant conversation with Him, when I wake up, when I drive, when I walk, and even as I interact with others. I've been there before. I want to be there again.

So, God, it's You and me...every morning. Sometimes, I'll be late, and sometimes, I'll brush You off, but I know You'll still be waiting. Help me to show up too!

Second, I was very convicted about this darned computer. Computers and the internet are an incredible blessing. They open doors to information, to communication, and even to community and relationship. They are not the terrible monster that some make them out to be. They do, however, consume far too much of my time. Every time I hit the power switch, the rabbit chase begins. It's like going to WalMart! I go with one specific purpose, then I click on one thing that leads to another that leads to another. Or there's the moments where I have no need to be on it, but it's like it's calling out to me. What if there's a good email I haven't seen yet? What if someone posted something on their blog and I'm not totally caught up on their life when I see them? Or it gets worse... the times when I use the computer purely as a distraction, perhaps from a responsibility (as the procrastination sets in), or even worse, as a tool to numb the senses and avoid thought, reflection, introspection, and the accompanying emotions. Ok, so with the confession aside, what was the conclusion God set in my heart? Well, I have attempted a couple things to limit, or perhaps control, my overuse. First of all (and I have attempted this before, but I'm putting it out there so those of you who care enough can ask and hold me accountable), the computer is not to be touched before I've spent time with God. Again, not because I feel obligated or trapped by a rule or law, but because I know how desperately I need that time. Second, while I want to attempt to turn the computer off (ya, not standby so I can check it again before bed!) by 10 or 11pm, I want to draw the line at midnight (except on weekends! That's why now is ok!). So, again, if you want to hold me accountable, look at what time I post! (Dang, I'm getting myself into a heap of mess by telling all of you this! But I guess that's where I need to be, because holding myself accountable hasn't been working out too well.) Ok, finally, and I think this is huge, I need to take the Sabbath more seriously (thanks, Leah); therefore, there will be NO computer on Sundays. Whoa! That's crazy. Get this though, that means that all my prep for classes has to be done by Saturday night, or I've got to get up early (ya right!) on Mondays to finish it up. That's a hardcore commitment for me, but I've got to draw the line. What matters more - walking in intimacy with Him and having time to hear Him and be used by Him to serve others, or the benefits and joy I get from my computer? Ya, I'm drawing the line. When I fall on my face though, please love me, but don't let me get away with it! I fight hard, but don't let me be arrogant and self-righteous.

Ok, this was going to be brief (I say that with far too much frequency!), but I can't just share a line, I've got to give you the gory details! Thanks for walking with me. Thanks for letting me be real. And now on to my humble battle. Praise God He always wins, because if anything was based on my ability to do so, I'd be in sad shape. Much love! Peace.

another long, but good day

2006-12-01T00:32:00.000-08:00

I was gone all day teaching, observing, and Triple 7-ing. I got home around 10 and for the first time in...uhhh, maybe never...I didn't have any prep or grading to do...for tomorrow's class anyways. So I played around on my guitar for awhile and caught up with a couple friends, emails, and blogs. Now, I want to sleep...because I can and it's not 2...or 3...or 4am yet! But first (for Leah's sake ;), let me note a few highlights from today.

I accidentally discovered Dad had no lunch plans, so we both dropped everything for a quick, unexpected lunch date. Always a blessing.
I finally have time (2 weeks before the end of the semester!) to observe some of the full-time teachers and try to learn some new tricks. I got to observe/participate in two classes today, both of which I'll be teaching soon. I learned things in both, and even got a few laughs.
Somehow, I've become popular amongst the students of one of the classes I'm observing, so the teacher and I stuck around for awhile after class chatting with some of our faithful fans. It was fun, and I even learned more about grammar in the process! Did I ever mention that I love foreigners!? When it all comes down, I love that I get to spend my time with them everyday. What a blessing.
777. What is Triple 7, you ask? It started as a group of crazy guys, and now, there is also a group of crazy girls, and they're all learning to lay down everything to live for their Savior. Pretty awesome stuff. Bonnie just had to ask once and now, I get to spend every Thursday hanging with a handful of these women, and they're even willing to suffer through my guitar playing! I feel blessed and refreshed every week. I am so thankful that God lets me love on those women, be a part of their lives, and learn from them.

So now, it's almost 1am, an hour earlier than my normal bedtime, and I'm fixin' to hit the sack (sorry, got a spurt of southern flowin' through me!). I hope you all are having a great week. I'm looking forward to an awesome Friday. I hope my eyes are open to what He wants me to see tomorrow.

Much love! Peace.

fun encounter

2006-11-29T01:59:00.000-08:00

Oh ya, I forgot to mention... At the end of the class I observed, one of the students approached me, determined to take one of the my classes in the future. Prior to this, we had not spoken, but she had eavesdropped on a conversation I was having with another student/acquaintance. We discussed the classes I'd be teaching and she asked me my name several times. When I asked hers, I was perplexed. Usually, when it comes to cute asians, I can make fairly accurate speculations as to their origin based on appearance, accent, and if necessary, name. Yet with this one, I was unsure. So being the nosy and direct person that I am, I asked. Imagine my astonishment when she said Vietnam! So, in order to make her equally astonished (and perplexed), I quicly responded in Vietnamese! The look on her face was priceless. It was part smile, part confusion, part shock, and a little more confusion. She didn't really know what to say. Some odd noises came out as her jaw remained momentarily dropped. I love that kind of shock. She was giddy with excitement and even more determined at this point that we would meet again because she would most definitely be taking some of my classes. Fun stuff. She was cute.

I also got the pleasure of having a real conversation with a sweet German student I've met on several occasions around campus. On top of that, I got to catch up with a precious woman who I first met when I was working in Admissions. I helped her add a class...that I happened to be taking too, so we got to hang out for three hours everyday last summer learning English grammar. She's a sweety and just makes me smile.

Did I say it was a good day? Ya, it was.

a typical day

2006-11-29T01:17:00.001-08:00

Hmm...long day, but good. I had my morning class, as usual. The first great thing was all the great reactions I got to my hair when I walked in. I love those students! They're fun. The second great thing - I walked out after class feeling like I'd accomplished something. Those are always good days. I feel a connection with the students, I feel like they're getting it, and we even laugh and have fun. Those are the moments I understand why God made me a teacher.

Tuesdays are my long days. I have my extra class - Prepositions. I would be perfectly content to never, ever teach this class again. My hope is that I will not have to. Every Monday night I realize how deeply I despise the class (not the students, just the content...and the fact that I only see the students once a week so I hardly know them). Nonetheless, today was fun. After brainstorming with my roommates for awhile last night, we determined that the most fun and educational thing I could do in class today was to have the students do skits. So we did the normal routine - a quiz, then homework review - then they worked together on their skits. It was fun actually being able to interact with the individuals in each group, which is a rarity because this class is so brief. So that was a blessing.

To make my typical Tuesday longer, I stayed to observe my mentor teacher (she is teaching one of the classes I'll be teaching in the Spring...and today I met some of the students I'll have in that class...shh...don't tell them they're not going to pass her class!). It was a blessing though to be there. I was encouraged to be reminded that she and I have very similar teaching styles, but also recognized many ways in which I could improve my teaching. It was also refreshing to talk with her after the class for awhile.

Hmm...from there, I've basically been procrastinating. It is now 1:12am and I still need to prepare for tomorrow's class. So, with that said, I will going. I was just going to leave a quick message, but I guess this gives you a picture of a day in my life, which is the title of this blog, right!? Ok, so what I originally wanted to say was... Go check out Carlos Whittaker's blog if you haven't already. Yesterday, they brought home Losiah, a baby they've been trying to adopt from Korea for two years. It made me cry, but it's precious and exciting. If you want to see the journey, click on "Adoption" to the right and you'll find a collection of videos. Ok, I think it's finally homework time or I won't get any sleep tonight! God bless.

chop chop

2006-11-28T01:34:00.000-08:00

So for uhhh...maybe 6 months...maybe longer, I've been talking about chopping my hair off. Apparently, Chris was getting sick of it, so for my birthday, she told me my birthday gift would be a haircut. So...a month and a half later, it was finally time. But I hate doing things by myself, so we went all out. Check out the new do's.

Rissy...ooh, sexy (it really is much shorter than it looks)
Sixy...ya, sexy again
Chris...look at those spiffy little flips

And....

Are you ready for this???

It's coming...

ME! Ooh baby...

Or this one?

And just in case we weren't having enough fun yet, here's what I might look like on a bad hair day. Freaky, huh!?

And with too much gel...

But seriously, we're cute, aren't we!?

Thanks, Chris! I'd still be talking about it next year if it weren't for you! I guess now, my birthday is officially over. This might be a record for how long I've made it last! Thank you, God, for the most amazing birthday months I've ever had. You've done amazing things, and I stand in awe.

back in the saddle again (imagine me in a cowboy hat, chillin' on a horse, open fields all around me)

2006-11-27T01:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was confronted tonight at church by Leah about not blogging enough. See, Leah and I don't see each other much. Sundays at Sandals, to be exact...and only on Sundays when we are not consumed in other conversations or responsibilities and we actually touch base with each other. I find that most of these encounters with Leah are encouraging, uplifting, challenging, or thought-provoking, so they are definitely a good thing. But they are rare. So when I asked Leah if blogging was a Christ-like behavior that I needed to be more disciplined in (as I've been struggling with making His priorities my priorities and being disciplined in the things that matter to Him), she said, "Jenelle..." Ok, let's be honest. It's 1am and I'm bad with details, so I don't remember precisely what she said, but it was along the lines of desiring community and doing life together, knowing what's going on and how people are doing. And that hit me. People. People are what matter to me. Apart from God, nothing matters more. Why do I read blogs? Because I love knowing how people are doing, what they're thinking about, what's inspiring or discouraging them. I love walking with them even when the busyness of our lives won't allow it.

So, to the faithful few who do read my ramblings, I apologize for being distant. There have been many times I've thought of you (whoever you are!), even times when I've taken pictures or video just for your sake. But, being the perfectionist that I am, I always want to produce something worth reading, something worthy of your time. Although I write to share my life, I also hope that I write to bring glory to God. I hope that my writing - my life - inspires, challenges, and encourages those who give up minutes of their day, and brings glory to the one who we should be living every moment of our day for. So I do not want to just put words on a screen. I want to suck up your minutes in glory to HIm. So if the words serve only to take you to your knees in prayer for me or something I've written, then praise be to Him. If those words help you to see that you are not walking alone because someone else shares your struggles, then the glory is His. But God help me to never just put words on the screen. I know how many of His minutes in my life are wasted each day soaking up words and other distractions. None of us need more distractions; we all need more things that point us to Him, in whatever way that may be.

On that note and without any more rambling, I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately. I've never met anyone that wouldn't be blessed by spending more time in prayer. I have been convicted lately of how desperately I need to walk in intimacy with Him. I want my life and my thoughts to be a constant flow of prayer. Now I have to make my priorities match that desire. So, this is something I'm aiming for each morning before I start my day. Pray for me because I suck at discipline and I suck and consistency, but man, I want to know Him more deeply and I want my heart to be more like His. I read a quote the other day that Bob Pierce, founder of World Vision, wrote on the inside of his Bible - "Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God." I long for that. I believe it will only come through constant prayer. Pray for me to fight that battle each morning and throughout the day.

P.S. Thank you, Leah, for wanting to walk alongside me.
P.S.S. If you read this thing, leave me a comment and let me know you're out there! I want to know who you are!

JC's girls girls girls

2006-10-28T16:56:00.001-07:00

There is a ministry at Sandals that makes me very proud to call it my church. There was a woman in our church who was a stripper. After God changed her life, she realized there were a lot of women (and men) in that industry that are dying on the inside and need the love of Christ. She felt a burden to meet that need, and thus began the vision for JC's Girls. The girls in this ministry, sometimes referred to as the Holy Hotties, and the leadership of our church have received a lot of criticism from a lot of people. These precious women that are going into the unreached places and giving everything to reach broken people with the hope of Christ have been called things that I won't repeat here. But God is working through them and changing lives. It is amazing to hear some of the stories. It is such a blessing to look down into the chairs at Sandals and see women that would be cast aside or asked to leave many churches...but to see them loved, accepted, and welcomed at Sandals, because they need the love, forgiveness, and hope of Christ as much or more than many. God is working through some amazing women who have chosen to be obedient and stick themselves out there despite the risks. Check out some of these responses that came from a documentary about them that was shown in the UK (and here are a few more). I was very encouraged. I hope you are too. Pray for these girls. They are not fighting an easy battle.

angels gettin' crazy

2006-10-25T03:21:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I was talking with a friend today about how I sometimes struggle with teaching ESL because there are more important things in the world than getting your commas in the right place, knowing the difference between an adjective and an adverb, and understanding subject-verb agreement. I love that I get to be surrounded by people from around the world nearly everyday of the week. I love that they love learning (most of them). I love that I get to challenge, inspire, motivate, and equip them, and who knows what they'll do with those skills later. But really, in the grand scheme of things, who really cares if they can write a good paragraph!? Sometimes I struggle to motivate myself to "waste" time learning the grammar or figuring out creative ways to teach it when I am constantly thinking about the bigger picture. I want to live for more. I want to give people hope. I want to see people come alive. So, my friend who was totally digging what I said, gave me a great pep talk on how I'm making a difference. Ooh yay, somebody thinks it matters...but still... It's not that what I do doesn't matter or isn't important, but I want more!

Well, apparently, God was listening to my plea for greater purpose. One really cool conversation (the listening ear from above), was followed by another, and yet another. With a few friends, we spoke of all the craziness in the world (namely Uganda and Sudan), why it matters to care about all that, and how we could make a difference. I'd say that's inspiring. I leave that office and crash into a couple other friends. We got to talk about Ramadan and fasting. Again, a conversation that made a couple of the individuals really think about some things...myself included. Then, trying to go home once again (those of you who have ever tried to leave somewhere with me know how ineffective that can be when I run into people!), I encountered some long, lost Vietnamese friends. I stopped to catch up for a moment, which turned into almost a two-hour conversation. It went all over the place, but we talked about God, Christianity, and Buddhism for quite awhile. Wow, wasn't even trying. But get this, none of that even compares to what's coming...

I get home and Chris Chris comes to visit. See, God's been tugging at her heart for awhile now. She has all but given herself to Him for a couple months. She adjusted her life's path in order to follow Him and serve people for Him. She started letting go of things that were not of Him. He has been rearranging her way of thinking, doing incredible work in her heart...telling her daily, "I want you. I'm waiting for you." She's told me countless times in the last few weeks, "I want to live for Him. I want to be His." Yet something was holding her back. Today, she finally said she couldn't even figure out what her excuse was. What it came down to was the fear of 'no turning back.' She knows He won't let go. After some time, some thinking, some praying, some more time, some more praying...she said, "I want to jump." So jump I did...on Riss and Six who were sleeping. They came in to join us during the first minute (12:01 a.m.) of Wednesday, October 25, as Chris prayed and handed her life over to Christ...completely..."marked in Him with a seal" and now "God's possession" (Ephesians 1:13-14). Freedom...finally, freedom... Beauty, righteousness, purpose, identity, unconditional love, worthiness, no more shame...all through Him. Praise God!

"You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed."
(Psalm 139:16)

Happy Birthday Chris Chris!!
Wednesday, October 25, 12:01 a.m.

P.S. I was trying to find a picture of angels celebrating. The picture up top was the best I could do! But hey, it might look something like that up there!!

the house saga... part iv

2006-10-22T17:50:00.001-07:00

Dare I say that my parents' house has sold!? It appears as though God is answering the prayers of many in very cool ways (as He often does). There was a family in need of a home to own, with all the financial resources and no restraints...and their good friends live up the street from my parents. Papers have been signed and they are in escrow to soon become neighbors! So, as far as we can tell, God is answering the prayers of my parents, and at the same time, meeting the needs of this other family that desperately needs to own a home. (Brief Insight: They are trying to adopt a child from Russia and one of the requirements is to own a home. The Case Worker visited the house last week, and it seems their on their way to having a new daughter by the end of this year. What a blessing to them and to my parents!)

Please continue to pray for my parents as they work out all the details and get everything packed up (again!). The plan is to move them up to Arrowhead on November 4. Let's see what God has in store this time around! (This is the new place.)

Oh, and please lift up the family (Jared & Jennifer) that was unable to buy the house. God didn't put them in my parents' life on accident. Pray that they would know how to be a blessing. Pray for the family as they discover what God has in store for them.

living a little more or dying a little bit

2006-10-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

Each moment of our existence, we are either growing into more or retreating into less. We are either living a little more or dying a little bit. ( Brennan Manning - The Ragamuffin Gospel)

It's interesting that the word "retreating" is used. I checked out dictionary.com, one of my new favorite websites, and found these definitions:

re·treat [ree-treet]
The act or process of withdrawing into safety or privacy, especially from something hazardous, formidable, or unpleasant.
The process of going backward or receding from a position of condition gained.
A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude.
An asylum, as for the insane
Pull back or move away or backward
Move back
Make a retreat from an earlier commitment or activity

I especially like #4, but somehow feel its relevance here is lacking. So we'll focus on the others. When I think of retreating, I think of running away or moving backwards, especially within the context of this quote and how I live my life. Now, there is a positive form of retreat. It is necessary to step back from life, to enjoy solitude, to withdraw...sometimes. There are healthy ways of doing this. In fact, it is commanded that we do it...once a week, take a day of rest.

I fail to do this most of the time. I retreat, but not good retreat. I spend so much of my time from day-to-day retreating (a.k.a. running away, hiding, moving back from responsibilities). Then all of those responsibilities still remain when it comes time to truly retreat. So, I think I accurately fit the mold for retreating into less.

This has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I finish so many days and feel it's been wasted. A little time doing this, a little time doing that, adds up to a whole bunch of time doing nothing that matters. Guilt over that weighs on me almost daily, but I've never been able to state it so precisely. I have spent far too much time retreating into less. I want to spend each moment of my existence growing into more. I want to be intentional with each moment. I want my little things - little choices about my time, about my priorities, etc. - to be edifying, to cause growth, in myself and others.

God, help me to be intentional. Teach me to grow into more...to live a little more each moment of my life. Help me not to be dead although I live.

long time, no blog

2006-10-19T00:02:00.001-07:00

For my few faithful readers, I apologize for the lag in blogs. This is the first time in...well, I don't know if it's happened yet...that I've finished preparing for the next day's class(es) before midnight! I debated for a moment over writing or going to bed, but I couldn't help myself. Today was fun.

First, my students made me happy. I got to congratulate them today. I've been struggling with them. They haven't been where they should be. I've debated over whether it's me or them, or maybe something else. So I've been pushing them, challenging them, and motivating them with pop quizzes. But this week, they impressed me. We're finishing up what was supposed to be the most difficult chapter for students at this level, and they have done better than I've ever seen them do. They are getting it!! It's amazing. It's exciting. I told them I wasn't sure if it's because they're actually studying like they're supposed to now or if they just became brilliant all of a sudden. Or perhaps I'm figuring out a thing or two about how to teach them more effectively. My mom thinks it's a combination. Nonetheless, it's fun to see them doing well and understanding in a way that will allow them to actually use the language they're supposed to be learning. It was fun to see their smiles when I told them I was proud too. After class, a quick visit with mom turned into lunch with her and Tracy...also enjoyable.

When I arrived home, the stress was lighter than usual. Tomorrow's our first in-class write, so I didn't need to prepare a lecture, a quiz, activities, a PowerPoint, overheads...blah blah blah. I felt FREE!! It was nice. So I was excited when Chris Chris called and wanted to take me (well, technically, I guess I took her since she doesn't have a car!) to watch the sunset from the top of Mt. Rubidoux. This doesn't seem like a huge thing, but in all my years here, I've only been up the mountain once, and that was for sunrise...very, very early in the morning! Chris was excited because it was so windy today, which means the sky was nice and clear (plus, I think she knows how much I love being outside and probably knew a break in God's beauty would do me some good). So it was exciting to actually be able to say yes because I wasn't overwhelmed with school!

Being my normal self, of course we were late. We got to see the sunset as we walked up the mountain! But we had fun at the top for a moment, looking out over the city and enjoying the fresh air. I think Chris almost got blown off the mountain at one point, but we survived, and even made our way back down in the dark. I think Chris even saw her first star in Riverside. ;) It was a nice "get-away." Thanks, Chris.

on the way up

keep walkin' (Can you guess who's who?)

I told you the wind almost blew her off! (Look closely; she's holding onto the cross!)

hmm...(um, I guess you can check out the lip. Several of you have been asking about its progress. Not too shabby, huh!?)

Riverside...the good 'ole 951 (RCC's just to the right)

God's cool colors (no, it's not blurry; it was windy!)

Then, as if I hadn't had enough fun, Six let me attack her (with love, of course) when we got home. Isn't she cute!?

Phase 1 of the attack (no worries; it appears that Sixy is A-OK!)

Phase...I dunno, maybe, uhhh...6? The Not So Great Escape

Phase...The End...she still seems to be doing OK

Phase...Really The End...I think she's chet roi (yes, that's my floor she's sleeping on!). Good night, Sixy.

I am frequently reminded of how blessed I am to have people in my life that truly love me - when I'm up, when I'm down, when I'm not all I should be, when they see what I could be.

the house saga...part III

2006-10-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

Well, sorry I have vanished from the blog world temporarily. I determined that if I could not sleep, I could not blog...and not having gotten enough sleep for...well, for awhile, I have had to steer clear of my blog. It has been difficult at times, as I have had so many things rolling around in my head that I wanted to put on paper...but another time, I guess.

So, to keep in step with the rule (no sleep, no blog), I should probably not be blogging now. However, there is something I would like my few faithful readers to lift up in prayer. You may recall the news about my parents' home and their upcoming move. Well, apparently, that wasn't God's plan...or perhaps, just not His timing. Some things fell through that were out of my parents' hands and now they are caught in the frustrating inbetween, not knowing if they're moving or not moving or when or how or...you get the picture. I think the most frustrating and draining part for them right now is the unknown, not knowing which direction to move, so instead, feeling slightly paralyzed.

Please pray for wisdom for both of them. Pray for willingness to listen and obey even if it may not be what they'd hoped for. Pray that God would speak loudly when He does so that there is no question about their next step...not that He would reveal the whole path, but that they would know with certainty where to place their foot next...as it is currently hovering over an unknown. Pray for patience as they wait as well. And pray for joy...that they would find joy in knowing that the God that they are waiting for to show them the way, is the same God who is in control of every moment. Also, please lift up the family who had set their hopes on buying my parents home. As far as we understand, they are facing an unexpected financial hardship.

Thanks for praying as you're led. I'm excited to see what He has planned. I know it's good. It's always good. Now for that sleep my body's been longing for... God bless!

10 things I love about teaching ESL (not in any particular order)

2006-10-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

hearing some of these things: "That's why you're a good teacher, because you work so hard," "Writing is a boring subject, but I'm learning without boring!" "When I talk to my family about school, I always tell them about you," "I wish this class was longer...no, it should still meet everyday, but it should be longer," "I know I should be in a higher class, but I'm glad to be in this class because I met you," "I'm not a good writer in my language either, but maybe after this class, I will write well in English at least," "I know I take too many classes, but I want to learn English so bad so I can be a missionary," "I'm sorry I dropped your class. I didn't have money for the books. But can I still come sometimes to listen?," "You can't do everything, Jenelle. We have to work hard too," and post-its on turned-in assignments that say, "I hope you have a good weekend, Jenelle."
seeing the look of confusion on their faces the first time I said, "Pop Quiz!" turn to horror when I explained that "Pop means SURPRISE!"...then again when I said, "Times up! Pencils down." (ya, there will be LOTS more pop quizes to come!)
getting notes from the tutoring center and getting 3, 4, and 5 drafts because they want so badly to learn
students yelling and waving me down from across campus just to say hi
asking how they're doing when I come into the classroom and getting genuine answers because they know I care
students waiting around everyday after class to talk to me...sometimes to ask questions, sometimes to share concerns, and other times, just to talk
asking "Did you guys have any problems with the homework?" and getting bombarded with questions because they actually did the work and are trying so hard to understand it better, and asking for examples and having so many shout them out that I can't distinguish them
learning grammar (ya, I know, it's nerdy. But hey, if you're going to do something, you should do it well. It's cool knowing I actually understand things better and can better explain them to nonnative speakers who are hungry to learn.)
jumping on the table, crawling under things, doing crazy things all over the classroom so they'll have an image in their minds of all those darned prepositions!
watching their faces go from "Huh?" to "Ah ha!" and watching the fear and terror about performing in English subside after giving them confidence that they can do it

have I ever told you that I'm sorry?

2006-10-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

It sucks when you screw up badly and it doesn't just hurt you, but it hurts the people around you. It sucks when you think if you just try hard enough, you can make it ok, but you can't. I heard this song this morning...and have been listening to it over and over since. I've heard it many times before, but it just hit me this time. There are a few people in my life that need to hear these words from me. We all have junk inside of us that gets in the way even when we try our best to love people. I hope God will change what's inside of me...because I can't. I hope I'll be humble enough to let Him do that.

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry it didn't work out
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I walked out
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I didn't think about
How it was gonna make you feel

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry I wasn't honest
We don't know how these lies are gonna come back to haunt us
Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I broke my promise
That I made to you

But I believed it was right for me (for you)
Or at least it seemed so at the time
But reality got the best of me
And I guess (know) I lost my mind

Have I ever told you that I'm sorry that I forgot
Just how hard I said I'd try I thought I did but I guess not
Have I ever told you that I I've been thinkin' about this
Quite an awful lot

But I believed it was right for me (and you)
Or at least it seemed so at the time
But reality got the best of me
And I guess (know) I lost my mind

Have I ever told you that I love the way you've turned out
Have I ever told you that I've been watching and
I'm so proud Have I ever told you that I'm still trying to figure out
What's inside of me

But I believe there is hope for me
And it's gonna take some time
There's a God who sees what's inside of me
And I know He can change my mind

(Lyrics by FFH)

10 things I've discovered I hate about teaching ESL (in no particular order)

2006-10-02T16:27:00.001-07:00

lesson planning and grading...until all hours of the night...every night
learning grammar in order to teach it (knowing how to use it well doesn't mean you have any idea why it works that way!)
overhead and lcd projectors that either aren't there when they're supposed to be or don't work when they are there (for those of you who were wondering, an overhead projecter is really just a bright light when it won't focus!)
figuring out what in the world my students gave me because after about 6 lectures on the topic and numerous examples, they still don't quite comprehend the concept of headers (papers without the assignment written on them are pretty common, but from time to time even get things without names...these are adults!)
explaining something for the um-teenth time, not because they don't understand, but because they don't listen
asking, "Does everybody understand? Does anybody have any questions?", getting absolute silence (and no, they're not shy), then students acting like they've never heard what I'm talking about the next time it comes up
lecturing about grammar that doesn't make sense (or that does make sense, but is far too complicated to explain at my students' comprehension levels)
accepting late work (this one is about to stop..."No exceptions" is quickly becoming one of my favorite expressions)
making photocopies...LOTS of photocopies (300 just today!)...the broken copy machines...the lines to use the copy machine when it is working...and copying 300 things and making other teachers wait in line while I figure out how the copy machine works (I may know how to do just about anything with a computer, but a copy machine!? those things are crazy!)
the crusty edges on paper torn out of notebooks (sure it decorates the apartment...and my teacher bag, but really, who wants that kind of decoration!?)...next time, it's a zero, kids!

Have no fear...that's not the end of the story. To be continued...

undeserved

2006-10-01T02:31:00.001-07:00

Right now, I feel overwhelmed by two things: 1) Exhaustion (but that's pretty normal for me), and 2) Gratitude for precious friends that I don't deserve. Yesterday, I was feeling consumed, growing incredibly discouraged, feeling trapped by several things. The more I sat and thought, the more discouraged I grew. But Paula called and asked if she could come watch a movie. Paula, thanks for just being here when I need someone around with a smile on their face.

When she left, I began to sink back down into my previous pit once again. Knowing that would not be good, I began chatting with Mina who I knew would listen to me, then encourage me, then challenge and pray for me. Two hours later, I knew that was a wise choice. Thank you, Mina, for your amazing heart and for always encouraging me toward the path I need to be on, often struggling toward that same path yourself.

Then today, I got to be Chris' schofer for her dreaded GRE. She was thoughtful enough to schedule it in Colton, my lovely hometown. So as I waited in a nearby Starbucks with the intention of grading and planning for my classes, I decided instead to call Donna, a long lost friend from high school who I love dearly, but see rarely. She was spaztic as usual when I called and was quick to set aside her day of relaxation and hop in the car to come join me. As we shared about what God's been doing in our lives and then poured out our war stories from teaching, I was greatly encouraged. I was given hope for some of my "problem children" as she shared of her many bouts and victories with her "problem children" (she teaches 7th and 8th grade English...it's amazing how many of the same issues we've confronted in our classrooms considering her's are teenagers and mine are full-grown adults, and hers are native speakers and mine are not...kind of humorous if you ask me). In addition to encouragement and inspiration, she also brought an abundance of much needed laughter (for those of you who don't know her, she's a nut...very much a unique individual). Thank you, Donna, for just being you. I look forward to learning more from you.

Surprisingly, the day kept encouraging me. Chris and I got to have a heart to heart, laugh, cry, and just love on each other. God's got cool plans for her life, we're just not sure what they are. It's fun to watch her grow and learn to trust though. I'm excited to see what He'll do in and through her over the coming months. I am convinced it's going to be pretty amazing. Thanks, Chris, for being real with me...even though it hurts sometimes. You've challenged me in many ways and put so many smiles on my face. Thanks for letting me walk this road with you.

Then we got to go to dinner with Yukai. Yukai...Yukai...crazy big/little Chinese brother. You just make me smile. (And was able to observe that Paula is equally as reserved in Chinese as she is in English...interesting insight!) And, because Yukai wanted some Pho, I got two huge hugs from my favorite Vietnamese restaurant owner, Lai, and had a fun chat with her husband too, while eating some incredibly delicious Pho Bo (that is, beef rice noodle soup)...mmm mmm good...

Then, for a cherry on top, I came home to an email from a dear friend who I don't deserve to have. We had a brief time to get to know each other several years back, and somehow, God knit us together and she's been a blessing to me then and since even though we've spent most of our friendship in different countries. Thank you, Cresta, for your prayers, your transparency, and your unconditional love for me.

I am blessed. I don't know why. I certainly don't deserve it. I've screwed up too many times, I haven't made the time I should to call or spend quality time, I've said things I shouldn't, I've acted selfishly, I've failed everyone God's placed in my life. But He continues to use them to help me to see Him. I often don't recognize the blessing; I don't notice all the gifts He's placed around me. But, God, thank you for putting people in my life that help me to see how much YOU love me.

tick, tick, tick

2006-09-30T09:47:00.001-07:00

I read this this morning: "When the wheels of a clock move within, the hands on the dial will move without." (William Secker) When God is working on the inside, that will be visible in our service and love on the outside. I knew that. It's nothing new. But it's a cool picture. It's like I keep trying to make the hands on the clock go around just right...tick to the right beat, tell the right time. But the whole time, the devices on the inside aren't working right. So I spend all my time correcting the hands, moving them to the right place, trying to keep them moving because they're just not doing what they're supposed to. No wonder I don't have time to let God be my source of everything...to run to Him, to be filled by Him, to know Him deeply. I spend so much of my time trying to be a repairman (woman?), then the little that's left just trying to take care of responsibilities...all of which I would handle much more effectively and efficiently if I was paying more attention to my insides and less attention to my oustides. Hmmm... Tick, tick, tick...

mission impossible: night vision

2006-09-28T20:09:00.001-07:00

We were challenged once again at Sandals on Sunday about our mission and our vision. Here are more of my thoughts. I will only answer a couple questions that really hit the spot. I am remaining brief(er?) out of respect for all the precious nonnative English speakers that read this (they're sacrificing hours of their lives just to keep up with me!). Let the reflections begin...

How many rejections are you willing to experience in order to hear just one person say, "Thank you for loving me into His Kingdom?"

Really, for me, the issue isn't the fear of rejection or even a willingness to sacrifice to show people His love through me. That's a lot of what I live for. I love people. I love loving them. I love giving myself for them. And I love when they see Him through me, because of me. I love sharing His hope; it changes lives. Sharing, risking, that is not my obstacle.

My obstacle is me, not the people I need to love. I have every desire and intention to love them with everything in me, to love unconditionally, to share hope and Truth whenever I can. But here's the problem: We need love in order to give love. He showers His love on us. There is never a shortage. My obstacle, my struggle, is that I fail to go to Him as my source of all that. Have I said this before? Ya, I think I say it a lot. But that's the bottom line, really. I can't give myself to others unless I am giving myself to Him completely first. Every time, without fail, I fall short. I pour myself out until I am empty.

And for crying outloud, they don't need me! They need Him!! I need to stop giving myself. I need to stop giving my love. That will never be enough. And even worse, it's destructive. When I am giving me, I begin seeking things that fill me. And none of them fill me enough. I seek things that hurt me and hurt others in an attempt to fill the emptiness from pouring myself out. All the while, God is sitting there wondering how I could possibly overlook His unending supply of everything I need. And still, I seek it elsewhere. This is my struggle. I need to be filled by Him.

My efforts to love others for Him cannot begin when I encounter the many precious people around me that need His love. The battle, the journey, must begin in my heart, in my priorities, in my understanding and acceptance of His incomprehensable love and grace...that is my obstacle.

The final question for discussion: What would He want me to begin doing today in order to be the hope that others are searching for?

I must once again begin living as though He is the hope that I am searching for! In my priorities, in my thoughts, He must come before all; He must be all.

This is not as brief as I intended, but it is progress. Until next time...

stumbling along

2006-09-25T20:34:00.001-07:00

This gets me every time. "A thousand times," doesn't even begin to capture it, and I am I will most certainly "stumble again." I need that "grace" in large supply. And if there is any hope at all, I need to master "the art of losing myself" in Him.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains

And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

In my heart and my soul
Lord, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

(Lyrics by Hillsong United)

"DuaLeo" what!?

2006-09-21T02:54:00.001-07:00

You may be asking, as many do, what in the world is a 'dualeo'!? Well, first, for your sake and mine, it's pronounced 'you-uh-lay-oh' (trust me, I've heard many an interesting concoction that are nowhere close, but quite amusing, nonetheless). Second, to it's origin. 'Dua-leo' is the Vietnamese word for 'cucumber'. While the Vietnamese aspect is often quickly understood by those who know me well, there is typically much confusion as to the relevance of the word 'cucumber'. Where does it come from? Why this word?

It may be difficult to comprehend, but to many a Vietnamese person, the word 'dua-leo' carries a very strong resemblance in pronunciation to my name, Jenelle. Ya, tough to chew, I know, but trust me, it is a pretty accurate observation on their part when their unique pronunciation of 'Jenelle' is taken into consideration. So, for many of my friends who struggled to remember such an odd and foreign name, simply remembering 'cucumber' helped their tongues to grab a hold of my name and not sense that awkardness of, "Dang, I know I know you. We're pretty tight. But what the heck is your name!?" This beautiful word salvaged many from embarassment. And, due to it's uniqueness and apparent randomness, as people continually nagged me to adopt a Vietnamese name (mind you, names such as 'Rose' and 'Flower' were always high on the list of suggestions!), I decided this one fit me perfectly. And so to this day, to many, I am DuaLeo.

P.S. I love Larry the Cucumber!
P.P.S. My favorite snack in Vietnam was dua leo (cucumber) and muoi tieu chanh (salt, pepper, lime). Sounds simple, but let me tell ya...

Mission Impossible...or is it?

2006-09-19T23:23:00.001-07:00

I decided I need to be more transparent on here. I have no problem sharing struggles or joys with people, as long as I don't have to share the specifics. So I'm hoping to change that a bit. These are discussion questions from Sunday's message at Sandals. We're doing a series called Mission Impossible. Anyways, I decided I needed to think on some of the things discussed, then thought it would be interesting to share my thoughts. So here are a few...

Think of a time when you were NOT invited to a function, a party, or an event. How did it make you feel?

It's amazing. Even when I don't have any desire to attend something, I feel rejected if I'm not invited. I get bummed out and can't figure out what to do with myself. I just bum around aimlessly. What always astonishes me though, is that if I am invited and decline, I feel so much freedom. I feel like the world is mine and I can accomplish anything.

Some Small Groups are going to go to public places just to practice talking to people and starting conversations. Would you be willing to do this?

It seems odd at first thought, but really, that's what I do a lot of the time. Somehow, in college, I realized that people mattered...even seemingly unimportant people. I determined to do what I could to make people smile, to make them feel loved. It's funny, my dad has commented so many times lately at how odd it is that he's starting conversations with complete strangers ( i.e. cashiers, waitresses, other customers wherever we are). We kind of giggle because it would have been so unnatural and out of the question for him a few years ago. But now, it happens without him realizing it. We grin at each other because he knows how proud I am.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best, rate yourself on how well you've done talking to others about JC. What practical improvements do you think you could make?

Maybe a 5. I probably do it more than a lot of people, but not nearly as much as I should. Although I go out of my way to talk to people and be genuine with them, I don't always take the conversations where I could. I've realized recently that my conversations used to be a lot more focused on the person I was talking to and on encouragement and uplifting challenges. Those conversations were refreshing, and they nearly always led to Truths about Him. Now, however, I seem to just spew out whatever thoughts and emotions are on my mind. Sometimes those aren't so bad, while other times, I walk away and think, "Dang, that was just down right discouraging."

All that to say, I need to be more intentional about my conversations. They don't need to be about me, unless what I share would be encouraging to the people listening. I've found that when He's the center of my universe and my focus is on Him first, then on others and their needs, He becomes the center of many conversations quite naturally. So, step 1: Make Him my center. Step 2: Watch Him pour out of me.

Is anyone exempt from following the great commission (going, teaching, and baptizing)?

I don't necessarily think that the GC demands that everyone go...at least not far. I do believe that He has called every believer to His mission. But that has many folds. There are those that sow, those that reap. I also believe there are those that pray. I know a few individuals who have never left US soil, but their prayers have aided work around the globe and moved hearts closer to Him, and their hearts, attitudes, and words have inspired others to go. Some of those who have never 'gone' have done more for His mission than those who have gone to the ends of the earth. I believe we have all been commanded to play a role, to have a heart and a vision for His global purpose. I don't believe that looks the same for each of us.

Try to recall a time when you were in a situation and you knew that He was giving you an opportunity to talk to someone about JC. What happened? How did you respond?

As far as I can remember, when He says talk (or go, or do), I generally do so. It seems much wiser than making my own plans. In this type of situation, I don't think obedience is my obstacle. Rather, I often struggle distinguishing between His voice and my emotions. Sometimes I wish there was a blinking sign in front of me. But then, there are so many things He has explicitly said do, and I struggle to do. Maybe He's waiting to speak more clearly until I prove than I am willing to be obedient to what I've already heard. Something to ponder...

What do you feel is one of your most effective methods for communicating to others about JC? Why?

Living it. Loving people. When we live like He's told us to, when we set our priorities as He's called us to, we begin to overflow with Him. As I said, the conversations just come because people ask.

What is your least effective way?

Debates, arguments. I get too worked up. I like to win. But it's not my job to win. It's my job to share love and hope. So in those situations develop, my priorities and focus get out of wack. Not incredibly effective...or loving.

Actually, I have to add to that... I suck at trying to be everything to people for His sake. He doesn't need me! I don't have enough to give! My heart may be right, my desire for people to see Him through me...until I'm empty, and I begin failing them left and right, and my selfishness and brokenness win out...then I just make a mess...in fact, sometimes I think I do more damage than good for His name. That's all when I'm living on my own strength and lose sight of Him. That's probably the least effective way for me...and all of us, really.

What can you do to become a better communicator to others about JC?

Get my priorities straight and allow Him to be the focus of everything in me. Ya, it's a simple thing...YA RIGHT! Seriously though, it all flows from my walk with Him. If that's not growing, if I'm not leaning on Him and growing from His Word, it doesn't matter what comes out of my mouth.

Love is the core of His message to us. If we don't share with others, how does this mean that we don't love them enough?

People are looking for hope, looking for meaning. Living for Him, walking with Him, that is what we were built for. He is the only answer to those needs, those desires, those longings. Anything else we try to give, any other way we try to love, will only fall short and disappoint.

Hurray for Lois!

2006-09-18T12:26:00.001-07:00

This is an email Shannon worte this morning. It encouraged me, and brought some tears.

Dear Friends,

Lois arrived at the finish line last night (Sunday) at 11:47 PM, and is now rejoicing with the angels in the presence of the Lord. In true Lois fashion her last words to us were, "OK you guys, I'll see you later. Jesus is calling...tenderly calling." Trav's response was, "Go mom!"

All the kids and my twin brother Brian were gathered around when she made that announcement. Then she smiled really big, and started laughing softly just as if she could see the finish line with Jesus waiting there for her. A few hours later she was gone, and those were her last words to us.

The kids and I are genuinely excited for Lois, and clapped when we knew her time among us was finished. With big sighs of relief all around we talked about how in heaven there are no more tears, no more pain, no more sorrow, no more medications, IV's,. wheel chairs or canes.

And we could only imagine the reunion Lois was having at that moment with our first daughter Erin who's been there waiting for Mom for over 20 years now.

It's been the most joyous and sorrowful day we've known as the M-gang - but the joys of having Mom home far outweigh any sorrows we might feel. We'll be getting back to everyone with details about the memorial service later this week.

More later as the situation develops,

Shannon for the M-gang

Please continue to pray for this family.

on to glory

2006-09-17T01:38:00.001-07:00

I don't really have any idea who reads this, but I want to share with whomever is listening. I just got news today that a precious woman is on her way to glory. Her name is Lois Murray. She has been battling for years against cancer, trying to honor Him in it all. He has brought blessing after blessing, but has also allowed some very difficult and painful times. She has struggled, as any of us would, but she has clung to His grace like only a warrior could. His grace is what has brought her this far. I praise Him for the testimony I've watched in her.

On one hand, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that she is soon to be free from pain for the first time in a long time. I'm grateful that she will soon be gazing into the eyes of the One who has held her close to His heart throughout it all. I'm grateful that, as she and her family know well, "To live is Christ, and to die is gain," and that she is moving ever closer to "the God of all comfort." She is so close to the glory, the freedom, the peace, the joy, and the awe that she has dreamed of and lived her life for.

On the other hand, my heart breaks. By His grace, and through His story, she has been a testimony to many. She will be loved and missed by many. There will be a huge hole in the Murray home and in many hearts. Pray with me that God would wrap His arms around that family even more tightly than He has already done throughout the trials of the last several years. Pray that the lessons, love, service, and words of wisdom that she has poured into her family would radiate in each of them as they learn to better serve each other in the coming years. Pray that the seeds of her trust and reliance on her Father that have been planted in those who have been touched by her, particularly her children, would grow and blossom and glorify Him even after she is with Him. Pray for her in her last moments. Pray for her husband, Shannon, and her children, Cara, Travis, and Alisa, as they trust Him for so much.

my portion

2006-09-16T12:20:00.001-07:00

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~Psalm 73:26

How long have I been watching my flesh and my heart fail, and yet I lean on my own strength. It is not my intent, nor my desire. But it seems almost out of necessity, I cling to my own strength. But how absurd is that!? God knocked me on my face (or rather, quit holding me up while I thought I was doing the holding) to remind me that my strength is not enough. I rested for a few days, and jumped right back into it.

And physical weariness is nothing compared to the emotional burdens my heart has been carrying. For so many nights, I've finally laid down to rest, and I realize I'm breathing so fast and my heart is just pounding. So many emotions running through me, regret, pain, frustration, longing...and all because of choices I've made when I was foolish enough to live as though my own strength was enough.

God places incredible blessings in our lives, and I don't know about you, but I feel so responsible to give all that I've got to give, to pour myself out until I'm empty so that I do not disappoint God, so that I make the most of those things, so that I take the best care possible of the things He's placed in my hands. But in doing so, I'm running on empty and I struggle to find time for Him. I become very aware of how desperately I need His strength and guidance, and yet I don't know how to add that to my plate.

Is that His desire? Not at all. He wants us to seek Him, to rest in Him, to run to Him, to hide in Him, so that HE can be the strength of our heart and our portion forever. Oh that I would learn to trust that again.

Is it me, or has there been a pattern with these heart-felt posts?? Ya, this is something I struggle with constantly!

sold!

2006-09-07T17:29:00.000-07:00

At times, the Lord does choose to lay blessings in our laps. My parents signed papers today; their house is sold! There is much packing and preparing to do, but they're very excited. Somewhere around the end of the month, they should be happy residents of Arrowhead! Weird, but very cool. Please pray that amidst all the work, they will get some of the rest they've been neglecting for several weeks. We know what happens to Hermans when they don't get enough rest!! Thanks for praying and being exciting with them.

blessings out of the blue

2006-09-05T22:02:00.001-07:00

I know I struggle with believing that God enjoys surprising us with blessings from time to time. This week, both my mom and another friend said, "We pray for things, then when God answers, we're surprised! Why are we surprised that He does what He says He'll do?"

So what blessing did he shower today? Some of you know my parents have been in the process of trying to move. Yes, trying. They have found several "dream" houses, yet as soon as they get their hopes up and the paperwork begins to flow, something falls through. On the other end of the spectrum, they've had a few good offers made on their house. Again, they all fall through. A couple weeks ago, they found the house I think they've been dreaming of for years (they thought the other houses were it, but this one is what I picture everytime they talk about a new house). They signed papers with a contingency on selling their current house...which has been on the market for 3 months with no luck. So they decided to take extreme measures.

For a little over a week now, they've been doubling as professional painters during every waking moment outside of work and church. The house looks amazing...with the exception of all the tape on windows and corners and the lovely arrangement of each room's furniture smooshed together in the center of the appropriate room. So like all other nights, tonight, they came home from work and put on their painting clothes. As soon as they began, there was a knock on the door.

A couple renting a house across the street had been eying ours for some time, but had yet to make a move. When they saw the "For Sale" sign come down (during renovations), they feared it had been sold. Over and over they made clear how desperately they wanted to buy our house. After 3 months of making sure every little thing in the house was in order each time we left, this couple was blown away with undone paint and absolute disarray.

They really want the house, they have the financial means to do it, and It appears that all their ducks are in a row. Please pray for this couple, my parents, and their precious realtor over the next couple days. Perhaps God will bless my parents by plopping a blessing in their laps.

"I prayed for this class"

2006-09-04T21:59:00.001-07:00

So Friday, all the students had left except one. She and I began walking out of the classroom and she says, "Teacher, I prayed for this class. All the others were full and I wanted to study English so bad. I prayed that God would give me a class." I said, "That's cool! I prayed for this class, too, I just didn't know it!" She smiled and began going on her way. Then she turned back. "I prayed for my teacher, too." Wow... I said, "Please keep praying for your teacher, ok?" She smiled again and agreed.

One blessing after another, I tell you. I mean, really, that's just cool! I pray that I would learn to be amazed by all that He does. I also pray that I would be disciplined to pray for these students constantly. That's really the best thing I can give them.

Day two starts tomorrow...

humility

2006-09-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

"A truly humble man is sensible of his natural distance from God; of his dependence on Him; of the insufficiency of his own power and wisdom; and that it is by God's power that he is upheld and provided for, and that he needs God's wisdom to lead and guide him, and His might to enable him to do what he ought to do for Him."

~Jonathan Edwards

That about sums it up. We are nothing without His power, His wisdom, and His might. We are simply that lump of clay...useless to the world. We have nothing to offer in and of ourselves. But in Him, the possibilities never cease. Only in Him can we truly live for Him. Only when we submit ourselves completely to His hands can we become something beautiful...and He is faithful to mold us, to form us, and to grow us. Pretty amazing if you ask me.

did someone say "Miss Herman"?

2006-09-04T00:49:00.001-07:00

For those of you who haven't heard, God blind-sided me with an amazing blessing (I think!) last week. As many of you know, I have been waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes not so much, seeking His direction for me. Several practical and appealing opportunities have presented themselves, but although logical, I had a peace about none of them...and so I waited...and waited. Most of you know that waiting is not one of my strengths. I like to move, I like to go, I like to do.

A good friend reminded me of the story of Jacob wrestling with God. He refused to give up, he refused to move on. She pointed out that God knew it took obedience and restraint for me to wait, and so He blessed me with a "suddenly". There were several paths I could have taken (many have said I 'should' have taken them), but I refused to be in any place He did not take me to. So I waited...wanting so bad to do, but not knowing what to do.

So I'm at work Wednesday. While trying to answer students' questions in the lobby of Admissions, I'm approached by a gentleman whom I knew to be an ESL instructor at RCC. "Are you Jenelle?" "Ya. Why?" "Oh, good, I've been looking all over for you." "Why? What do you want?" (Note: I'm in high-speed mode. The lobby is quite crowded with antsy and confused students and I'm anxious to help them out and clear them out.) "You have your MA in TESOL from APU?" "Ya." "We've had a higher demand for ESL classes than we expected and we need another teacher. Would you be interested?" "Uh, ya." "That's great!" "So what do we need to do?" "That's a good question. Let me go find out!" "Uh, ok. Do you want my number?" "Ya, tha'd be great!"

Stunned. Shocked. Overwhelmed. Amazed. I'm not sure which most accurately describes the emotions I felt. However, shocked is not an emotion I experience often...yet it remained all day without ceasing.

Within minutes, I received a phone call asking me to come interview with a couple of the ESL teachers, with the assumption that things would go well, I would observe a class that night, and start teaching Reading the next week. Mind you I'm dressed in my typical attire, but on the more casual end of that! They said that wasn't a problem. So off to the interview I went.

I quickly realized that my handle on TESOL concepts and terminology were no longer at the tip of my tongue. Usually, performing in such circumstances is one of my gifts. That was not so this time. We did enjoy ourselves though.

Shortly after the interview, I received a call telling me it was a go...except I'd be teaching the Grammar and Writing class...and I would begin on Friday! Either they were absolutely desperate or they somehow overlooked all my shortcomings in the interview and somehow saw some potential in me. Nevertheless, it was mine! Not by any means because I'd earned it, but purely because God had given it to me.

The shock increased when I realized I'd be teaching in less than 48-hours and had no idea what I'd be teaching, nor did I even know which textbooks we'd be using! There's nothing like a little pressure and uncertainty when you start something new! I went home completely thrilled...and terrified as I realized I had no idea what I needed to do to prepare and I would be in a classroom in front of students very soon.

A phone call that night from one of the teachers, an encounter with him the next morning, and a meeting that afternoon set my fears at ease and the excitement began to win out. Thursday night as I prepared and Friday as I entered my classroom I was still at ease. I expected to be nervous, but it felt right...righter (pardon the gramar) that I ever thought possible. Perhaps God is beginning to answer His promise to me that He would develop in me a love for teaching. Time will tell.

My students were precious. Respectful and quiet, yet responsive and willing to participate. They range in age from probably 18 or 20 to a cute 62-year old woman. They seem hungry to learn, and even appeared hopeful that they could one day love writing as I have grown to.

I still feel overwhelmed and am certainly a little lost as to how to do the best job for these students. But I am definitely excited and anxious to watch them grow. I think I could see a lot of positive results in my own strengths, but I can only make a true difference if I rely on His. I pray He will continue to teach me how. I pray for people around me who will model that for me, and at the same time, challenge and encourage me to do the same. I pray that His gift to me will be for His glory.

P.S. I told them they have to call me "Jenelle". I was never one for formalities! I can handle "Miss Jenelle", but "Miss Herman"? ...just couldn't do it!

overlooked

2006-08-27T00:06:00.001-07:00

I did a lot today. I encountered a couple frustrations, quite a few amusements, and several hidden blessings. We'll focus on the blessings, which were all unplanned interactions with precious people.

It's been a long time since I've crossed the border into San Bernardino County. Most of my life used to center on those places, but now, it feels like untrodden territory. Nonetheless, having to be in Fontana in the morning for an appointment, then for a birthday party in the afternoon, left some time to be filled in the middle.

Banning always seems so far away from Riverside, so I typically only visit my grandparents there on special occasions. Sad, since most of my life, they lived in No Cal, and now, they're only 45 minutes away. But still, life gets in the way and I don't venture out there. So today, I paid them a visit. Nothing special really, but it was nice just to spend time with family. It's occurred to me recently that I need to spend more quality time with my family. They're a gift that I too often overlook. There is richness in those relationships that I've not made the time to let develop.

Then back through the desert hills to Fontana. The birthday party was fun, although Riss and I didn't know anybody there except the birthday girl's daddy (ya, not even the birthday girl)!! We met some cool strangers and got to talk about a lot of fun things. And we were the only white people to be found...I love that! On the drive home, we had the blessing (yes, the blessing) of hitting some pretty crazy traffic...at 8pm on a Saturday...what the heck!? So we're yacking it up as we coast at a rapid 2-3mph for a good hour or so. Then Riss points out that she and I never hang out together and it's cool just getting to talk.

OK, so Riss is one of my two roommates and I've known her for 8 or 9 years; we live next door to each other, eat meals together, work in the same place (and usually the same hours!), her sister is one of the closest people to me, I call her parents "Ma" and "Pops"...yet we've never really developed our own friendship. This week, we've gotten to spend one-on-ones a couple of times and it's been a real blessing...and usually pretty humorous. I've cared about the girl for a long time, and in many ways, considered her family, but I'm sad I've overlooked that friendship for so long.

So it hit me tonight - there are a lot of cool people in my life; some are strangers, some are family, and some are around me everyday. How many of them do I take for granted or overlook? Something to ponder...

P.S. It was a beautiful day today...great day to be outside in this awesome park.
P.P.S. Some of you might be excited to know that I was able to eat at the bbq, in public, like a normal person...my lip is coming back!! (More pictures coming soon...these ones will not be as graphic as the previous ones :))

emptied

2006-08-25T23:54:00.001-07:00

So over the last year or so, I've been doing a lot of cool things for God. He's surrounded me with a lot of precious people, and I've been stretched in so many ways as I tried to learn to love them more deeply. I've poured myself out until there was nothing left. I've given all that I had, and still, I failed in so many ways. It wasn't enough; I didn't have enough to give. And this is the problem.

My intentions were good and my motives pure. My longing was to be a light, to bring them closer to Him, to show them unconditional love and compassion. I was thrilled with the chance to teach, to equip, to be a big sister to many, and simply a friend to others. All great things, yes. But the more I did them, the heavier the burden became.

While I was doing so many things for Him, I wasn't doing them with Him; I wasn't living by His strength, His wisdom, or His love, but rather, by my own, which is incredibly insufficient for all the passions inside of me. A few years ago, He was my source of all those things. At that time, the life I knew fell apart before my eyes and the ground was taken from beneath me. I knew without doubt that I had nothing left. There was nothing left in me to fix myself, to repair things, to bring any kind of happiness, to achieve things that mattered, or even to start over. I had to hand everything over to Him because, for the first time, I realized that He was all I really had; He was my only hope for feeling alive, for feeling that my life had any purpose, for becomming anything. Everything I had was insufficient. When I gave all I had, when I gave my best, it sucked. I could produce nothing worthwhile on my own, even with my best intentions and all my gifts in full swing, still, the fruit was worthless. The best I could give just created a mess. I finally discovered my desperation for Him to make me more than what I was, for I was nothing. For the first time in my life, I sought not simply to know about Him, but finally, I longed to know Him deeply, to be immersed in Him, to give Him absolutely all of me and let Him do whatever He wanted, to let go of myself completely (or as much as my selfish, stubborn nature would allow).

It was an incredible thing. All that nonsense about your joy being full, about Him pouring out of you...it was real! Not as a result of trying to become something or do something for Him, but simply as a result of chasing after Him and longing to be in His presence, I became so full. I was bubbling over and pouring into the people around me. For the first time, I had the ability to love unselfishly because He was filling me up and giving me more love than I could ever need. I had wisdom that certainly didn't come from me. And the smile...even in the middle of craziness, I had a hard time containing the joy. At moments when circumstances or individuals tore into me, still I saw Him teaching me; I felt Him wrapping His arms around me; I watched as He stretched and molded me. Even in those times, I was thankful. I could see Him moving, and it made me excited. This was what He had created me for: to know Him, to be used by Him. I was full, I was alive, my life mattered and I was able to love people in a way that changed them.

But somewhere along the way, I started carrying things in my own hands again. Life got busy, people around me had needs that blew my mind. As the burden grew, I found less time to seek His face. I wasn't seeking the Source of all that I needed; I wasn't being filled by Him, and thus, I became more and more empty, having less and less of myself to give. (In reality, there wasn't much of myself to give in the first place; what spilled out of me was all that He filled me with.)

I watched myself being emptied and felt helpless to stop it. I was terrified to let go of all I was holding. What if He didn't pick up the slack? What if He let these people that needed so much fall? What if they were broken? What if He didn't pick up the pieces? What if they lost hope? And so the weight grew heavier and the burden greater...along with the distance between me and my Source of all that I so desperately needed. My desire to give it all to Him again also grew, but how? I couldn't figure it out.

I think I knew this all along, but what it really came down to is that I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust how He would take care of people, how He would love and nurture them. I didn't trust His purposes or how He would go about them. As a result, I was trying to be in control of so many things that I had absolutely no control of. And all the while, I was losing sight of His perfect will. My vision of Him became so clouded. But the desire to give it back was still there.

A couple weeks ago, my longing to see Him again was compounded as I realized how much I wanted to trust Him again. Once again, I looked at what I had created, what I had accomplished when I gave everything I had in me. I held it up to what He had accomplished when He had everything in me. What I had was nothing. What I had was destroying me and hurting those around me...even as I gave all that I had and wanted so desperately to make a difference for Him. I needed to place at His feet what little I had left and allow Him to pick it up, to mold it, to rearrange it, to do as He would with it. I couldn't carry it any longer - this I had known for awhile. But I was to the point where I realized I didn't want to carry it any longer. I didn't want what I could produce; I only wanted what He could produce in and through me. Finally, a chance to see His face clearly again.

The last few weeks have been interesting as I learn to seek Him again. It's been awesome to walk with Him, to talk with Him, although sometimes a little awkward, like a friend you haven't seen for awhile. But He has shown me some amazing things. After trying for so long to see all the mess inside of me, in a day, He began to make the picture clearer. I began to understand things that had baffled me for some time. And as He built up my courage to let go, He encouraged me as He began to use me. Me! All the mess that I am...He wants to use me! That still baffles me. But that is the God that I serve, the God that I want to know and love deeply again.

And so the journey continues... I don't want to ask where is God in it all; I want God to be all. It's amazing when He is. I want to be emptied, not because I'm trying to bear the weight of the world on my shoulders and have nothing left, but because I'm laying it all in His hands everyday. I want to be emptied of myself, I want to be out of the way, so that He can fill me up, so that I may truly be full. I pray that we would all learn to trust Him and lay it all in His hands so we would know His fullness and never truly be empty.

Beauty & Grace

2006-08-21T22:18:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: Graphic photos at the bottom of this post. Proceed with caution.*

Ok, so many of you have heard about my recent adventures, but for those of you who haven't (and for those of you who just want pictures!), here are the details.

Sunday, I believe a couple people told me I needed to take some time to rest. Monday evening, my friend Paula and I were sitting at my desk (a.k.a. lying on the floor since I have no furniture) looking through pictures on my laptop. Mina knocked at the door, so I jumped up to answer it. Approaching the end of the hall, my usual blackout occurred. I rested my hand on the wall and waited for my vision to return...usually a few second process.

This is when things get fuzzy... Since nobody actually witnessed the catastrophe, let me share with you my theory (Disclaimer: Although not scientific, this theory is based on my extensive experience with CSI and on each bruise that presented itself throughout last week)...

I took another step, thinking I was ok. Then realizing I wasn't quite stable, I leaned on one of the chairs around our dining room table. I vaguely remember this, but then all consciousness momentarily ceased and my body began to fall rapidly.

First, my chin bounced off the top of the chair (this was probably the most painful collision...it's just now bruising!). Apparently, my bottom lip was between my teeth at this point. FYI, teeth and skin don't live in harmony together under such pressure (hence the inch-wide, teeth-shaped hole in the front of my lip). As a result of the bounce, my head flopped to the side, off the cute little knobby on the top of the chair back (there's a very tender knobby-shaped spot on the right side of my head).

With nothing left to bounce off at that elevation, my body continued its decent to the floor... First off my right knee (nice big bruise there), then flat onto my face. Now, this was an interesting predicament. Apparently, my top teeth went directly into the floor (judging by the tooth-sized chip we found there later), along with my nose and my right eyebrow (pretty bruises in those places too). Fortunately, my bottom lip acted as a cushion between my bottom teeth and the floor. However, it's not a very good cushion and, again, the harmony here was not so great (as evidenced by the blood gushing out of my lip...and the hole from which it flowed).

To top it all off, or as we might say, "the cherry on top," the chair, which assaulted me previously, was obviously a little shaken up by the whole experience and, as a result, lost it's footing and fell on my head (explaining the tender spot on the back of my head).

So this explains the injuries. However, the commotion wasn't over. Paula, wondering why I hadn't yet answered the door, emerged from the room to find me on the kitchen floor, under the chair, with blood everywhere. She immediately rescued me from the chair and I quickly regained consciousness. Slightly panicked and unsure of what to do, she decided it would be to my benefit to let Mina in so that she could rescue me. It is not common for most people to be calm in such situations, so Mina was equally frantic. Eventually, I was able to guide them to some paper towels and we slowed down the bleeding. I managed to get to the bathroom to clean up some of the blood, then quickly decided it would be wise to sit down...no, lie down and rest. Precious Mina held a fan over me while Paula called Six to come rescue me. Unfortunately, all Six gained from that conversation was, "Jenelle" and "fall". So I took over, and told Six it might be wise for her to come home.

After I rested for awhile and my body cooled off and calmed down, I got up to assess the damage. As I attempted to wipe the rest of the blood off of my face, I realized that, in fact, I had a hole, not just blood, and that wouldn't as easily wipe off. Hmm...perhaps this was a problem and would not just take care of itself. So I called Mom and Dad...they know everything, right? "Dad, I just passed out and I think I bit all the way through my lip. Do you think I need to go to the ER?" "All the way through? Ya, you probably ought to go in. Do you have a ride? Ok, we'll meet you there."

Lots of blood tests, an EKG, three nurses, a doctor, and 14 stitches later, we all got to go home for some much needed sleep. Now, judging by the fact that my lip was still it's normal size before the ER and was about 4 times that when we left, my dad and I think the doctor mistakingly injected Collagen instead of that spiffy numbing stuff when he did my stitches. It's almost back to its normal size now. Anyways, here are some pictures.

*STOP SCROLLING NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THE PICTURES!

**No, really...stop!!

***This is your last warning!!!

1-3 were taken after we got home from the ER. 4 and 5 were taken a few days later.
1) Tracy's favorite pic; 2) the full blow; 3) pitiful me and my poor pants (they got caught in the crossfire); 4) 6 stitches inside; 5) 8 stitches outside

Ok, I'll share more on the progress over the last week for those of you who aren't here to see how much better I look now.

And I'm back in the game!

2006-08-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, now that it's been nearly a year since I started this thing, I think I'm actually going to try using it regularly! I was tempted to wait until September 6, just so it would be a full year, but hey, why keep the world waiting any longer!? Plus, there are a few crazy stories and pictures I know the world wants to see, so wait no more!

bathroom business

2006-05-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the shower was turning into somewhat of a bath because the water decided to stop draining. So rather than letting the Sixes call maintenance and being incredibly embarassed when they discovered the cause of the clogged drain, I decided to take it on instead. So after my shower this morning, I pulled out the necessary tools and started my work. To my astonishment, this is what I found!

Disgusting, huh!?!? So, two good things have come from this... 1) I informed Six that I have done my share of cleaning for the month, so I am done until next month. 2) The shower drains now like it's supposed to, and your feet don't get so wrinkly while you shower because you're no longer wading in 3-inch deep water the whole time! So, although somewhat disgusted, I also find myself slightly proud of my acheivement...in hopes, of course, that I don't find myself needing to acheive the same thing anytime in the near future!

Oh, the joys of everyday life...

Pool Tables and Parking Lot Convos

2005-09-16T01:53:00.000-07:00

The last 24 hours (or perhaps a little more) have been filled with so many incredible conversations. I feel blessed and overwhelmed. I am amazed as I consider all the Lord is doing in my life these days. I am certainly unworthy.

I have had three conversations in the last 24 hours, all completely unintentional, and none with this purpose... but each has come to this point: God chooses the weakest vessels to carry His message. We are broken, sinful, and unworthy, but in choosing to use us for His glory, He is MOST glorified. That is because there is no way that we, ourselves, the broken vessels that we are, could accomplish the works He has placed in our hands. Thus our eyes can no longer look upon ourselves in awe, but must turn to Him.

He seeks nothing more than His own glory, yet in doing so, we are blessed. Although we are broken and weak, our lives are used by the Creator, and we feel fulfilled and satisfied as, in our weakness, we live for the very thing we were created for...turning others' eyes to Him.

How in the world does this stuff work???

2005-09-06T01:30:00.000-07:00

It's amazing... As much as I live on my computer, all this new technology is beyond me. As I attempt to use all the fun resources on the web, I am lost in all the possibilities. So here I am trying out this blog thing. I suppose in time we will see if it works for me. I hope this will open up the doors of communication even more as I attempt to share my life with all of you in such a busy day and age. Thanks for caring enough to hang in there with me!! Love you all!